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  #11  
Old 10-09-2012, 11:52 PM
SkylerSquirrel SkylerSquirrel is offline
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Okay, so here's my to do list:

- Highlighter Speak Out Loud list. Send to lawyer.

- Remind lawyer of main concerns.

I am almost positive I have told my lawyer about Five being abused as a kid, but it won't hurt to remind her again.

Quote:
You already handle it. You ARE handling it. You are not also required to LOVE it. Chin up. Your life is YOURS.
I'm handling his lawyer disagreeing with me about custody arrangements. I am NOT currently handling him painting me as Evil Child Stealer. No one is slandering my character yet. I don't want to have to handle that. But I do not have to worry about that yet.
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  #12  
Old 10-10-2012, 12:38 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I'm handling his lawyer disagreeing with me about custody arrangements. I am NOT currently handling him painting me as Evil Child Stealer. No one is slandering my character yet. I don't want to have to handle that. But I do not have to worry about that yet.
Ignore. He works for his boss -- your soon to be ex.

Keep your nose clean, get through the process.

Get your own lawyer caught up with all puzzle pieces. That's YOUR focus.

GG
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  #13  
Old 10-10-2012, 05:05 AM
SkylerSquirrel SkylerSquirrel is offline
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Here is what I concluded from the SpeakOutLoud list:

He does almost all of the behaviors under these categories:
- One-sided power games
- Mind games
- Emotional unkindness and violation of trust
- Denial, minimizing, blaming
- Domestic slavery

He does about half of the behaviors under these categories:
- Degradation (involving excessive criticism)
- Economic abuse under "she is put in charge of the money" (involving him overspending)
- Separation abuse (involving fear/blackmail)

Plus one or two things in most of the other categories. He has done nothing in the "overprotection and caring" or "physical abuse" lists.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-12-2012 at 08:31 PM.
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  #14  
Old 10-10-2012, 05:19 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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I'm so, so sorry you're having to go through this. I just wanted clarification on something for myself, if you don't mind:

Quote:
Originally Posted by SkylerSquirrel View Post
He lives with his parents so I have been less concerned than I otherwise would be, because I figured his parents would put a stop to any abusive behavior.
and

Quote:
Originally Posted by SkylerSquirrel View Post
The other reason I am concerned about him being around my kid is that his father was physically and emotionally abusive to him as a child (something no one in his family will admit but the things they have described are abusive). Abuse tends to perpetuate itself through generations.
Ummm...whuck? Am I misreading this? Or is the father who was physically and emotionally abusive to his own son now one of the people helping watch your child? Hopefully there is a piece I'm missing, but if his dad didn't recognize the abusive behaviors as something to stop back then, and his mom didn't do anything to stop abusive behavior back then, why on earth do you think they'd do anything now?

I'm not trying to take away from the rest of what's going on, but this jumped out as a potential red flag that hadn't yet been addressed.
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  #15  
Old 10-10-2012, 05:54 AM
SkylerSquirrel SkylerSquirrel is offline
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Quote:
Ummm...whuck? Am I misreading this? Or is the father who was physically and emotionally abusive to his own son now one of the people helping watch your child? Hopefully there is a piece I'm missing, but if his dad didn't recognize the abusive behaviors as something to stop back then, and his mom didn't do anything to stop abusive behavior back then, why on earth do you think they'd do anything now?
Sorry, should have clarified. Abusive father is no longer in the picture. "His parents" are Five's mother and stepfather.
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I do not wish to attach to any particular person. My love knows no limits.

Last edited by SkylerSquirrel; 10-10-2012 at 06:13 AM. Reason: add more details
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  #16  
Old 10-10-2012, 04:49 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SkylerSquirrel View Post
Perhaps you missed the part where I DID say I WANTED HIM TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS KID.
No I didn't miss that statement. However the following statements are contradictory to each other:

Quote:
Originally Posted by SkylerSquirrel View Post
- I want him to have as little influence as possible on our kid. I donít want our kid learning these behaviors from him.
- I do want him to have a relationship with our kid. I think that would be good for him.
I would think "I do want him to have a relationship with our kid, but I don't want him to learn x,y,z behavior from him" avoids the implications and conclusions people will draw from your first statement. First impressions are a BIG deal, so when you start with heavy negative statements, it overshadows everything else.

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But I'm sure his lawyer is going to paint it like I'm evil and I'm trying to steal him, and honestly I don't know if I can handle that.
That's his job, do not take anything the lawyer says personally.

Quote:
The other reason I am concerned about him being around my kid is that his father was physically and emotionally abusive to him as a child (something no one in his family will admit but the things they have described are abusive). Abuse tends to perpetuate itself through generations.
This didn't bother you before you had a kid? OK, likely it didn't even occur to you until you had a kid to protect, but projecting "possible" negative outcomes as reasons to limit his involvement in your kids life is what will get you painted as an "evil child stealer". It is also keeping you in a state of fear, which is unhealthy for you and will not be in the best interest of your child. Instead ask for mandated counceling and parenting classes for both of you, a toddler is capable of driving any parent to the brink of madness. However, there are no guarantees, people who were NEVER abused as kids have been know to resort to abuse and vice versa.

You obviously see some good qualities in you kids father or you wouldn't have stated that you still love him. Having your kid see you be strong against obvious attempt at manipulation is also invaluable. Do a search on "non-violent communication" there is some extremely helpful ways to change how you communicate, that can more effectively get your point across without them seeing and attack and immediately putting up defenses.

Yes, my brother's situation is different. His ex is doing everything in her power to "limit his influence", including lying and trying to manipulate the court.
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  #17  
Old 10-10-2012, 08:19 PM
SkylerSquirrel SkylerSquirrel is offline
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Quote:
This didn't bother you before you had a kid?
Before I had a kid I was very poor at recognizing what was abuse and what was not. His family acted like it was normal. While I was pregnant I started doing a lot of research on how to be a good parent, and I learned a lot more about what abusive behavior looks like.

Also, having a kid multiplied my self-confidence by like a million. I was full of self-doubt before. I still struggle with self-doubt sometimes, as you can probably tell, but at least I know it's an issue.

Quote:
Instead ask for mandated counceling and parenting classes for both of you
I was actually thinking about this last night. Asking for counseling seems like a good way to reconcile the two contradictory statements you and GG noticed.

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You obviously see some good qualities in you kids father or you wouldn't have stated that you still love him.
Yes. There are good qualities in everyone. Even people who are physically abusive can have good qualities. But they still hurt people.

I guess to be more clear - I would like BabySquirrel to be influenced by Five's good qualities, but I'm worried about him being psychologically harmed by his not-so-good qualities.

Quote:
It is also keeping you in a state of fear, which is unhealthy for you and will not be in the best interest of your child.
This I am well aware of. I just have a hard time figuring out what to do other than a) being under the influence of fear or b) just trusting that everything will work out on its own without me doing ANYTHING at all.

That's why I asked for advice ... I need people to look at this objectively, because I have a hard time doing so.
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