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  #1  
Old 06-10-2010, 01:56 AM
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girlcaleb girlcaleb is offline
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Quick question: How should I go about "coming out' to a man I am into? I recently scared away a man that I really liked. I think I came on too strong... and not sexually. I just told him too much, maybe too soon. We have known each other for about a year... but mainly online only. I had a chance to get him alone and I just told him how I felt. He is a bit younger and he had never even heard about anything poly before... so I think I was too sure of myself... I haven't heard from him. Before we parted he seems okay with everything... so maybe I'm just thinking about it too much because I always over think things. Any thoughts?

p.s. Sometimes it seems easier for poly men to find new female partners. Most guys don't relax when they hear "I like you, and my boyfriend won't kill you if you make out with me". Girls seem to be more open... IMO.

btw... I got this topic from Ticipa... even though she was asking about coming out to her husband... it made me think about stuff.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 06-10-2010 at 03:50 PM. Reason: merge posts
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Old 06-10-2010, 02:44 AM
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Best off to let any potential partner know what you want out of relationships right away..especially when it is dealing with open relationships and poly. To let someone invest in you and become vulnerable first without them knowing is selfish and hurtful...maybe even manipulative.

Being up front is the best way to find something with less drama and more health..more FUN!
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Old 06-10-2010, 02:54 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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I think that monogamy is not assumed until you have gone out on a few dates. So i don't think you have to talk about poly until you have had a few dates. It is like how you don't have to talk about marriage, sexual desires or medical conditions until you get to know the person more.

However, if the topic comes up, I think you should talk about it. Also, if they may meet the people you are involved with, I think you should say something.

On the other hand, if you talk about it first, you may weed out someone who is truely not interested before you start to get involved. You just have to watch out for the reaction that if you are poly then you must be a slut.

As for how to come out, I think you should keep it simple and let them ask questions. Otherwise, you may sound like you are pushing the concept or you may push them into acting like they like it when they do not feel comfortable.
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Old 06-10-2010, 05:36 AM
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Here's an option: try to slip it into the conversation hypothetically. So instead of declaring that you're poly and that's the kind of relationship you expect, you could mention it as something you've heard about and sounds interesting. That lets you probe them, find out how they would feel about it, without letting the cat out of the bag.

Quote:
Originally Posted by girlcaleb View Post
p.s. Sometimes it seems easier for poly men to find new female partners. Most guys don't relax when they hear "I like you, and my boyfriend won't kill you if you make out with me". Girls seem to be more open... IMO.
I haven't met any poly guys who agree with you :P there are a number of threads going around right now, referring to how difficult it is for poly men to meet other women, while their primaries/wives are out there finding all the guys they want.

I think anyone would get a little worried when told that they won't ge beat up for something. Whenever someone tells me "don't worry, trust me" it makes the hairs stand up on my neck and instantly stop trusting them
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Old 06-10-2010, 12:02 PM
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Thanks guys.. i have still not heard from him. I think you were right.. I came on too strong... Like I was pushing my polyness onto him. I really just wanted him to know that i liked him. That's all... he is just a really good friend and now I'm afraid that I have messed it up somehow. In the future... I will not just blurt it out. Quath... I think he was trying to act more comfortable then he really was... that would explain the fact that he has not contacted me or my guy since it happened. He also had a few drinks in him so I think he woke up and was like "wtf did I let myself do... I kissed one of my best friends girl"... so yeah. I want to call him to let him know that it is okay. but I have a feeling he wont answer... i don't want to push him away even more. I am also afraid of rejection... this is the first time in years that a man I went after has not shown any interest... it hurts. My primary has been great about it. He pokes fun at me sometimes and he will talk abut it with me when I'm really down which cheers me up. Maybe I'll give it another week or two and then call the friend... I'll just apologize for making him kiss me... it sounds silly but I feel like I did something wrong..even though he kissed me back... more than once... and he seemed like he wanted more. Maybe he is just a scared little nerd. Men!!!! They drive me crazy:0
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Old 06-10-2010, 12:32 PM
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btw... thought this was funny. I was randomly reading my horoscope for the day... my daily flirt on yahoo said this:

It turns out that not all of your people are on board with your latest scheme. It's important to wait until you can cajole them into behaving.

funny... I'm sure the friend I kissed is not on board..lol... he would have called by now...
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Old 06-10-2010, 02:45 PM
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I have heard of this concept before - "I won't tell them about poly right away because that will just scare them away." The implication being that somehow this person will see what a great person you really are, and, when you mention poly, won't be comfortable with it, but will be willing to work with you because you are such a great person they don't want to lose you.... (that was truly the reasoning I was given by someone who put "single" on his OKCupid profile, without any mention of polyamory in his descriptions...

My take on it is that if this person is going to run away when you mention poly, then you never really had them truly interested in you in the first place - instead they were interested in the person they thought you might be. So in other words, you didn't "lose them" because you never really 'had them" in the first place.

If poly really is as natural as breathing to us, then it should come up naturally in the conversation, as far as i am concerned. I have two people who I share my life with, to whom I am committed, and love very much. if I were meeting someone that I thought was a prospective date, then I would have a hard time not mentioning them. So hard, that it would feel to me like I was lying.

I know that in the early days of dating we tend to be on our best behaviours - we want the prospective dates to see our best side. By not showing your poly side you are acting as though it is something to be ashamed of and hidden until the person has got to know you a bit better. Why is that?
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Old 06-10-2010, 09:13 PM
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I totally agree w/ you CielDuMatin...I feel like I want to get it out there... now of course in certain settings (work, some school things, etc) I keep to my self... but if I like someone I am not afraid to tell them. Thanks to you guys on this site and some really good friends and my awesome primary... I'm working through my feelings now and having a fun time doing it. The friend that I kissed still has not responded.. he did post a note on his website about taking a break from his phone, interwebs, and other things until work is done... this to me means that he is okay... I was just worried... maybe one day we'll talk... if he ever wants to but I'm happy now... and keeping busy is getting me through it.

My good friend C.H. told me what I needed to hear today... she just said "drop it... you made him question everything he has been taught to believe about life and love... that scares the s*it out of people"....

I had never thought about it from that point of view. I am so happy now... Just to give myself permission to stop feeling guilty and worrying about it. I kissed a boy... the world will not end. I KISSED A BOY...THE WORLD WILL NOT END.

I need to put that on a T-shirt.
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Old 06-11-2010, 07:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by girlcaleb View Post
Thanks guys.. i have still not heard from him. I think you were right.. I came on too strong... Like I was pushing my polyness onto him. I really just wanted him to know that i liked him. That's all... he is just a really good friend and now I'm afraid that I have messed it up somehow. In the future... I will not just blurt it out.
Another possibility is that you came on too strong in general, not just with the poly. A lot of people, guys especially, can get a little scared about getting caught up in something too quickly. It could be that bringing up poly made it obvious that you were trying to get in a relationship with him, and maybe he was only ready to date you and see if it led to something more.
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  #10  
Old 06-11-2010, 10:14 AM
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That's the thing SchrodingersCat... I don't want a relationship. He's a friend. I just wanted to kiss him honestly. But I'm sure he didn't know. He probably thouhgt that I wanted to add him to my "collection" of men. Ha!

Yeah.. he's been scared away. I should have just not said anything... he already knew I was poly... We are friends on line and he can see from a few of my oline blogs and sites that I'm more open than most. As soon as I told him I liked him, he said..."you see, I don't understand what you and J have... this open relationship..how the hell does that work?" So, I think you're right. He probably thouhgt I was asking him to "join us...join us... walk into the light"...lol

day by day it gets easier to deal with what I feel is rejection. My primary and a few friends keep telling me it's not rejection... that the guy is just scared and confused. They may be right... but honestly, it still hurts a bit... I'm being a teen girl about it. Blogging (privately) and listening to music he likes and singing along loudly. I looked up the limerence thing...I feel as if this is what is happening to me. I'm obsessed... not with him. But since I have not heard from him... a guy I just wanted to kiss and had no true love feelings for ... has turned into something else. I don't want these feelings and I will be very happy when they calm down. Don' t get me wrong. I'll always like him... if he ever wanted more from me I'd be there quick fast and in a hurry... but That's not saying much. I feel that way about lots of guys... it's just the feeling of being ignored that is driving me crazy...

Last edited by girlcaleb; 06-11-2010 at 11:26 AM.
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