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Old 11-20-2012, 10:30 PM
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NyxKnocks NyxKnocks is offline
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Default Quietly reading for a year now...

Hello! I'm new to posting on here but I'm familiar with the forums, as I've been half-stalking them for a year now. Haha.

A little about my situation: I kind of stumbled into a poly relationship with my boyfriend, we'll call him Guru, who has another girlfriend, we'll call her Farrah. Guru and Farrah were together for a year before I came along. It didn't start under ideal circumstances, but the three of us have all grown into it and we're trying to make it work the best we can with what we know.
I struggled with a lot of jealousy issues, and not feeling "good enough", but I have come a long way from there.

Basically, up until recently, he has been a pivot in a vee. Having a separate relationship with each of us. This went mostly well, but he was frustrated that we couldn't all be together. We've had a few casual meetings, the three of us, a few times, then took a two night weekend trip together (same bed, him in the middle). We attend his parties together and we all get along pretty well.

My main issue is that I do not identify as being bisexual, and I feel that is what is expected of me. I'm ok with kissing and a little touching, but beyond that I get extremely uncomfortable. If I try and communicate this to him he kinda just brushes it off and saying I'll "get there" eventually.

I'm not sure what to do about this, and I'm feeling very nervous about it because she'll be around this week, and also because we have a couple long trips coming up (all of us together). Any advice on how to tackle this? I like her very much and I think we could be very close friends, but the pressure from him is making me want to naturally push back.

-Nyx

P.s. thank you to the members here. I've learned so much just by reading all of your posts on here!
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Old 11-21-2012, 10:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NyxKnocks View Post
My main issue is that I do not identify as being bisexual, and I feel that is what is expected of me. I'm ok with kissing and a little touching, but beyond that I get extremely uncomfortable. If I try and communicate this to him he kinda just brushes it off and saying I'll "get there" eventually.
You'll get there? My gawd. He is being completely disrespectful. You don't have to be bisexual to be poly. Next time he brushes you off, stand your ground and tell him it isn't acceptable not to listen to your concern or to think he can change you to be bisexual simply for his own gratification. That's ridiculous.

Don't put up with shit like that.
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Old 11-21-2012, 10:55 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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So either he's not listening or he's of the opinion all women are naturally bisexual or Better still he thinks with encouragement and training you'll become bisexual. What about him is he bisexual? If you started dating another guy would he naturally want join in?
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Old 11-21-2012, 11:25 PM
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Hi Nyx,
Glad you're here.

I basically agree with the others that it's not Guru's place to tell you what your sexual orientation is (nor what it "will be"). You shouldn't be pushed into any situation you're not comfortable with.

I would tell Guru that sure, it's possible that any one person may eventually discover a bisexual side within themselves, but that doesn't mean you're one of those people, and he shouldn't assume you are. Tell him his expectation of you is making you feel uncomfortable, and that you need to know whether he can handle a permanent V situation.

Some of this may take awhile to play out, and you may have to see what you can live with, what he can live with, and of course, what Farrah can live with. Does Farrah know about this bisexuality expectation? How does she feel about it?

I hope things smooth out a little more.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 11-22-2012, 02:48 AM
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Thanks for all your responses. Upon further reflection, I think I may just not be communicating this clearly enough. Farrah doesn't know about my reluctance because I'm not super-comfortable vocalizing things with her directly. I'm going out with them both tonight, so hopefully a couple drinks will give me some bravery and we can all figure this stuff out. Lol.
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Old 11-22-2012, 03:02 AM
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Originally Posted by NyxKnocks View Post
Thanks for all your responses. Upon further reflection, I think I may just not be communicating this clearly enough. Farrah doesn't know about my reluctance because I'm not super-comfortable vocalizing things with her directly. I'm going out with them both tonight, so hopefully a couple drinks will give me some bravery and we can all figure this stuff out. Lol.
What do you have to figure out? Maybe you feel like you painted a negative picture because you were looking for a different kind of response? Did you expect us not to think that what your boyfriend does is disrespectful?

YOU said you are not comfortable with Guru pushing you to have a sexual relationship with Farrah. You said you have told him you are not bisexual and do not want to be pushed into that, and he dismisses your expressions of concern with a "you'll get there" which sounds like that is the only goal he cares about, and maybe she also, for this relationship. What about checking his own behavior and seeing where perhaps he has been too pushy and then pulling back, apologizing, and regrouping so that you don't feel preyed upon? WTF? Why isn't he owning up to that?

You came here to find out how to handle the pressure you feel is coming from him for you to get into a physical relationship with Farrah. Unless there are things you left out, I think we get it.

You need to establish your boundaries and draw the line where you are comfortable, and don't do or tolerate stuff you are not comfortable with. Laughing it off and fortifying yourself with booze may not be the best thing for you right now. Perhaps talk to them about it while you're still clear-headed and before the drinks get to you.
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Last edited by nycindie; 11-22-2012 at 03:05 AM.
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Old 11-22-2012, 05:50 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
What do you have to figure out? Maybe you feel like you painted a negative picture because you were looking for a different kind of response? Did you expect us not to think that what your boyfriend does is disrespectful?

YOU said you are not comfortable with Guru pushing you to have a sexual relationship with Farrah. You said you have told him you are not bisexual and do not want to be pushed into that, and he dismisses your expressions of concern with a "you'll get there" which sounds like that is the only goal he cares about, and maybe she also, for this relationship. What about checking his own behavior and seeing where perhaps he has been too pushy and then pulling back, apologizing, and regrouping so that you don't feel preyed upon? WTF? Why isn't he owning up to that?

You came here to find out how to handle the pressure you feel is coming from him for you to get into a physical relationship with Farrah. Unless there are things you left out, I think we get it.

You need to establish your boundaries and draw the line where you are comfortable, and don't do or tolerate stuff you are not comfortable with. Laughing it off and fortifying yourself with booze may not be the best thing for you right now. Perhaps talk to them about it while you're still clear-headed and before the drinks get to you.
What I meant was maybe I'm not communicating this to HIM as clearly as I thought. We talked about it last night and agreed that I shouldn't be pushed into anything. He, as I had suspected, misinterpreted the conversation completely.
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Old 11-22-2012, 05:57 PM
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Glad to hear you guys talked! Clear communication is absolutely required for healthy poly. Assumptions, confusions, mistaken expectations, etc. are killer.
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Old 11-22-2012, 06:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NyxKnocks View Post
What I meant was maybe I'm not communicating this to HIM as clearly as I thought. We talked about it last night and agreed that I shouldn't be pushed into anything. He, as I had suspected, misinterpreted the conversation completely.
Oh good! Glad you were able to all get clear on your stance. Gee, I wonder how he could have misinterpreted you stating you are not bisexual. I gather that you talked about it with Farrah present. Had she also misinterpreted your intentions and been expecting a same-sex relationship with you all this time? Is she aware and accepting of the fact that a sexual relationship with her is not something you desire? I hope everything goes well and smoothly between you all from now on.
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Old 11-22-2012, 08:41 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Oh Barf. I'm glad he's understood it now... but even still...

Even if you were bisexual, his attitude is gross. Not every bisexual woman wants to get with every other bisexual woman. Maybe you wouldn't be attracted to Farrah anyway. Maybe she wouldn't be your type.

Now back to reality. He is still the pivot in a vee. Even if he says he understands that you're not bisexual, you all need to realize that you don't have to be One Big Happy Family in order for this to work. It's enough for you and Farrah to be civilized. Friends is a bonus, but not something you should feel compelled to work towards unless you really want that for yourself, not for him.

You say you're okay with kissing and a little touching. I encourage you to evaluate whether that's something you actually enjoy doing or something you feel pressured to do for his sake.

I can't seem to shake the feeling that he's turned on by the idea of his girls being together, and that he puts more importance on his sexual fantasy than your own emotional health. Make sure you set limits that you're comfortable with, and don't let him push you beyond your boundaries.
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