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Old 06-01-2014, 08:13 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Default Jumping the hoops to make relationships work

Thinking about the other thread about std's:
Maca and I were discussing and some thoughts seemed worthy of sharing.

Relationships require some hoop jumping.
If someone is unwilling to navigate the hoops to accomplish std testing, including cost, honest discussion of risk, finding a dr, waiting for sex until resukts are obtained and shared etc.
It stands to reason they won't have the stamina or ability to withstand the myriad complications that arise in trying to bavigate schedules, emotions, responsibilities etc in a polyfamily dynamic such as ours.

I see it as a simple "pre-test" of ability and willingness to navigate complications. If they can't do that, they are better off not wasting their time with me.
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Old 06-02-2014, 03:38 AM
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We all have some standards a partner has to meet. I think it can be obvious when hoops are set out to essentially stop you having a relationship though. That's why it's vital that an individual sets their own hoops to their potential partners and it isn't an "active" metamour that is outlining what tricks you have to perform in order to date their partner.

If both are in agreement about what hoops are necessary, neither will have any issues when it comes to telling potential partners what the drill is and also enforcing it. The only time you'll get incidences of them not doing this is when they really don't agree that the hoop is a necessity.
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Old 06-02-2014, 04:11 AM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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I usually think of "hoops" as games I have to play, or stupid shit like that. Getting STD testing is not a "hoop" for me. It's easy, free (I think there are times when you have to pay for it, but TONS of places offer free STD testing), and very accessible.
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Old 06-02-2014, 05:55 AM
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Eh-not going to argue terminology semantics. You can replace hoops with steps if you wish. I don't care.
My point remains the same.
Galagirl often refers to it as "the price of admission".

My point is, this "price of admission" is purposeful in indirect ways as well as the direct and obvious purpose (ensuring std safety). One Indirect benefit is verifying (to a small degree) that the person is actually up for the level of work required to maintain the relationship.
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Old 06-02-2014, 07:59 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I do call it "the price of admission." Other people call it what they will.

But to me it basically boils down to -- each person comes with their own skills and standard/expectations for behavior in relating to others. With some things there's room for reasonable compromise, and with some things there's dealbreakers. If the players are compatible and willing to play ball, they play ball. If it's not a runner, it's not a runner. Not everyone you date is destined to be a runner.

To me basic STD health hygiene matters. But their relating skills to me and my observing them relate with others and dealing with life in general will let me know if they do conflict resolution well, problem solving well, and if they can be flexible enough to be compatible with me long before sex share between us is even a question. I already can know that the relationship is best left as friends and not to pursue. As friends, these things do not affect me. As a partner they would affect me more and I don't want any hooha. Even if I find them attractive it's easier not to pursue and leave it as friends.

So I basically agree.

Relationships do require some effort. If a person cannot be bothered to put their share of the effort required into sustaining the rship? The relationship just isn't gonna go anywhere satisfactory. Not a runner.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-02-2014 at 09:13 AM.
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Old 06-02-2014, 09:34 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyinPractice View Post
I usually think of "hoops" as games I have to play, or stupid shit like that. Getting STD testing is not a "hoop" for me. It's easy, free (I think there are times when you have to pay for it, but TONS of places offer free STD testing), and very accessible.
Not free in the state of California. There are SOME that insurance MAY pay for (the common top 3) once a year, all the rest including HSV 1 & 2 or more often than once a year is extra. The "free clinics" charges about $75 per test with a discount for more than one at a time.
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Old 06-02-2014, 09:59 PM
PolyinPractice PolyinPractice is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Eh-not going to argue terminology semantics. You can replace hoops with steps if you wish. I don't care.
My point remains the same.
Galagirl often refers to it as "the price of admission".

My point is, this "price of admission" is purposeful in indirect ways as well as the direct and obvious purpose (ensuring std safety). One Indirect benefit is verifying (to a small degree) that the person is actually up for the level of work required to maintain the relationship.
"Price of admission" seems like a good term. A hoop for me implies effort above and beyond what is typically expected. It's a "hoop" or whatever for me to ask a friend to only see me after 9pm on weekdays. It's not a "hoop" for me to expect them to call if they're running more than a few minutes late. I feel that's just basic standards in a friendship.

I guess the biggest difference is, a hoop is a legitimate, "Look it's too hard to be a friend with you because of _____." If that "hoop" is you expect me to show up on time? I'm not going to feel bad. If it's, "It's too hard to be friends with you because you only have an hour for me a month," than that's totally reasonable.

Actually, I think that's a good litmus test for making standards in poly relationships. Is it really a fair "price of admission" or is it a "hoop"?
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Old 06-02-2014, 11:48 PM
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Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I think jumping through hoops as an action I have to go through to make the relationship happen. For instance if my partner worked an opposite schedule than me and I wanted time with them I might change my schedule to make that time. That is jumping through a hoop. Quitting smoking because my partner has asthma would be a hoop.
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Old 06-03-2014, 06:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Not free in the state of California. There are SOME that insurance MAY pay for (the common top 3) once a year, all the rest including HSV 1 & 2 or more often than once a year is extra. The "free clinics" charges about $75 per test with a discount for more than one at a time.
Your mileage may vary.

I'm also in California, and when I told my gynecologist that my partner was interested in having other partners and that I would like a full range of current STI tests for his (and his prospective partners') peace of mind, she ordered a complete set of tests, including HSV 1 and 2 and HPV.

I was not charged anything. (That may be because the insurance I had then was tailored to the perceived needs and risks of college students.)

On the other hand, Xicot and I shared the cost of an HPV vaccine series for me, because I did not have any strains of HPV and am past the age where any insurance covers the vaccination.
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Old 06-04-2014, 04:07 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
. . . verifying (to a small degree) that the person is actually up for the level of work required to maintain the relationship.
The thing that sticks me about this statement is that I don't want my relationships to be work. Yes to the relationship working well, but not to my partners and I having to work hard to maintain it. I want my relationships to be easy-going, fun, light-hearted, and smooth. When a relationship starts needing work... ugh, it's probably run its course. I don't feel anymore that longevity is the gold standard that proves a relationship is working, so if it ends it ends and I can deal with a broken heart - but to try and make something work that just isn't anymore seems pointless to me.

So, while I know this thread was inspired about the one on STDs and testing, which I agree is necessary, but as a separate topic - looking at a potential partner's willingness to "jump through hoops" as a criteria for whether or not they will do the work necessary for a relationship rankles me a bit. I dislike being involved with high-maintenance people, so I don't want to have hoops for them to jump through nor be seen as high-maintenance, either.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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