Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-21-2010, 12:08 PM
ellie ellie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 27
Default Have any of you taken a "break" with your primary while still having a secondary?

Just curious if anyone has take a "break" (like not seen each other for a few weeks) while seeing a secondary in between. I don't live with my primary, but I did have all my stuff over there and a key. I don't anymore because he thinks we need to take a "break". Any thoughts?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-21-2010, 02:05 PM
rpcrazy's Avatar
rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 171
Default

why are you on a break?
I completely disagree with the idea of "breaks"...I feel it's a result of a failure to communicate and a failure to adapt your communication. One in the same really, and somewhat delusional as well...

They seem to work for only specific circumstances. Even then, the issues could of been resolved a different way.
__________________
---------------------------------------------------\\\
-"There hasn't been a person i've been with that I didn't love for 10 seconds to 10 years." David Duchovny
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-21-2010, 02:58 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

I think "break" periods are usually "re-evalution" periods or perhaps periods where you're trying something else out to see if it fits better.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-21-2010, 03:07 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,864
Default

@RPC

My wife an I took a "break"...it was done for multiple reasons...and it was needed

a) she has been ill for the last few years. Being in town has not been healthy for her as this town represents a lot of her bad habits. She needed to go home to "reset" and come back with a different mindset. It was killing me to see her continuing to make the same mistakes over and over again.
b) I was wallowing in self pity over a love situation. When I am hurt, I become very introspective and need to process. Communication does nothing for me in this case, because it simply means I am rehashing the same problem over and over again. I process much better, with extreme challenges, in private
c) She was also going through some self discovery. Being home helped her find more of herself. And I couldn't be happier with how much processing she had done.

Sometimes breaks are needed, useful and healthy. I spent 3 weeks away from Pengrah and she and I came out much better because of it. You may disagree with breaks, and thats great for you. But sometimes life calls for it. I would rather take a 3 week break then still be in the same place I was in, in March.

@op

Sorry for the mini hijak. You could have simply meant a break (like school, work etc)...I have never had the opportunity to have a secondary without my primary around. So I am not sure. I am not sure of your ages etc, but sometimes love can feel like its moving to fast. So if you have moved "stuff" in that can be tremendous pressure for someone. Taking a break to reset that feeling and moving your things out could help. You should definitely talk to your partner as to WHY there is a break needed. Once its clear you may find you agree.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-21-2010, 03:36 PM
ellie ellie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 27
Default

We've been together about a year and a half (sorry for not including that in) and he's been seeing his secondary for about 3 months (this is the first girl outside our relationship and I've been with one other about 8 months ago). I just started leaving stuff there when I had major surgery in February. We've moved really slow and built a relationship. His secondary asked to leave a toothbrush a month in and we both thought it best not too.

It's along story, and I've posted before, but we are taking a break for a few weeks I think so I can sort out my issues with the secondary. One of my main issues is she doesn't know we were/are in an open relationship. He's told her he sleeps with other people but that's it. She prefers the other women he's with to be nebulous.

I know alot about her from what he's told me and from what I've found out through facebook or her online dating profile. I know she wants a mono relationship. He doesn't like the fact that I know everything about her. He doesn't want me to meet her, contact her etc.

We fought this weekend about it and he packed up all my stuff and told me to leave. The next day we talked over instant messenger and he said maybe we just need a few weeks break.

I just don't know...oh and we are 27 and I'm 32, his secondary is 29

Last edited by ellie; 06-21-2010 at 03:37 PM. Reason: additional info
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-21-2010, 05:59 PM
rpcrazy's Avatar
rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Las Vegas
Posts: 171
Default

@ariakas
Like I said, I know from experience breaks work out in specific situations. I've seen them before and have been involved obviously. But, I feel that taking a break is kind of like running away. However, the term "break" is also bit ambiguous so to clarify, i'm talking about months or years; not like a few weeks of no contact or less frequent contact. I'd say that kind of thing is perfect for certain situations. A renewal of self and all that...

@OP
My experience with the whole break scenario didn't turn out too well. However I feel it could help in a multitude of ways if the universe sees fit. Are you still talking to him, or do you have no contact?
It's possible he could feel an extreme longing for you now that you're gone...Maybe you 2 can take this time to connect back to the RAW reasons why you got together in the first place?
__________________
---------------------------------------------------\\\
-"There hasn't been a person i've been with that I didn't love for 10 seconds to 10 years." David Duchovny
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 06-21-2010, 08:19 PM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

General inquiry: What about the difference between "we need a break" vs "I need a break."

In Ariakas' case, it sounded like each of you needed your own breaks from many aspects of life, not just each other. She needed to go home and be away from everything day-to-day. You need to withdraw and be with just yourself when you figure things out. That strikes me as different from "the couple" taking a break "from each other" and still carrying-on their usual day-to-day lives.

I've never taken a break in any relationship. To me, the phrase "We need a break" sounds like code for "I want to break up with you, but I'm too chicken-shit to just rip off the bandage, so I'll drag it out, pull away gradually, and hope that you eventually stop calling." If I'm in a relationship that has problems and we want to stay in the relationship, we solve the problems.

It's also a danger sign, to me, that you were effectively kicked out over one fight. Usually reactions that dramatic are because of something that's been building, not something that happened just once. Regardless, taking a break won't solve any of the problems you're having. Your problems are centered around a mutual failure to communicate and share your respective needs and boundaries.

She wants a monogamous relationship, he doesn't want you to contact her, and she doesn't really know you exist in the context of being a serious girlfriend.

My gut says he's playing her and wants you out of the way. If you "take a break" then he can tell her you "broke-up" and that he's single and available.

.....I could be reading too much into it all, but something here stinks and I don't know enough to put my finger on it.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 06-24-2010, 06:53 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ellie View Post
We've been together about a year and a half (sorry for not including that in) and he's been seeing his secondary for about 3 months (this is the first girl outside our relationship and I've been with one other about 8 months ago). I just started leaving stuff there when I had major surgery in February. We've moved really slow and built a relationship. His secondary asked to leave a toothbrush a month in and we both thought it best not too.

It's along story, and I've posted before, but we are taking a break for a few weeks I think so I can sort out my issues with the secondary. One of my main issues is she doesn't know we were/are in an open relationship. He's told her he sleeps with other people but that's it. She prefers the other women he's with to be nebulous.

I know alot about her from what he's told me and from what I've found out through facebook or her online dating profile. I know she wants a mono relationship. He doesn't like the fact that I know everything about her. He doesn't want me to meet her, contact her etc.

We fought this weekend about it and he packed up all my stuff and told me to leave. The next day we talked over instant messenger and he said maybe we just need a few weeks break.

I just don't know...oh and we are 27 and I'm 32, his secondary is 29
I can see why you would have issues. He is cheating on her. I would be very upset about that.

I think you have just been dumped. I can't see any other reason why he would not want her to know about you and then kick you out. He wants her in a mono relationship it sounds like and you have been jeopardizing that with your annoying emotions and frustrated demands that he fess up...

I think I'd move on. He's done by the sounds of it.

It might be helpful to drop by and tell him that when she is around. Might as well spare her the drama and harm of being similarly dumped or cheated on. You could at least rest easy that she knows what he has been doing.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 06-24-2010, 09:55 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
It might be helpful to drop by and tell him that when she is around. Might as well spare her the drama and harm of being similarly dumped or cheated on. You could at least rest easy that she knows what he has been doing.
Wouldn't it be hard to do that without coming across as the pissed-off jealous ex? What would you say to be taken seriously? "Is this the girl you've been cheating on me with?"
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 06-24-2010, 03:13 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Wouldn't it be hard to do that without coming across as the pissed-off jealous ex? What would you say to be taken seriously? "Is this the girl you've been cheating on me with?"
Ya ya, in my fantasy world where no one has a voice but me it would work, but you are right, it would come across as such.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:04 PM.