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Old 10-06-2012, 08:01 AM
finch finch is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 3

hello again
to Schrodingerscat:
It does sound like you were ready to throw in the towel, and then H goes and gets herself killed, making you look like the bad guy for leaving when he needs you most.
yes, that's it. Sorry if that was a little confusing. That being said, I relate to a lot of your points. Sometimes I do feel selfish, here in my issues when G has so many other problems. I don't think that grief is the main issue- even if that sounds callous- but guilt is a very big issue. He knew H had this problem, but like me, not how seriously her health was affected. I believe he thinks he should have done more to help her to help herself. Alcoholics can be very secretive about their problem, basically no-one knew and everybody is shocked. I think in the first shock when his children were guilting me, he found it easier to pass me the guilt than to face his own. Maybe that was ethically wrong, but hey, it's understandable.
Another aspect of this is that I myself am widowed. Five years ago my ex husband died in a car crash, some years after we separated, about the time I met G and H. Many people at the time thought it was suicide. Nobody thought me in any way guilty, except, ironically, H, who believed my ex had deliberately caused the accident, knowing that I was now moving on with G and H. I found that very difficult to stomach. G was [B]very[B] supportive which angered H, which probably drove us together. Our friendship took another level, one where she was left behind.
Gawd this sounds so melodramatic!
The point is, I really am sympathetic to G. It's a strange grief to suddenly loose a person who was once a lover, more recently a fond companion, with whom one has many years of shared memories. It's a mild grief of loosing a 'once-loved-one'. The suddeness is shocking, the messiness is shocking, and it is shocking how the family system has to readjust. So I am deeply sympathetic to G and his children.
But... that accident (or suicide?) happened when our relationship was new and exciting and H's death has happened when we are battle-scarred over U's
presence in our/G's life and all our other issues.

To Galagirl, yes! How right you are. He IS choosing his behaviour, even if it is not the change I would hope for. Thank you for pointing that out to me. It will certainly help me in my ruminations. Deadlines? I haven't set any. I can see they could be important before we all just rumble along in daily life. I hesitate however to apply more pressure right now. H died around five weeks ago. We were in the process of splitting up when this happened. Now he visits, we talk, we eat, we sleep (just sleep) in the same bed. I build him up til he is ready to face the world again. It's a sort of limbo. Maybe I am selfish but my needs are not in this arrangement. You seem to be suggesting I take a hard line. You can see that I am hesitant. Can you perhaps understand why? Several tiimes I have been doing other things and have refused to let him visit. He takes that simply, then we do meet and it's just like it always was. I don't want always was. I want, like you say, new start. When I define this he says he cannot think of new right now. He wants old and familiar.

It is doing me the power of good to write this and hear your replies. Most friends shake their heads and put the troubles down to polyamory. I appreciate that strangers are willing to unravel a complicated story and offer advice.

For the record, I do not want G completely out of my life. Long term I do not want to cohabitate as I feel (not just recently) burdened by the role of 'major carer'. He is and was a man troubled with many problems. He is also a man with great heart, great intelligence and, when not depressed, a good companion. Yeah, I can take the rough and the smooth, but I definately prefer a little more smooth!
Love to all

Last edited by finch; 10-06-2012 at 08:27 AM.
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Old 10-06-2012, 03:15 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,336

Thanks for elaborating!

Yes, I can see where setting hard limits on him is not kind in his mourning time.

But what about setting some hard limits for YOURSELF that you can follow now?

It is fine to be a friend while he grieves and hang out and try to have some corner of his life be "normal" while all this "not normal" is going on. Sharing dinner. Watching TV. Play Scrabble -- whatever is appropriate in the land of friendship to a grieving person.

But I'd be leery of mixed messages -- a friendly hug to a grieving person, sure. But sleeping in my bed? Even if there is no sex... Can't my grieving ex bf sleep on the couch? Isn't that generous enough of me?

If we go out to eat or to a movie -- split the bill halfsies? Not share the same drink? No kissing? ( I do not know your habits as a dating couple so I'm guessing.)

Gently creating the emotional space between "friend" and "girlfriend" would matter to me. Not that I lack compassion -- but I would need to start making my own little emotional space if THIS is my goal:

I don't want always was. I want, like you say, new start. When I define this he says he cannot think of new right now. He wants old and familiar.
I don't have to announce big changes -- I could say "Look, this is terrible timing. I know we were breaking up, and now this. So let's just put a time out on that conversation. We can revisit it in ______ mos. "

But a death is a death. And it's a good a time as any for me to go "No... let's not. I don't feel comfortable with that right now. There's been a death and we're in time out."

Be it sharing the same bed or whatever. I am not asking my grieving ex-bf to change anything -- but I can create and have some limits for myself. Because I control my behavior.

Does that make sense?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-06-2012 at 03:20 PM.
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