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  #31  
Old 06-23-2010, 06:09 AM
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Default There is a high level of consciousness in this forum

and that is helping me to find the positives in polyamory, even though for me at the moment monogamy would be easier (I think).

I left a relationship I wasn't happy in and one of the results has been a big come down in standard of living, which doesn't worry me that much. What does worry me is that I am working ten hours a day doing work that doesn't sustain me. I get down because I see it as such a waste of my time.

This is where I depart from old Meister Tolle. I used to try and accept the situation, now I try and fix it. I was working hard to pay off some debts. Well no more. I am going to save most of the money I'm earning in these big contracts so that i can afford to take a break and get my writing career into a more financial phase.

Thanks for your concern MG. Really appreciated.

Sage
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  #32  
Old 06-25-2010, 08:26 PM
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Default Crossing Over?

I was going to call this post "All Quiet on the Western Front" because that's an apt description of my week but who the hell would read that so Crossing Over is a bit more intriguing don't you think?

So, what do I mean? Do your relationships cross over? i.e. when you're with one partner do you talk about your other relationships or do you try and stay present with who you're with at the time? Do they come up in the bedroom? Z's other love W definitely does and it feels a little weird but kind of natural as well.

I used to go through periods of upset about it because I was worried I wasn't exciting enough for Z on my own and he had to keep bringing up W during sex (his big fantasy is a threesome). So we tried excluding all talk of her but that seemed unatural because in Z's mind we are very much a V, "he loves his girls" She's his second best friend (after me) (just a label for understanding purposes) and they talk every couple of days so it is natural that she come up in normal conversation a lot too. It reminds me of Princess Di's comment about Charles and Camilla " There are three of us in this marriage". Ha, imagine the royal family accepting polyamory?

I know there is no "normal" but wondering how others deal with this?

Sage
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  #33  
Old 06-26-2010, 10:20 AM
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Talking Abnormal

My daughter and her husband came for dinner and I thought I would try out some of Morning Glory's advice about putting a positive spin on Z being poly.

It seems she was happier with my grudging acceptance than me embracing the situation. She called us "abnormal" and asked me not to talk of it in front of her husband because he couldn't handle it.
I don't mind being different but I thought "abnormal" was a bit strong.

Last edited by sage; 06-26-2010 at 10:27 AM.
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  #34  
Old 06-26-2010, 11:23 PM
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Unfortunately "abnormal" is a pretty tame word in my experience. I've got a friend who knows all about my relationship but has asked me not to mention it to his wife. He is worried she won't want me around him anymore.
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  #35  
Old 06-27-2010, 12:10 AM
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Default Worrying

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I've got a friend who knows all about my relationship but has asked me not to mention it to his wife. He is worried she won't want me around him anymore.
Don't you find that really sad? Even Z (who is the one who wants the secondary relationship) is very wary of me talking about any of this. I find it really interesting that being honest about ourselves can be such an issue.

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  #36  
Old 06-27-2010, 01:22 AM
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Sorry to hear that Sage. I guess I have been really lucky with whom I have come out to about being poly. Also I think I probably know who will be accepting and who won't so I have been selective in sharing. Hope it gets better with your daughter or that she sees that everyone is happy and eventually is okay with it. May take a little time. Then again some people just won't accept. And don't forget women have been putting up with cheating husbands for years so that is viewed as a little more mainstream. For some people it is easier to think that a woman is a victim of her circumstance rather than an active participant in exploring her happiness via alternative means. Keep looking for the positives!

Last edited by Morningglory629; 06-27-2010 at 01:25 AM.
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  #37  
Old 06-27-2010, 03:24 AM
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Yeah. That daughter, after Z, is my best friend and I sense this is going to be a bit of a journey for us. I had her when I was very young and she has often taken on the more conservative role in our relationship. Her embracing Christianity hasn't helped the situation.

I do worry that in being upfront about aspects of your life that can be perceived as "abnormal" people are so confronted they no longer see you, only that one confronting aspect.

As an aside I was doing some polyamory research and came across the fact that one of the first references to polyamory was made by Morning glory Zell-Ravenheart in the late 1980s, any coincidence?

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  #38  
Old 06-27-2010, 04:51 AM
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Sage,

I have loved reading your thread. It is great in depth discussion about poly vs. mono and how we feel about the different points we are all at. And the latest seems to be about coming out. DH and I have decided not to come out. It would never work in our family and among our friends. His brothers know but they don't really understand how it works. They just think "Hey cool wife, she lets her husband sleep around". They just doing seem to grasp that there is so much more to it than that. One of his brothers while stands behind DH no matter what his decision doesn't agree with how we came into this because of all the cheating. His other brother is d-bag most of the time so it really doesn't matter what he thinks.

Our families are bible thumping church addicts where they have strong enough opinions about homosexuality. Forget poly!

So for that sake it is a lifestyle we choose to live in peace and so far have been very successful at working towards that. Its a personal choice.
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  #39  
Old 06-27-2010, 09:24 AM
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Default What would you do?

Thanks Ak, I'm really happy for you the way things are going. Things are going well for us too but I have an unusual situation that maybe you could give me your thoughts on; anyone else feel free to jump in as well.

OK, Z knew W before me, but for a variety of reasons their relationship has grown in the two years we have been together. In the beginning I set some firm boundaries around their friendship, i.e. cuddling is OK, naked massages are not. I should say here that W and I are on good terms, she has stayed with us and we have stayed with her. We've all cuddled up in bed together (Z in the middle).

Anyway I set the boundaries when I was still holding out for my fantasy one-on-one relationship. I suppose I asked her to back off, from memory I said "I want to have a beautiful, committed, passionate relationship and I can't do that if he's in love with you" Hey it was a pivotal conversation, you remember these things.

Z feels that because of that conversation their relationship can't go any further. W has put up a wall which he keeps bashing up against.

I have emailed her and told her that I have been exploring polyamory and am now in a more accepting space regarding their relationship. She responded with something about Z and polygamy. She hadn't heard of polyamory. I sent her a good definition from wikipedia. That was weeks ago, she was supposed to come to stay but canceled. They have resumed their platonic phone calls and texts as if nothing has changed.

So here's my question. Have I done enough to right the situation? Z's shy and not good at communicating about this kind of thing. Also probably afraid of rejection Unless I intervene they will probably bumble along for years. But then is it really my job to facilitate their relationship? Isn't that going above and beyond?

He is in love with her and she says she loves him but she doesn't want the torment of opening herself up to him (because he will predominately
be with me I guess). Z feels that if I was more supportive and welcoming of her she will feel less vulnerable and reconsider. She has said she would like to go on holiday with us. I think there is also an element of her enjoying having him hanging around. She's older than him by over ten years; it must be a bit of an ego boost.

Any input gratefully received.

Sage
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  #40  
Old 06-27-2010, 04:28 PM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
As an aside I was doing some polyamory research and came across the fact that one of the first references to polyamory was made by Morning glory Zell-Ravenheart in the late 1980s, any coincidence?

Smiles


Sage
No! But this made me laugh, I will have to research MGZ-R! Purely coincidence. Love it, thanks for sharing that bit of trivia!

Quote:
So here's my question. Have I done enough to right the situation? Z's shy and not good at communicating about this kind of thing. Also probably afraid of rejection Unless I intervene they will probably bumble along for years. But then is it really my job to facilitate their relationship? Isn't that going above and beyond?

He is in love with her and she says she loves him but she doesn't want the torment of opening herself up to him (because he will predominately
be with me I guess). Z feels that if I was more supportive and welcoming of her she will feel less vulnerable and reconsider. She has said she would like to go on holiday with us. I think there is also an element of her enjoying having him hanging around. She's older than him by over ten years; it must be a bit of an ego boost.

Any input gratefully received.
No it is not your job to facilitate their relationship, but if you are interested in their happiness it is always good to be supportive of loved ones. You are facilitating your relationship by embracing your love's (W) need for continuing his relationship with Z. You are open to a friendship with her and so in facilitating your relationship with Z you are also lending support to their relationship by providing a safe environment for it to develop at its own pace. You are doing all the right things, and you will eventually see the benefit for yourself. YOU will be happy because they will be happy and secure in all of the dynamics of your relationships. Stay positive. And keep posting!

Last edited by Morningglory629; 06-27-2010 at 04:37 PM.
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