Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 10-11-2012, 11:21 PM
jones's Avatar
jones jones is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: stoke
Posts: 125
Default heartbroken.

hi everyone,

me, j and g had a long chat last night and aired out our problems...

when j first met me and g she said she thought she had to be my gf to be my g's gf.

tonight we get a text off her bf saying they both no longer want anything to do with us because of me and saying I am dramatic and they can't see just one of us ie g and not the other as we are a couple...

I am truly heartbroken
__________________
in a relationship with A, open to women only.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 10-12-2012, 12:15 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,423
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jones View Post
hi everyone,

me, j and g had a long chat last night and aired out our problems...

when j first met me and g she said she thought she had to be my gf to be my g's gf.

tonight we get a text off her bf saying they both no longer want anything to do with us because of me and saying I am dramatic and they can't see just one of us ie g and not the other as we are a couple...

I am truly heartbroken
I am sorry your heart is breaking.

Was her bf involved with you, too? And is that true that you will only date as a couple?
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 10-12-2012, 07:23 AM
jones's Avatar
jones jones is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: stoke
Posts: 125
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I am sorry your heart is breaking.

Was her bf involved with you, too? And is that true that you will only date as a couple?
yes b said they are fed up with my dramatics, on sunday we had a day out and I got upset because we didn't spend the day together and I was left outside most places to look after the kids (mine and g's) while they went shopping... they said we are a couple and they can't see one of us and not the other so they want to see g but they won't because of me. this isn't true I have my lover a and g has no involvement in despite us trying.
__________________
in a relationship with A, open to women only.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 10-12-2012, 10:20 AM
jones's Avatar
jones jones is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: stoke
Posts: 125
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jones View Post
hi everyone,

me, j and g had a long chat last night and aired out our problems...

when j first met me and g she said she thought she had to be my gf to be my g's gf.

tonight we get a text off her bf saying they both no longer want anything to do with us because of me and saying I am dramatic and they can't see just one of us ie g and not the other as we are a couple...

I am truly heartbroken
I have text j and I told them I don't want to be apart of this anymore. b has made it clear that I am the problem so I am stepping aside so g can see j, I don't want him hating me because he can't see j because of me.
__________________
in a relationship with A, open to women only.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 10-12-2012, 10:01 PM
jones's Avatar
jones jones is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: stoke
Posts: 125
Default

someone please talk to me, I can't stop crying, bf has spend 24 hrs texting and ringing her and leaving me crying and a emotional mess, I don't know what to do. it hurts so much.
__________________
in a relationship with A, open to women only.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 10-12-2012, 11:27 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,646
Default

Stop carrying on these conversations over text. Breaking up via text - how insensitive and RUDE! What is this high school?

Everyone needs to figure out how to actually communicate (not over text). Even if your not involved with this couple, there needs to be CLEAR communication. Did you tell them "Hey guys, I'm feeling left out being stuck home to mind the kids while you go off and play" or do they even know why you freaked out? Ask g to set up a meeting for everyone to clear things up. No more telephone, he said, she said, etc.

Seriously, the alphabet soup is making my head spin. Your post could use a little more clarity as well.

Last edited by SNeacail; 10-12-2012 at 11:37 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 10-12-2012, 11:42 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post

Seriously, the alphabet soup is making my head spin. Your post could use a little more clarity as well.
I was thinking the same thing. I feel bad for you and you're obviously going through a lot of pain, but if you want help from strangers on the internet, please help us to help you, and try to be more articulate.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 10-13-2012, 10:59 AM
jones's Avatar
jones jones is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: stoke
Posts: 125
Default

QUOTE]Stop carrying on these conversations over text. Breaking up via text - how insensitive and RUDE! What is this high school?
[/QUOTE]

we have tried ringing, we have been texting as it is the only way as j's partner said they don't want anything to do with us anymore so texting is the only way we can talk at least till we can try and get together as a group.

Everyone needs to figure out how to actually communicate (not over text). Even if your not involved with this couple, there needs to be CLEAR communication. Did you tell them "Hey guys, I'm feeling left out being stuck home to mind the kids while you go off and play" or do they even know why you freaked out? Ask g to set up a meeting for everyone to clear things up. No more telephone, he said, she said, etc.

Seriously, the alphabet soup is making my head spin. Your post could use a little more clarity as well.[/QUOTE]

I did tell them both why I was upset but they are not talking about it, they say I get upset to easy but so does j's partner. I am trying to sort out a meeting between us if not just j if b won't come.

Quote:
I was thinking the same thing. I feel bad for you and you're obviously going through a lot of pain, but if you want help from strangers on the internet, please help us to help you, and try to be more articulate.
I am sorry, I was hurting a lot last night and sorry I wasn't clear.

I have spoke to j, only one text and she says we spend more time being upset than happy which isn't true but it is not easy trying to get time with her and now we may never see her again. x
__________________
in a relationship with A, open to women only.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 10-14-2012, 01:43 AM
Polywannacracker Polywannacracker is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1
Default

I can't understand the specific pain of your situation, but I can understand the dynamic. It's frustrating as hell to be open and clear about your wants and needs, only to be told you're being 'dramatic'. When you keep talking and aren't being heard - or worse, are being completely blown off - it's natural to be hurt and angry. Having been through similar, all I can offer is that it gets better. That's not meant to be trite - it really and truly does.

Either j will realize she misses you and will resume contact, or you will eventually heal and allow yourself to grow from the experience. No one - and I mean no one - can 'make' or 'force' a partner to listen attentively and caringly to your concerns and be willing to make behavioral changes. Either j is willing to change her behavior out of love and concern for you, or she isn't. Some people feel asking a partner for behavioral changes is a form of control. I do not. We all have things we need from relationships, and asking a partner to meet those needs takes a great deal of courage. Regardless of the outcome, you asked. That takes strength. You will find a partner worthy of that strength eventually - be it j or someone else.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 10-14-2012, 07:08 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,223
Default

I am sorry you are hurting.

You do not state what you need in specifics. You only say "please talk to me!" so I will talk. I see you. I see your pain. I will also say this -- "don't take on extra baggage! Reduce your own stress!"

YES. It sucks! Breaking up is going to suck for a time. It is the Time of Suckage. *hug*

I can only share my limited perspective on this situation. Here is what I see. I do not know if it will help you.

If B & J have a personal limit of only dating couples? It is not YOU preventing G dating J. It is THEIR couple limit. Is G shooshing his disappointment on you inappropriately? If so, it is NOT YOU who has imposed the limit. If G wants to date J, G must tell J this. Is G doing it? If you are doing it for G because of fear of G blaming you? G is out of line not wanting to do G's own work directly. You could learn to say "No. I will not do your work for you."

If J wants to date G, it is on J tell G this. Then to renegotiate that couple limit with B. Still not your baggage to hold. It is J's job to do. Are you doing it for J? How come? You could learn to say to J "I will not do your work for you. Approach G direct."

If B has a grievance about your "dramatics" -- well, B is not wanting to talk. You cannot get the verify right now. Is it possible B means "you do not give people emotional space to do their work in? You take things on your plate that are not your baggage to hold?"

Do not do serious relationship maintaining work by cel phone text. Most of what communication does is not oral or written -- it's the paraverbal. You miss a huge chunk of the party if you do not get this part. That IS some of your baggage to hold here in conflict resolution within this polyship. You choose to engage in the texting arena. You could choose to not text. You could choose tell the person texting you "This is serious relationship convo. I cannot text this. Please make phone appointment (ok choice) or face time appointment. (best)"

Quote:
b said they are fed up with my dramatics, on sunday we had a day out and I got upset because we didn't spend the day together and I was left outside most places to look after the kids (mine and g's) while they went shopping
Why are you and G not arranging for a babysitter? So you can go out as 2 adult couples then? It is not B & J's problem to arrange your babysitter for you.

If a couple date is desired and no sitter is found, why are B & J not informed of the realities of child management? "Well, guys, if you want to go out we are up for it. But it has to be family friendly style cuz we have the kids along. You know what that means, right? You still game?"

If they are not parents themselves they may not know what it means or see when/how they are being clueless. This is on BOTH you and G to alert them to the reality of life with children. Couples can do family dates but they need to know what it is to hang out en famille.

Is G shooshing the whole childcare job on you? When are you allowed fun on these couple dates then? Since the couple will only see you as a couple. (Their limit.) If the kids have a need to be watched carefully on couple dates,the parents must do this for their offspring. What is the co-parent G's responsiveness to this need? You are willing to do your share of the kid watching. Is G willing to do G's share of the kid watching?

Quote:
we have tried ringing, we have been texting as it is the only way as j's partner said they don't want anything to do with us anymore so texting is the only way we can talk (with J?) at least till we can try and get together as a group (if/when B is willing to talk?).
This is adding to your stressy. Not taking away from it. You have pretty much said all there is to say -- that you are willing to sort things out.

You could back off now. You did your bit. Wait. (Vent here if you have to in the waiting time rather than texting vent stuff over there cloduing the issues. Do not ADD to the problem. Could strive to take away from the problem.)

Since you are willing to back off and have J & G date without you? Why are you not willing to back off and let G sort this business out with J? Let G own their emotional baggage instead of doing the work for G?

Let it be what it will be. It's hard to FEEL. But it is VERY easy to do. Just decide to keep your nose clean and do all you could do in this case. Have you done it? Yup. Now stand back and wait and see.

Why are you not willing to let it be right now? What is your need not going met so that you CAN be willing to let it be right now and wait patiently?

Hang in there!
GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-14-2012 at 07:15 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:53 AM.