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  #1  
Old 10-24-2012, 08:03 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Default husband is leaving me

Last night I was out at the club with my friends, dancing, feeling wonderfully alive and unleashed and just connecting to everyone and everything. When I got home, I told my husband (7yrs married, 7yrs living together before that) who has been absolutely miserable because of my new 2 1/2 month relationship with my female lover, that he needs to find his own happiness, even if that means he does so without me.

Careful what you wish for. This morning, my husband tells me he's leaving me. He cannot and will not tolerate anyone else's hands on my body. He's moving back to the city, which, really, is where he's wanted to be over the past few years anyway.

I suppose I could dump my girl to save my marriage, put my sexuality back in the box like I (mostly) have for years, and see how much longer I can keep the lid on it. But for me, she has been a revelation. Passionate and generous and open in a way that my husband has lost. Over the past few years, he's shut himself off from life, from adventure, and from others and himself emotionally. He goes to work, drinks, and watches t.v.. He fucks me and he feeds me and he pays the bills. He does not think I should want more than that, and true, for some women that would be enough.

This shit hurts, and I'm scared I'm doing the wrong thing. He's a good man who loves me to the best of his ability, and he's hardworking and takes care of me. I keep reminding myself (and him) that this isn't about the girl. Even if I broke it off with her, I would chafe in a marriage that doesn't inspire me, where I might be content, but not happy.

I need to know if I'm being a complete idiot. And, if I let this happen, how do I keep from clinging to my poor new girlfriend, the catalyst but NOT the homewrecker, like a friggin liferaft? I'm 40 and she's only 28 and fiercely independent, whereas I'm not used to being alone.
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Old 10-24-2012, 09:15 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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*hug*
Quote:
He's a good man who loves me to the best of his ability, and he's hardworking and takes care of me. I keep reminding myself (and him) that this isn't about the girl. Even if I broke it off with her, I would chafe in a marriage that doesn't inspire me, where I might be content, but not happy.
This is very true. Keep telling him he's a good man and a good person and he has something to offer. It it nobody's fault that you guys do not match up. He wants a monogamous relationship and you do not.

Quote:
I need to know if I'm being a complete idiot. And, if I let this happen, how do I keep from clinging to my poor new girlfriend, the catalyst but NOT the homewrecker, like a friggin liferaft? I'm 40 and she's only 28 and fiercely independent, whereas I'm not used to being alone.
You only get the one life to live. You are not an idiot to reach out for happiness in that life. It's a hard transition to go from married to divorce, but you are not the first and won't be the last. There's support groups, classes, all kinds of resources to make the split as peaceful, quick, and clean as possible. See about talking to a mediator.

As for clinging to the new GF -- be honest. You are going through a hard time, and will need extra support/patience as you sort yourself out. Don't move IN with her or anything -- but you can be on your own and still date.

Hang in there!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-24-2012 at 10:13 PM.
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  #3  
Old 10-24-2012, 09:18 PM
InquiringOne InquiringOne is offline
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It's going to be hard, but you are going to have to learn to be alone in a healthy way for yourself. I'm sure you hoped that your husband would take the impetus to change from your ultimatum (please correct me if I misunderstand that's what it was you gave him), rather than choose to leave.

I think you have to look at the world of possibilities this is going to open up for you rather than worry about if the choice was a bad one. For better or worse it sounds like it's already been made, so go into it knowing that it is for the best. Would you really have wanted to stay if he wasn't making the choice to change along with you? A person who does not support you is only going to drain life from you in the long run. As hard as it is to see now, you are going to be better off. If he changes with some time and some perspective, and seems sincere in that, you can always re-visit that relationship. but if he stays as is, you can do better for yourself, even if that means some lonely and hard times in the immediate moment. Keep your eye on the long term.

Whether this new relationship has "long-term" written all over it you will probably find out rather quickly. But your long-term happiness will not be dependent on that relationship. It will be dependent on you alone. As tough as it will be, look to other friends for support or you will risk suffocating the new relationship with your needs. If you can be strong and give just as much back to her as she gives to you, she will have no reason not to stay. So take care of yourself first.

I wish you the best of luck in dealing with your situation. Be strong!
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Old 10-24-2012, 10:34 PM
SkylerSquirrel SkylerSquirrel is offline
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Sounds like you're absolutely doing the right thing.
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  #5  
Old 10-25-2012, 07:13 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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As hard as it was for me and my husband to divorce, it was the right thing, after 12 years we did want and need different things, a very common thing to happen in relationships. I know it feels really horrible right now, but if you know he'd be happier with monogamy, living in the city, and maybe other stuff that is IMPORTANT to people, and you're happier where you are, and poly - if you can stay civil and kind, it's likely you may find in a couple of years you are both grateful that you parted ways, and are both happier than you could've been if you were both making big compromises for each other year after year, and hopefully, still friends who care about each other.

Hope you don't think I'm minimizing your feelings, I just wanted to put a positive spin on it, and say there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
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Old 10-25-2012, 01:57 PM
LoveBunny LoveBunny is offline
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Quote:
I'm sure you hoped that your husband would take the impetus to change from your ultimatum (please correct me if I misunderstand that's what it was you gave him), rather than choose to leave.
I didn't give him an ultimatum per se, but I sure didn't volunteer to break it off with my girl either. He kept telling me he'd "find a way to be ok with it" which so far, meant a strict DADT policy where I was not even allowed to speak her name, then him freaking out hardcore everytime he realized I'd hung out with her.

Though I've always openly identified as bisexual, I don't necessarily consider myself poly though I was in a several open relationships before my marriage, and was the "unicorn" in a couple of triads. Those were pretty much free-for-alls which left me feeling used and empty. I wasn't out to open my marriage, but I did go out and flirt a lot, and I just couldn't deny my body-mind connection to this particular woman when she started flirting back. She identifies as poly, which I totally get, but I'm reluctant to label myself anything right now while I'm pretty much in a free-fall.
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Old 10-25-2012, 02:17 PM
Chimera Chimera is offline
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My take on this may be a bit different from others'. I don't think it's ever a good idea to start seeing someone else if you're in a primary relationship that has serious issues or is not stable. I don't mean perfect, but I mean one that has open communication between partners. It sounds like yours was troubled on a number of levels. If you really wanted to work things out, you would need to work on that first, and then open it up.

From what you've written, it sounds like you were not happy in your marriage, and he might actually not have been either, but you weren't really communicating or fixing it. Your new relationship has given you a way out, a way to bring things to crisis. That's not a judgement, I think most people end up resolving things in these sideways fashions. Your needs are now different and you need to acknowledge it. Going forward though, if you have another primary relationship, I'd caution you to really think about my first point.
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Old 10-25-2012, 02:24 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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I am sorry LoveBunny. When you described your husband as liking routine, not challenging himself, fearing change, and a workaholic I feared the odds of adjusting your marriage to an open or poly one might be slim.

You can't make someone do hard personal work and that is what was required for your marriage to survive. I think your husband realized that he didn't want a real open/poly marriage and that he did not want to do the work needed to be ok with that type of relationship. Obviously his prerogative and probably the best thing in the long term.

That said, it's going to be miserable for a while. Ending a long term relationship, even one that seems to have run its course, is hard and will make you doubt all kinds of things about yourself (that at least has been my experience). The ideas of learning to be alone is a good one and I believe a necessary skill for any adult. And you are now free to chart your own way, to experiment as you see fit. That is exhilarating, if also nerve-racking at times.

Pulling for you!
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