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Old 06-10-2010, 03:30 PM
NadiaNemo NadiaNemo is offline
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Default Just looking for sympathy, maybe input

I apologize in advance if this gets long.

I'm still struggling with feeling really hurt after my last relationship ended. I'm going to try and explain things as fairly as possible, although I realize my hurt feelings may color some things.

I am engaged to a man, Derrick. We have no wedding date. We have been together for about 12 years, and started as two parts of a triad with another woman. A couple of years ago, I started dating another man, Calvin. Calvin and Derrick were friends and got along well enough to move in together while I finished graduate school in another state.

Eventually, Calvin got a job across the country, and he asked Derrick (and me) to move with him. Derrick did, and I was going to join them after I finished my coursework. So they were living in California while I was in Pennsylvania.

While they were in CA, Calvin met another woman on OKCupid, I'll call her Audrey. Calvin and I had been dating for about 2 years at this point. Calvin and Audrey fell in love, very quickly and very deeply. About a month or so after they started dating, Audrey moved in with Calvin and Derrick. I had spoken to her online the first month they were together, and met her a month later.

Unfortunately, our first meeting did not go well. The evening started out fine, with all of us going to a Halloween party together. It wasn't until later that evening when Calvin and I engaged in some public sexplay (with Audrey's OK, and at Derrick's request). Immediately afterwards, Calvin got up and went directly to Audrey to reassure her. I did not get a kiss afterwards... he essentially pulled out and ran off. This would have been hurtful normally, I think, but it had the added bonus of triggering some major flashbacks to some past rapes I have survived.

I was in a... nonresponsive... state as everyone went to bed, and shortly after I was left alone, I started panicking, screaming, crying, and eventually ran out of the house. I returned some time later (I don't know how long), and found Derrick in Calvin's room, trying to talk to him and Audrey. Rather than talking to them about the flashback and rape, I tried to simply talk about how hurt I was by Calvin's getting up and leaving so abruptly. Because of the emotional turmoil, however, it came off as me giving Calvin an ultimatum, and Audrey withdrew. Nothing was really resolved that night, Calvin and Audrey had very loud and passionate sex the next morning (which didn't particularly help my emotional state), and a day or so later, Audrey told me she was hurt by my not calling her that day, and talking to Calvin instead.

I left CA a day later to go back to school, which really didn't help the resolution of any of this, although we were all still trying to maintain the relationship... or at least I was.

Unfortunately, between graduate school stress and being triggered that badly, my academic life fell apart, and my family health issues did not help. I was pretty much alone at school, while on the other coast, Derrick was escaping into video games and his other women (he had three at the time), and Calvin and Audrey got closer and closer to each other.

I had a weird feeling about their relationship shortly after Thanksgiving - I began to have suspicions about them being engaged. I chalked it up to just being jealous, and ignored it for a few weeks. I couldn't shake it, so eventually I asked Calvin, and he said that Audrey had asked him to marry her a week or so before the call (but after the thought had popped into my head). I asked them if they were going to tell me they had gotten engaged, and they said they had not been planning on telling anyone, because they hadn't been dating long and didn't want to deal with people fussing about it.

Which to me is fine, but I thought, and still think, that as Calvin's girlfriend, I should have had a heads up somehow. But Calvin and Audrey say that it was none of my business.

Things continue on this very tense way until Xmas. I go out to CA for my break. Audrey is living there, the house is decorated with her things, love notes between her and Calvin are all over, and Calvin has very little time for me. I have to ask to spend any time with him. He does not spend any nights with me, we do not have any sex, and I rarely get kissed. Things get better for a night or so, after a lot of talking, but don't stay that way. While I'm out, I'm using Calvin's laptop, and while looking for some pictures I had sent him, find a conversation between him and Audrey where he states that she's his home, and her home is with him, and he can't wait until they have their own place where he can shag her whenever and wherever. I shouldn't have read the conversation, and in fact, admitted to doing so and apologized to Calvin that night, and Audrey the next day. Audrey thought that Calvin had told me to apologize, and so didn't believe I was sorry, and Calvin locked his computer and created a separate account so I could use the internet on it and that's it. I feel so bad for reading something I wasn't supposed to, plus being cut out of their lives before this, plus still having issues from the trigger and flashback, that I cut myself. I do not tell them about it, although eventually one of them notices the injury and starts lecturing me about how selfish that was.

I go back to Pennsylvania, and after another few months, things are still going badly for me, and I become suicidal. Apparently I posted a suicide note on my journal (I don't remember doing so), and Derrick called me. I've since read the note, and it doesn't actually mention either Calvin or Audrey... it's more of a will, where I state what I want done with remains and my possessions. But both Calvin and Audrey say that I was using the threat of hurting myself to punish them, and nothing I say seems to change that.

Calvin eventually stops talking to me completely. He doesn't officially break up with me, but I'm assuming that wasn't necessary for him. Audrey does talk to me some, but insists that I need to apologize for making them feel like rapists and abusers (I had told Audrey about my past abuse, as an attempt to explain why I was reacting so strongly and so badly to some things), and that I never took responsibility for anything that went wrong.

So currently I'm living with Derrick. His lack of saying or doing anything while things were going wrong has made it so our physical relationship is not going well, so he escapes into videogames and cybersexes one of his other girlfriends (eventually he agreed to not sleep with his other women until things were a bit more stable, but he hasn't actually done much to try and help our relationship that I can see). I can't seem to make him understand why his passiveness hurts almost as much as Calvin and Audrey's thoughtlessness. And Derrick wants a specific list of things he can do to make me "all better." He recommended buying Prozac off the street, and doesn't understand why that hurt.

I have no job, no money, and no insurance, so therapy isn't an option at the moment. I know there are things I screwed up in the course of things, but I wish any of the other people involved had even attempted to put themselves in my shoes during all this. I can't leave Derrick because I have nowhere to go, and am living off of his job at the moment.

I guess I just want someone to say that I'm not crazy for being hurt by these events.
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Old 06-10-2010, 03:50 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
So currently I'm living with Derrick. His lack of saying or doing anything while things were going wrong has made it so our physical relationship is not going well, so he escapes into videogames and cybersexes one of his other girlfriends (eventually he agreed to not sleep with his other women until things were a bit more stable, but he hasn't actually done much to try and help our relationship that I can see). I can't seem to make him understand why his passiveness hurts almost as much as Calvin and Audrey's thoughtlessness. And Derrick wants a specific list of things he can do to make me "all better." He recommended buying Prozac off the street, and doesn't understand why that hurt.
As your fiance and loving partner he should be trying to help you. As someone whos family has dealt with depression let me just saying buying prozac off the street is just plain stupid. There is no guarantee that it will work. You need to figure out a way to seek some help and talk to someone unbiased and comfortable. Air your feelings and emotions and hopefully they can help.

I don't know american health care but there must be a way?...

Your other couple, saying its none of your business, them cutting you off and getting together more without communicating to you is ignorant and rude. You should wash yourself clean of them imo. Absorb that hurt and begin to heal yourself with your fiance.

I sometimes imagine poly, when poly is hurting, like freezing to death, the first thing your body does is bring all the blood back to the heart to try and stay alive until it can heal itself. Poly is like this as well. When the other parties aren't helping and are hurting, you need to pull out, retract and begin to heal from the inside out. When you start to heal, the blood can rush back out and start feeling good and strong again.

Quote:
I guess I just want someone to say that I'm not crazy for being hurt by these events.
You aren't crazy for feeling hurt. You just have to learn to deal with that hurt in a healthy manner ...

Ari
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Old 06-11-2010, 12:56 AM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Originally Posted by NadiaNemo View Post
I guess I just want someone to say that I'm not crazy for being hurt by these events.
You're not crazy; some of those events sound very hurtful.

I strongly encourage you to pursue professional medical treatment to help with the emotional issues that you've been experiencing. There are poly- friendly counsellors out there, if that is a sticking point, and they are particularly easy to find in California. I'm not advising this because I secretly think that you're crazy, but because you have been through very difficult experiences that are impacting your ability to achieve your goals.

Even without insurance, there may be mental health resources available to you, depending on where in California you are. Check your local women's center and ask about your options. Re-enrolling in school through a community college or state school may also allow you to make use of their resources.
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Old 06-11-2010, 06:38 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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My first impression is that this other couple seems selfish. Taking it personally when their girlfriend is suicidal and hurting herself, saying you're doing it just to punish them? Either they feel extremely guilty and don't have a good way to express it, or else they're completely self-centered and really think it's all about them. Either way, they're not being supportive and helpful.

Derrick sounds like he just doesn't know how to cope. It also sounds like he's taking responsibility for you in a way that just isn't possible. i.e., he can't "fix you."

I think step one would be getting something to focus on other than bad relationships and a troubled mind. Find a job, even if it's something crappy not remotely worthy of your education. Just getting out of the house and having some means to support yourself can be a big boost to your self-esteem.

Oh, and you're not crazy for being hurt by these events.
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Old 06-11-2010, 05:58 PM
kamala kamala is offline
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I don't have anything to offer in the way of support or encouragement, but having personally been in depressive messes like what you're describing, I would say that everything should take a back seat until you've sorted out your mental health.

I know that some people will disagree with me here, and I want you to understand that I know what it's like to be suicidal and have done the same sorts of things as you've described in your post, but part of me thinks it IS emotionally abusive to threaten those around you with suicide. It's great if people can be supportive and strong enough to ride out things that intense with you, but I don't actually think they are obliged to. When you are emotionally volatile, it can be hard to not be perceived as manipulating a situation. Derrick sounds like he isn't the slightest help, but honestly, a very depressed, suicidal unemployed girlfriend can be a massive drain on any relationship.

Whether they are insensitive or not, it's not up to them to care for you - that's your responsibility - I guess you already are looking for a job, but I wouldn't underestimate the power of taken things into your own hands. It sounds like you still need to process the rapes you mentioned in your past. Maybe cut your losses with this other couple and start to focus on healing yourself now, and your relationship with Derrick. I learnt the hard way to not poison relationships with my own issues. It's amazing when people you love can be a help during difficult times, but these days I feel that maybe I should sort it out, see a therapist, whatever, in my own time and my own terms. THEN I feel justified in entering into relationships with others, knowing I can offer the best of myself to them, not the worst.

I don't think you are crazy for being hurt by these events, not at all. I really hope you can find the strength to get out of this spiral. Depression sucks Hugs!
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Old 06-11-2010, 06:58 PM
NadiaNemo NadiaNemo is offline
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Just a few notes:

I have looked into therapy in my area. Many of the low-cost/sliding scale/free things that I can get to are not accepting patients. I've had several visits, a few of them have cost up to $80 for the initial visit. So I'm looking into it, but I have not yet found any.

I am looking for a job, even retail, have not been hired for anything despite several interviews - some of it is being viewed as overqualified, some of it has been attributed to moving around a lot while finishing school, even temp work has turned me down due to most assignments being in the medical field and me not having anything official on that subject. Am waiting for a background check to clear so I can start some volunteer work at a local animal shelter. Am also waiting to hear about financial aide for a vet tech program I applied to.

I have also perform in a choir that meets once a week and has had a performance every weekend for the past month. I have used my university access to do a lot of research on depression, and am currently using a combination of supplements that seems to be helping with that. Also adopted a cat (only pet allowed by the lease), which provides a very rudimentary form of animal therapy.

I never used suicide or the self-harm as a threat. They found out I was suicidal about a month after the "note," which never mentioned them, and they saw the self-harm scar only because my sleeve slipped up my arm when I handed one of them something. So they started lecturing me about suicidal tendencies after it happened, when apparently Derrick mentioned it to them. I HAD told them about going to therapy, having trouble, and being stressed, but had never said I would hurt myself or kill myself if they didn't do X, Y, or Z. I've even examined old conversations to see if I had done so and not remembered, nothing there.

So I am not just sitting on my ass. However, my chances for talking about the relationship and what happened have been very limited, so I did not list all that I have done to try and "take things into my own hands," because I didn't want to add that to the post.

Thank you for the supportive comments thus far.
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Old 06-12-2010, 06:18 AM
kamala kamala is offline
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I didn't mean to imply that you were "sitting on your ass"

It's tough that sometimes the people that need the help the most are in exactly the position that limits their access to that help...

Please don't understand me the wrong way: in my experience it never helps to pity someone and go along with a "poor me" attitude, at least it didn't help with me. I only got off my ass as far as depression goes when someone told me that it was nobodies business but mine to get better.

I'm sorry the people in your life don't know how to support you through this I still think that as far as that other couple is concerned, you need to cut that sort of thing out of your life until you feel strong again. I think the onus is on people to heal themselves as far as they can, but if they both are so willing to interpret your actions as a personal affront to them, maybe keep a bit of a distance from them for now...?
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Old 06-12-2010, 06:42 AM
NadiaNemo NadiaNemo is offline
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I think the frustrating thing is, is that... how to say this... yes, I have to work on a lot of stuff on my own to get better. But I don't know if it's entirely accurate to say it's "nobodies business." Therapy helps, medication helps, stuff I can do on my own helps... but without a support system, it's... a lot harder, if that makes sense. It's not my fiance's duty to "fix" me, but it would be nice if he could keep things that hurt or make it harder for me to heal to a minimum, if that makes sense. I really try to separate rational from irrational hurts, and, for the most part, my requests for him have been like "Could you not have sex with your other lover in our bed" or "Could you read this community for people who are supporting abuse survivors and see what sort of things you could do to make some things easier" or "Could you not have cybersex with your other girlfriend every night, so we can work on our own issues." When things were going badly, I did ask him to try and talk to the other couple sometimes, as he lived with them, knew the situation, and while still emotionally connected to the situation, was less likely to start crying or something during a conversation, and could be seen as less... demanding... than I was. He didn't do any of that, which I have tried to understand, but doesn't help with the feelings of abandonment.

So yeah, there's a lot I have to do "on my own." But for people that claim to love and care about me, I would think that they would want to find things to do that WERE helpful, even if they weren't "fixes," exactly.

I mean, we all have people whose opinion means a great deal to us, and when we're having a bad day, they can either make it a little easier to deal with, or a hell of a lot worse. Did they CAUSE the bad day? No, not necessarily. But can they HELP? Sometimes, yes. And as long as I'm not going into "I'm depressed and you should do whatever I say" sort of mode, I don't think it's unreasonable of anyone to say "I'm having a lot of issues, and I'm doing what I can, but it would be helpful if you could do X." And if they SAY they'll do X, and they don't... it just adds another layer to the things that need dealing with. So they can't fix me, but they can certainly make some things easier.

And I haven't really spoken to the other couple in a year... the other woman does email me every so often, my ex boyfriend has done his customary withdrawing from the situation thing. But because it's always been this... subject that doesn't get discussed, or when it does, it's always in a "This is what Nadia did wrong" sort of tone, so that doesn't help me have the emotional and physical energy to deal with the stuff that IS more my responsibility.

The few times I have been able to mention it to anyone, it's always met with "Well, you need to fix you, and that's all you can do." And I know it's well meant, and I know it's not entirely wrong. But it's still feels like it puts a lot of weight on my shoulders, weight that I'm already dealing with. It would be nice if any of the the other three people involved seemed to be trying to actively help in some way, and not just standing aside, if that makes sense.
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Old 06-12-2010, 02:52 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Default you are right,.......

You are right. It would be nice.

It should be as you said. You should have those that love you, being able to be that shoulder you can lean on through the tough times.

Life throws curveballs though. This is one of those times. I think (by little things said) the people around you are also consumed in their own mental health issues possibly.

It doesn`t mean they love you any less. It means they aren`t strong enough to be what you need.

You are the only one who has been strong enough to admit, and try and take care of your issues. YOU are the strong one.

That is why it is important for you to look after you. You are the best, and most capable person, of championing yourself.
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Old 06-12-2010, 09:18 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I haven't read anyone elses posts so excuse me if there is repeats, or I am out of the loop....but, wow...

I'm not sure why it was such a good idea to commit to these people and why it was good for them to commit to you in terms of any kind of future together while you were going to school. I think if this were me I would of said goodbye and got about the business of getting an education and my own life long ago. Who knows what opportunities were missed with perfectly good lovers where you went to school.

I can totally see why this lot would become blasé about you and half keep you in mind. Even in the event of when you went back and had semi-public sex they were seemingly half caring about your investment in them. I think I would of stayed way back to see where I was at before diving in and giving of myself entirely as you did. Especially after being triggered. I think I would of pulled right back on my investment at that point.

Then it went on... More investment on your part, less on there's to the point that now two are engaged and one is an addict by the sounds of it or so out of touch he doesn't care whatever happens.

It sounds like you are on your own my friend. If you want any semblence of dignity in life and any feeling of self worth (which to me is why you are depressed because you gave that away long ago to them), then I think you need to get out of there and find your own way in life. Get a job, a place of your own, possibly with roommates. Looks like this dream you invested in was built on nothing and they are just tagging you along because they feel they owe you and think you can't look after yourself.

Show them and yourself pthewise and go take on your life as you should of years ago.

That would be my advice and opinion, for what its worth.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 06-12-2010 at 09:36 PM. Reason: "blasé"
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