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Old 06-20-2010, 05:50 AM
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MariusdeRomanus MariusdeRomanus is offline
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Default Party of Five!

*Names used are obviously fake, but I like them, so I'll always refer to them as long as I'm a part of this forum, which may be quite a while... mostly because they're so funny.

Like so many others, we're taking small steps and going super-slow. This doesn't suit my demeanor as much because as my husband "Company" likes to say we may as well have been in a five-person relationship doing everything but sex for the half a year at least. But Selene, whom I've known the longest out of everyone (including Company... she met him first and introduced us), needs more time to think about it than the rest of us do.

Let me explain our little five-some: I'm married to Company, and I've been intimate with Selene a handful of times a few years back. Selene is married to Andulvar, and he's... difficult, at times. Thunder is single, and we've known him since high school.

Selene believes this to be a good idea because she feels that way about the four of us, but she has some issues with sex... she's more attracted to women (me), and sometimes having sex hurts. I have no idea why, it's just the way she is. She's more interested in having a less sexual relationship with Company and Thunder. Company's a little miffed, because he's very attracted to her, but he wants to do right by her and go with the flow until she's comfortable with sex.

Andulvar is very overprotective of Selene, maybe too much. He wants Company to back off, though to be fair, Company hasn't done anything but talk about it hypothetically with Selene-- who is more than willing to theorize about it all.

We have agreed many times that this is only a theory; if we can't all agree to how we want to have our relationship together, we won't do it.

I'm curious about how to help the situation... I wish Andulvar weren't so protective; Selene can talk for herself, and I know she likes that much better. I believe that if we are all in a relationship together, we each need our own voice, not to stick to a marital one. Obviously, we did agree not to do it if we didn't like the way it would go, but I very much want it, and I know that Company and Thunder do, too, and Selene at least wants the love from us (which she gets anyway, but it'd be nice to wine and dine her altogether, you know?).

Any advice is helpful, please and thank you.
~Marius
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Old 06-20-2010, 05:03 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Sounds like it's time to apply some serious communicatin'--Andulvar's overprotectiveness may be aimed at protecting *him* instead of her. I'd speak with the two of of them together and figure out why he keeps trying to speak for her instead of letting her speak for herself. I'm hallucinating that if he's trying to "protect" her from simply speaking about possibilites, it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with him.

As I said, that's my hallucination. The only way to find out what's happening there is to actually sit down and hash it out.

At the same time, exploring Selene's reticence would also prove useful. I take a lot of time to think about many things and decide on a course of action, so I can understand that to some extent. When there are several other people involved who are waiting on me to figure something out, though, that's reason to accelerate the process and find out exactly what's causing my hesitation. There are issues there that should be openly addressed.

With five people involved from the outset, it's really important to get in the habit of expressing concerns openly. Too damn many people for folks to hold onto issues in the hopes that those will work out later and so forth--just spill it and deal with it.
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Old 06-20-2010, 06:18 PM
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MariusdeRomanus MariusdeRomanus is offline
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Thanks for the advice. I'll use it and see what happens.
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Company is my husband. I'm dating Selene, Ariel, Vegeta, Thunder, and Andulvar.
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Old 06-21-2010, 12:37 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Keep us updated on how it goes.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 06-21-2010, 07:01 AM
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k, wait a minute, I only counted four... company, thunder, Selene and the writer.

It sounds like you have a tribe starting up. As it seems to go, there is a lot to sort out and a lot to wade through emotionally through communication.

Keep at it. My advice would be to make sure you also let Selene talk for herself. Sometimes it can be seen as hypocritical if you are telling her partners that she should have her own voice when she could be saying that herself. Perhaps you should talk to her about stepping up and doing just that and then letting it go.

I agree, there is something that could be a red flag in the fact that Andulvar thinks Company should back off. Ah... there is the last one, my mistake... I'm not sure who thunder is then and what his place is in this mix? Anyway, I would wonder what possible hidden emotions are underneath that for him.
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Old 06-21-2010, 02:24 PM
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company, thunder, Selene and the writer. and adulvar @ red pepper

Are you sure selene really wants a relationship with 3 dudes? (<jealous!) She seems a bit more female exclusive for a relationship like that. I mean, maybe she's just inexperienced idk...My girlfriend said I hurt at first but we do it all the time now :/ Maybe she just needs to get used to it!?
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Old 06-21-2010, 07:53 PM
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Sometimes sex can be painful for me, especially doggie-style. I have an extremely small vagina (I can reach my own cervix with my index finger, and my diva cup sticks out by over 1cm). It's not a question of getting used to it, it's about finding positions that work for me. Certain positions, I will never get used to, any more than a 6' person could get used to sitting in a contortionist box.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MariusdeRomanus
I wish Andulvar weren't so protective; Selene can talk for herself, and I know she likes that much better.
This almost sounds more like controlling than protective. My understanding of this statement is that Andulvar doesn't always allow Selene to speak for herself, but rather tells the rest of you what she thinks and feels?

Perhaps by the term "marital voice" you mean that he also speaks like "we feel this" and "we think that"? That's also silly. Married people don't share the same brain and heart. They have separate thoughts and separate feelings, and they may not always be in sync.
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Old 06-21-2010, 08:27 PM
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Quote:
I have an extremely small vagina (I can reach my own cervix with my index finger, and my diva cup sticks out by over 1cm). It's not a question of getting used to it, it's about finding positions that work for me.
Do you find this extremely limiting? What if your spouse had a large member? this statement makes me sad... I like getting crazy sometimes! This makes me think of a scenario where you've fallen in love with someone where sex hurts...man, that would suck

Quote:
Married people don't share the same brain and heart. They have separate thoughts and separate feelings, and they may not always be in sync.
Some people would beg to differ. I completely agree with you though. Protective seems to be a PC word for controlling.
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Last edited by rpcrazy; 06-21-2010 at 08:43 PM.
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Old 06-21-2010, 09:00 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rpcrazy View Post
Do you find this extremely limiting? What if your spouse had a large member? this statement makes me sad... I like getting crazy sometimes! This makes me think of a scenario where you've fallen in love with someone where sex hurts...man, that would suck
I don't find it limiting, as we still have many positions available that are really really fun. It also makes some positions available that wouldn't work for other couples because it wouldn't provide them enough penetration to be stimulating. And for the guy, since most of the nerves are in the head, depth isn't always important (at least that's what I'm told).

My spouse has the perfect sized penis for my vagina. And he's not tiny, either. He's average sized. If he had a 10" cock, there would be issues for sure. My vagina is small, but all vaginae ((wow, spell checker actually agreed with that spelling)) have some natural stretch to them, so I can be accommodating. I had sex with a guy once who had a 3" cock and it did nothing for me, so I guess I'm not THAT small :P

I enjoy the psychological aspect of doggie-style, and when we do it, I get conflicting feelings: it feels good but it hurts. I'm not a masochist - it's not the hurt that feels good. It's more that, it feels so good that I don't notice the hurt that much.
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Old 06-21-2010, 09:31 PM
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Default I can talk sex theory all day...

I had sex with a guy once who had a 3" cock and it did nothing for me, so I guess I'm not THAT small :P

You had me scared for a moment, but you've renewed my hope! thx!

Most of the nerves ARE in the head, however I find the contraction of the uterus is tighter the deeper your in. In certain rhythms, the moment I go my deepest, is the moment she contracts the hardest, attaining a blissful level of sustained or intermittent intimacy and ecstasy all.at.once.

yeah, most women seem to have the same view of doggy. It hurts but it's so good that it's ok, and some people even so it's so good that the pain turns into pleasure too. Guess it all depends. In any case, i get your point...It's not really a matter of getting used to it. But as you've alluded, everyone can kind of "readjust" your sex to match up.

-gabe
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