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Old 06-15-2010, 01:08 AM
NumberFive NumberFive is offline
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Default Do I Belong Here, or Am I Just Dreaming?

I'm not entirely sure I belong here, but I could use some wisdom and guidance from those more experienced than I.

I am a 25 year old male who has been in a committed monogamous relationship for about five years, and married for almost two. I am extremely happy with my relationship with my wife, who I considered my wife long before we made it legal.

I have known since before we met that I am poly, and informed her of this after we had been dating for a few months. We discussed it in depth, and came to the conclusion that she was not willing to share me with another woman. I was disappointed, but our relationship clicked so perfectly in almost every conceivable way that I agreed happily to remain monogamous in my relationship with her.

Over the past five years, I have done so. Once or twice in that time the topic of other women has come up in an offhand, theoretical way (with no particular individual in my mind, that is to say), and while she does not balk at discussing the topic, her answer has always remained the same.

Just recently, a long-time and very dear female friend of mine came to visit us. It was the first time I had seen her in five years (just before my relationship began with my wife), and the first time my wife had met her or spoken with her at all. Amazingly, the two of them seemed to fit right together and became instantaneous friends. They stayed up long into the night talking with each other. I woke up with them still discussing the most intimate things about love, sex, and life.

A few days after our friend left us, my wife blindsided me by saying that she might be interested in bringing her into our relationship. Needless to say, I was floored by this, and we spent a long time discussing it. I have had this woman as a friend for most of my life, and while there has never been anything romantic between us, there has always been a connection deeper than any other friendship I have had, a connection that was no weaker for the years we spent apart.

Every time I think about this, even typing it, my hands and face are lead, and my stomach is falling through the floor. I want to explore this possibility, seriously, and have no way to break it to my friend. I have no idea how to even explain it to her. I'm not sure it's even possible to enter into that kind of relationship after being so long in another.

There are a million and one problems with this, so much that I know it's almost impossible. Our friend is very sexually and romantically repressed, lives far away (although she hates where she lives and wants to move), and has a strong preconceived notion of what she wants out of life (but is starting to realize that it's not going to happen). Other than that, I'm concerned that my wife and I might be forcing her into something we want, rather than something our friend wants.

On the other hand, we all get along together extraordinarily well. We are in concert on many key beliefs, are at about the same level of intelligence, and have many overlapping interests. Yet, at the same time, she brings something new and fresh to our relationship, a perspective different from either of ours. Most importantly, I care for her deeply, and I think with time my wife will just as much.

My plan right now is to continue to nurture the relationship between the three of us and just see if it goes anywhere organically. After all, there's only been a few days where the three of us have all been together... but it was a wonderful three days, and on an almost spiritual level, I just know that we could work. But there's a mountain of issues and when I tally them all up I just wind up feeling like a fool.

Is there any insight you can offer me? At the very least, some candid remarks about how stupid I am and some advice for moving on? I'm happy to answer any questions you have if they would help cut through the clutter.

Number Five

Last edited by NumberFive; 06-15-2010 at 01:11 AM.
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Old 06-15-2010, 01:29 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
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Posts: 545

Hello !!
Thanks for sharing and welcome to the forum !!
Take a few deep breaths. Your wife is the one who brought it up after spending a lot of time with your friend. Just relax. You may not have to do anything. Let them develop their relationship and see what happens.
Read a lot on this forum.....you'll learn a lot.
I find that it's better not to try to "move things along" or try to control things. Human connections take on a life of their own. Create time for the three of you to spend time together as well as time with her and time they can spend together. Considering the distance, etc... it might take a while.
That's good....you won't be able to try to rush things
Good luck!!!
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
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Old 06-15-2010, 09:41 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by idealist View Post
I find that it's better not to try to "move things along" or try to control things. Human connections take on a life of their own. Create time for the three of you to spend time together as well as time with her and time they can spend together.
I second this thought.

Your plan to just let it grow organically as it's meant to is a good one. If love and romance are meant to be, they will develop in their own rite. If not, then you could destroy a great friendship by putting her in an awkward position.

As you know, if your friend is conservative, she will have a hard time with the idea of a polyamorist relationship. Throw in the fact that she'll be entering an established marriage, and it would be daunting to say the least.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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