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Old 02-15-2013, 11:08 PM
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Default When do you define the poly relationship

To catch up on my story, here's my intro:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40446

So, where we are now....All is well on the front with my husband FJ & I. We are in a really good place of understanding and connection.

But (there's always a but, isn't there?) my gf MD is a mystery. She knows exactly where I'm at, and how I feel about her, and how FJ feels about us. What I don't know is how SHE feels about all of this. I'm unsure whether this is a relationship MD wants to pursue, or if it's just a fun thing for her that isn't too serious. Things that she's said leads me to believe she has really strong feelings for me. But I also get the feeling she feels like this is a relationship that isn't going to go anywhere else. Mostly because she keeps talking about where we live. And she's right. No one here would get it. It's a super small town, she's lived here forever, and it would be all anyone would talk about. It certainly would hurt my reputation as a fundraiser for a big non-profit here.

I'm ok with it being a secret except for among a very few close friends. Do I try and define the relationship with her moving forward, or do I just enjoy what time and energy she can give me for now? It gets frustrating and confusing to guess what we are. If I should back off and give her space, or push the talk to set up expectations. Ugh. I am definitely leaning towards just space and when she wants to hang out, I'll be there. But, I have only ever had a relationship with totally open communication, so it's hard to act differently. Thoughts?

--franchescasc
FJ-husband of 13 years-virgins when we married-mono male
MD-gf for 4 months-probably mono, maybe poly
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Old 02-16-2013, 12:33 AM
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Could you just ask MD whether she considers this a serious relationship? if she wants it to go any further? Do *you* want it to go any further? What kinds of goals and expectations would you like to have in place?

Is MD a "reluctant talker," or does she like to communicate? Does she mind talking heavy personal stuff? Can you increase the amount of communication with her just a little, at least?

When do you want to define your poly relationship? Do you consider it a poly relationship? Based on what I've read so far, I would consider it a poly relationship. So maybe you can define it right away, if you want to.

Do MD and FJ have a romantic connection, or are they just friends? If, "just friends," then, you have an FFM "V" relationship. If MD and FJ have a romantic connection, then you have a triad. Either way, you can define it right away, if you want to.

Could things get serious enough with MD to consider all three of you moving to a bigger city, where you'll (probably) have more acceptance? On the other hand, maybe it's premature to assume your small town won't accept it unless/until they've had the opportunity.

These are just questions to help clarify the matters. Hope some of this helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 02-16-2013, 01:07 AM
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Default Defining

Anytime I've talked about if it was a serious relationship she says something about this town and how she wishes it were different. I'm just not sure if that's a reflection of how she feels about me, our relationship or just the place we live.
I don't think I really have goals per se, just want to make sure we are on the same page and I'm not getting more invested than I should.


She is and isn't a reluctant talker. We both have lost our fathers when we were young, and we can pour our hearts out about that. We can talk about a lot of things very candidly. But she has not had healthy relationships before, and I definitely feel the brakes when I try and start up the "what are we" convo. She will talk for a little, and then change the subject. Just not sure if I need to press the issue or not. This is all new for both of us and I don't want to scare her. I'm farther along with thinking about/researching poly and what it means.

They are just friends, with a deep level of mutual respect for each other. So I guess it's a FFM V. I would describe it like that. Again, sort of unsure about her view on it.

I've definitely daydreamed about it. But that wouldn't be for quite some time. And our small, southern own would absolutely not accept it. Don't get me wrong, there would be a handful that would be just fine. But plenty that have the power and the money here that could cut me off job wise if it came out. She has a nasty ex too to worry about.

--franchescasc
In a FFM V (apparently )
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Old 02-16-2013, 01:29 AM
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Ah, it sounds like MD is the one who's reluctant to have the "relationship conversation." I wouldn't give up trying to talk to her about it, just give her a nudge now and then.

As for the town you live in, it sounds like you have three choices:
  • keep your poly relationship a secret,
  • break up with MD,
  • move out of that town.
I personally think you have a good relationship with MD so I wouldn't vote for that option. I'd vote for the other two options. There's no rush on anything, so for now you can just keep your poly relationship a secret while you figure out what to do.

You won't have enough info to know what your next move is until MD opens up a little (e.g. elaborates what she means about the "too bad about this town" saying). And you can't force MD to open up, so it looks like you're stuck giving her a verbal nudge from time to time. Perhaps you can press a little deeper as time goes on, but do so carefully, checking MD's "emotional temperature" to make sure it's not freaking her out too much.

I know it doesn't seem this way, but you're very lucky in that you have a lot of love between three people and a husband that supports you in this. Sure there are some challenges, but treasure the good, and just tackle the challenges a little at a time.

Keep us posted on how things are going.
Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 02-16-2013, 06:24 AM
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Default Planning to keep nudging

Great advice, thank you! Today is a day where I can feel her pulling back. I'm resisting going after her, and just giving her some space, because I know she needs room to sort out her own feelings. But I do feel very lucky and mostly happy about this new relationship. It's damn frustrating sometimes, but worth it if even just for the journey of self discovery.

Thanks!
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Old 02-16-2013, 06:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
Anytime I've talked about if it was a serious relationship she says something about this town and how she wishes it were different. I'm just not sure if that's a reflection of how she feels about me, our relationship or just the place we live.
My interpretation, based on first impression only, is that being able to be "out and about" with your loved one is something that she considers integral to her version of a "serious relationship."

I can practically remember the exact day that my girlfriend and I had this conversation. She's the "fall fast and hard" type, likes to see her partners each and every day if possible. I take things slower and I'm much more introverted and solitary, I'm fine to go days without seeing someone. Early on in our relationship, we had a talk about where we both saw this going. I told her I wanted something a little more casual.

At first she really struggled with that, since it's completely against her nature and every relationship she's ever had. But her husband came to our rescue and explained to her that if she came in too hard & heavy, she would scare me away. It took her a lot of processing and self-control, but she scaled it back. Now she basically thanks me for teaching her independence in relationships, so that's kinda cool.

Despite our beginnings, we've grown much more serious than my initial expectations. Like the tortoise and the hare, I take my time but I get there eventually. So with that in mind, my advice is just take it at face value for now and just give it space to grow. After all, what's more important: the quality time you spend with her or the label you put on that time?
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Old 02-16-2013, 06:56 PM
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Hi franchescasc,

I think it is wise of you to give MD some time and space to sort out her feelings. You will be able to figure out your relationship with her a little at a time.

The great mystery of life is how creatures as complicated as humans manage to have loving relationships with each other. I will always be amazed about that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 02-17-2013, 12:57 PM
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Default Insecurities

Well, it's apparent to me that I have a lot of hidden insecurities to work out. I've been in the same relationship with the most loving and devoted man for 18 years. I don't have to question that at all. The new relationship with MD has me questioning every word and action I say or she says. I want to grow past that. I'm glad this is forcing me to look at hard things in myself. Thanks for the encouragement!
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Old 02-17-2013, 05:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
At first she really struggled with that, since it's completely against her nature and every relationship she's ever had. But her husband came to our rescue and explained to her that if she came in too hard & heavy, she would scare me away. It took her a lot of processing and self-control, but she scaled it back. Now she basically thanks me for teaching her independence in relationships, so that's kinda cool.
I think I relate to your gf.. seriously that is me.. and I am learning to scale back.. any more info would be appreciated on maybe some things that helped her scale back... I am one that likes interactions, and conversation even if it is mundane makes me feel like were still connected.. again.. I haven't did a background intro on my self which i really need too.. but due to my youth I was left alone almost half my life, until I met T.. I can't stand to be alone. nor can I stand not to have interaction.. so with that.. I relate to your gf.. how ever I don't think I fall hard and fast.. I am cautious but need the but I do come in hard and heavy.. so thanks for posting this .. I am learning self control now.. hell I am learning a lot more about self then Imagined I would right now it must be a growth time.. any how Thanks again for posting this..
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Old 02-17-2013, 05:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
Well, it's apparent to me that I have a lot of hidden insecurities to work out. I've been in the same relationship with the most loving and devoted man for 18 years. I don't have to question that at all. The new relationship with MD has me questioning every word and action I say or she says. I want to grow past that. I'm glad this is forcing me to look at hard things in myself. Thanks for the encouragement!

I hear yah. I am in the same boat.. T and I have been together 18 years our selves its a joy to have that.. but I am doing the same thing.. wonder if the planets alignment has anything to do with this? lol.. It does seem like a reflection on self time.. Hope we both can fully grow
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