Seeking balance

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

Do you open the topic of poly - and how it could be a legitimate option for her to build intimacy and a strong support system ? And start the education by offering examples of how that can happen.

And if you don't, but just try to offer sympathy and 'classic' dating advice - WHY ??????

GS

I absolutely tell people. I am up front about my situation. I simply can't see the benefit in NOT being honest about the fact that this "lifestyle" IS the solution to finding my happiness and security.

A few people have gotten saucer sized eyes-but most have been curious, interested and in wonderment.

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

I absolutely tell people. ....................
A few people have gotten saucer sized eyes-but most have been curious, interested and in wonderment.

That's awesome LR

And just to be clear - I don't see this in a framework of some 'poly-activist' role. But if you were trying to be supportive and helpful to a GF or even a stranger and you truly believe in the potential of poly life, to me it would only make sense to lay that out on the table as a possible option with some potential for success.

Yea - maybe you will get 'saucer eyes' - but that's ok. You've offered the information - there's no obligation to act on it. That's a personal choice. But to me, whenever I'm trying to help someone out, I prefer to layout as many options as I see possible.

I just wonder how much this is happening vs how much poly gals are afraid to potentially expose a side of themselves they are trying to keep hidden - and therefore steer away from entirely.

GS

[saudade]

I'm going to start with basics...

Rather than "What needs to happen here?" let's try "What is happening here?"

According to EL314, the majority of women on dating sites are looking to marry, with or without children from a prior relationship. Idealist suggests that cultural images of marriage and relationships push women to seek marriage.

As someone about to get married, I'll throw in that there's over a thousand legal benefits to being in that state in the U.S. (no clue worldwide), nevermind the social ramifications. Though there's lots of history leading to women wanting a ring and a white dress, it's also the mainstream model for meeting one's goals. You get a ring, and you have someone to split the bills and the chores and bitch to about your day, with sex thrown in as an added bonus.

I guess it depends what kinds of difficulties she's having.

I mean, if you're having trouble meeting someone who has the same interests as you, same goals, sexual attraction, is responsible enough to be a good role model for your kids and a reliable parent, and that whole package, then it's going to be just as hard if you're poly.

Perhaps you were talking about the notion that by opening her options to the poly dating pool, she might be able to find more compatible mates? I guess that's possible, but the poly dating pool is so small, adding those potential partners is a bit of a water drop in the bucket.

Thing is, maybe relating in a poly way would free the everywoman from having to get all her needs met in one place. Even if she can only find one partner, and even if they call it monogamy, maybe she realizes that it's okay for the relationship to not be her One True Perfect Relationship, and that it doesn't need to meet all of her needs. That alone would be pretty awesome.

As for giving relationship advice... I'm openly poly, so I do my best to give healthy advice, and to keep in mind that my friends are asking ME for advice because they want MY advice, either as a semi-level-headed person or as a polyamorist, and respond accordingly. I do in fact proselytize about poly, but usually not in moments of advice-giving. I'd rather just live my life and have it be good, and have people see that as my testimony, not my words.

In cahoots,
~S

PS-- I totally want men in on this discussion. Maybe it's just me?

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by saudade

.........it's also the mainstream model for meeting one's goals. You get a ring, and you have someone to split the bills and the chores and bitch to about your day, with sex thrown in as an added bonus.

Oh dear ! Scary life outlook ! But You're probably right
But think about it. Most of these same 'advantages' can be worked out in a poly arrangement too. Everything but legal protection/insurance etc.

Originally Posted by saudade

Thing is, maybe relating in a poly way would free the everywoman from having to get all her needs met in one place. Even if she can only find one partner, and even if they call it monogamy, maybe she realizes that it's okay for the relationship to not be her One True Perfect Relationship, and that it doesn't need to meet all of her needs. That alone would be pretty awesome.

Originally Posted by saudade

....... I do in fact proselytize about poly, but usually not in moments of advice-giving. I'd rather just live my life and have it be good, and have people see that as my testimony, not my words.

I'm not a big fan of proselytizing - it's really offensive. But there's a way to offer information and let in drop unless more questions are forthcoming. Which then get answered honestly. Like you hinted at - something along the lines of .......
"well, there's more than one way to have good people and support in your life - but sometimes it takes more than one - and we have a name for that !"

Originally Posted by saudade

PS-- I totally want men in on this discussion. Maybe it's just me?

LOL - well, men will undoubtedly chime in if they desire but like I mentioned a couple posts back, our input is not really applicable to the discussion. It's the credibility factor.

If you are going to listen to discussion about how to kayak, you aren't going to listen to the guy in the speed boat.

GS

[LovingRadiance]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

That's awesome LR

And just to be clear - I don't see this in a framework of some 'poly-activist' role. But if you were trying to be supportive and helpful to a GF or even a stranger and you truly believe in the potential of poly life, to me it would only make sense to lay that out on the table as a possible option with some potential for success.
...... But to me, whenever I'm trying to help someone out, I prefer to layout as many options as I see possible.

I concur! It just doesn't make sense to me to limit the suggestions because OH MY GOD SOMEONE might have an issue with it. JUST because someone has an issue, doesn't mean it's not an option.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by saudade

As someone about to get married, I'll throw in that there's over a thousand legal benefits to being in that state in the U.S. (no clue worldwide), nevermind the social ramifications. Though there's lots of history leading to women wanting a ring and a white dress, it's also the mainstream model for meeting one's goals. You get a ring, and you have someone to split the bills and the chores and bitch to about your day, with sex thrown in as an added bonus.

Other than the ring, you get all those things with any common-law relationship. And in some cases, marriages doesn't mean splitting the bills, it means taking on someone else's bills, because they're staying at home raising your kids. Of course, you can just as easily financially support your common-law partner, so I guess that's meaningless.

In Canada, common-law status has 99% of the same legal benefits as marriage. Federal-tax-wise it's identical, as with custody, insurance, death, etc. And unless Harper has his way, this holds true even for same-sex common-law relationships. I don't know about other countries.

When we got married, I noticed a slight shift in our level of commitment. We had been talking about "the future" long before we got engaged, we had joint accounts within weeks of moving in together, we had shared investment/retirement planning (which obviously implies a long-term, post-retirement commitment). But for some reason, making a real actual promise to work on, maintain, and protect our relationship no matter what happened, seemed to make it more real.

Random comment: I always balk at people who buy a house together, and then say that marriage is too much commitment. You can get a divorce in an afternoon and one person can take over the lease, but selling and dividing a house is much more involved.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

Random comment: I always balk at people who buy a house together, and then say that marriage is too much commitment. You can get a divorce in an afternoon and one person can take over the lease, but selling and dividing a house is much more involved.

As someone who was common-law married to someone and owned a house with her. This is 100% true. I was "divorced" quickly, but fought over the house for 5 extra years....