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  #61  
Old 04-21-2013, 11:08 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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I don't know if this is going to make sense or not. I sent my therapist (who I hadn't needed to see since the start of the year) a message asking to talk to her so I can get this to make sense.

Lots of little things, all add up to one big thing. Probably easiest to start at the big thing and work down.

I don't truly have anyone who loves me/cares about me except on their own time table and if it doesn't fit in to have me there they just don't. What sucks is most of this applies to my fiancee.

Whenever Woodsmith and I have the potential for time alone he either runs off to the basement to work or into the computer or television. He doesn't ever try to engage me and if I try to engage him then it's met at a brick wall.

About 90% of the time I try to talk to Woodsmith about anything he does one of three things. He either completes ignores it (well I guess that isn't right, he doesn't ever realize that I'm saying anything to him), interrupts me because he thinks he knows better than me about anything and doesn't need to hear what I say, or just throws it aside after agreeing to it.

Anytime he DOES want to be affectionate towards me or anything more intimate or passionate is when I'm being affectionate with someone else. He doesn't even want to look at me unless my attention is on someone else.

Lamian (and Primal for that matter but on a lower level) doesn't really respect my relationship with Primal. Last Wednesday (the 10th) Primal's brother had moved to town so I offered to move our day. Which worked out well because Lamian had requested to have that time with Primal since his brother had moved in. Lamian and Primal had gotten into a major fight earlier about Darkeyes and Primal's problem with Lamian putting Darkeyes to co-primary status and focusing so much time on him. Primal and I had decided on the 7th we would move our day to the 13th. On the 9th Lamian (knowing that we were talking about moving our day) decides she wants Primal to go to St. Charles with her to work on stuff at the Ren Faire site because she was already planning on spending Thursday, Friday, and Sunday with Darkeyes and there was no way that anything could be important in Primal's life other than what she wants (even though she could have gotten rid of one of her days because that meant from Wednesday she was going to be with Darkeyes all the way until Tuesday afternoon for no reason other than she wanted to). Primal did explain we already had plans and if she wanted to spend more time with him she would have to give up one of her days with Darkeyes (needless to say she didn't). On his end of things, we could be having a conversation or watching a movie and he allows Lamian to pull him away in the middle of something because she wants to talk to him.

I don't know what's keeping me here in St. Louis. I don't have anyone. I could do my type of job anywhere. I could do photography, burlesque, fire anywhere.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #62  
Old 04-21-2013, 11:11 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Also I can't count on Woodsmith. He'll tell me over and over that he'll do something and he never will. He makes promises that he never keeps and then gets pissy when I get upset with him.

And he still refuses to show me affection unless he wants in my pants, which basically means we haven't had sex for a few month because I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore when he does jack shit to show me that he wants me.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #63  
Old 04-23-2013, 07:19 AM
monkeystyle monkeystyle is offline
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Ever heard of the expression that 'your mind creates your reality'?

I'm not sure how you project to the people you talk about in real life, but based on your writing you seem to go through a lot of times where you internally devalue yourself and people around you as a kind of negative discharge of worries and doubts. Of course you may not literally feel this way, but it does make me think that if you're being dramatic on the bad days, you might be equally the opposite on good days. Which, if I were around you and saw a glimmer of this behavior, I'd probably be wary of triggering you one way or the other. Right or wrong, I'd avoid you.

This cycle of pain, healing and more pain followed by healing (etc) seems to be a hard thing to deal with, and for that I feel for you and everyone like you I've ever come across (and there are many). I think you hope for better, but that you don't know how to make it so.

This blog may be therapy for you, and great for you if it helps. But if you could go back, change the names and read this blog like an outsider looking in at a stranger, what would make of it all? Do you share these thoughts with others in the way you describe them here, or do they only get a watered down version?

I think at some point, the inner mind has to meet the outer world and come to a reckoning, if there's any hope of finding happiness. Even if that means losing everything in favor of finding some internal peace that enables you to meet the world as a person in charge of themselves, their behaviors, and their path in life.
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  #64  
Old 04-23-2013, 12:30 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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I pretty much use the blog when I'm in a bad mindset because writing when I'm low actually helps.

I talked with Woodsmith (because something I forgot to put in on the earlier posts was the fact that the only reason the stuff regarding Primal was giving me issues was because of things with Woodsmith). He feels that the reason he's had such a disconnect is because of how poor his focus and memory are (he has really bad ADHD). He's going to go to counselling and look into going on medication to see if those help.

Pretty much once I had that conversation all of the upset I was feeling just went away.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #65  
Old 05-12-2013, 02:38 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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So an over-all update.

Lamian, Primal, and Darkeyes dynamic is slowly getting things worked out. Lamian has made it clear to both Primal and Darkeyes that she is willing and wanting to have the changes that Primal requested go forward. Right now the biggest hold up is that Darkeyes needs to stop seeing Primal as a negative force that shouldn't be around him (Darkeyes and Lamian got together when Primal and her were having problems and Darkeyes still sees Primal as the "bad guy").

Primal informed me of a conversation he had with Lamian about his and my relationship having a small change. We've started incorporating d/s into things (not to a dom/sub level, more of a top/bottom level). During that conversation she mentioned the fact she is still working through how to interact in regards to me after both of us being sick and getting better and the fact that Primal and my relationship (which was only planned to be fun and short term) did develop into something serious and long-term.

Primal and I also talked about how to help Woodsmith with the issues I mentioned having with him. Just how to interact with me in a way that satisfies my need for touch and affection (Primal and I are both empathic and tactile so there's a lot of cuddling/affection there that I need in my relationships. Woodsmith isn't because he sometimes delves into his own little world and can't really get pulled back out well.)

On a serious note (and not so poly but one that if someone has advice PLEASE PM me with it). Yesterday I went to the wedding of one of our friends. The founder of my burlesque troupe and her now husband (who DM's the D&D game Primal, Woodsmith, and I play). While there what I figure is my social anxiety hit me to a level that I realized a few things. 1) I'm not really a social chameleon but instead I can survive in social environments when I'm either connected to someone in my family, dancing, spinning, or taking photos. 2) If those aren't able I close off (either mentally by sitting by myself in the crowd or physically by finding somewhere to hide). 3) If things get too overstimulating I crave something sharp to try and pull myself out of my head. Before getting in the hospital the doctor I was seeing said all my anxiety stemmed from depression and I did not need any anti-anxieties for a PRN need. However, I've realized this is not the case and for situations where I may fall to step 3 having something like Xanax on hand would be good. In a months time I'm going to have two situations where I can fall there (a wrap party for cast/merchants at Ren Faire and my own wedding) and I have no idea how I'm going to make it through.

I have plans in mind. One I know shouldn't be hard, having my family and a couple of people aware so if I need to grab and go I can. The other isn't as easy because I've never been officially diagnosed with social anxiety so I don't know how easy getting a prescription for something as addictive as Xanax would be or how to get a hold of it otherwise.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #66  
Old 05-28-2013, 09:41 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Posts: 373
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This past week things have been better with Woodsmith. He's being more present and more concerned with me and how I am doing. I'm still not anywhere near 100% of thinking I can count on him again but it's better. Part of me is curious how things are going to go once his internship starts tomorrow (he should be done by 5 so the question is does he think of coming home or doing something else afterwards). But I know he's been aggravated at the lack of sexual contact (honestly once I took care of what I needed to in therapy I realized I would give up sex way to easy to make believe I had love so since that revelation about 2 years ago I realized that if I wasn't feeling love from someone I wasn't going to have sex with them) and since he has been showing some improvements I may surprise him with some today.

Things with Primal are still going really well. A couple of weeks ago we've started adding in some D/s elements to our relationship and it showed me a big difference between my relationship with him and my relationship with Woodsmith in regards to the D/s. Woodsmith is very much geared towards sadism and pushing to the edge of boundaries. I've been trying since we got together almost 4 years ago to convince him to at least get a play partner who is open to that stuff so he can work it out with them and hopefully not want to do that all with me. He never has so I never get to really let go because I'm always needing to be completely aware of every little thing he is doing. Primal and I both have empathic natures so every time we've done something D/s related he's able to get me flying.

Last weekend I had some serious fears that I do want to spend time talking with Primal about. One of his concerns when we got together was that our relationship would upsurp my relationship with Woodsmith. Things between Woodsmith and I haven't been the best because he's closed off from me (as opposed to me putting Primal above him) and has basically neglected any emotional/mental caring. So one of my fears, that I briefly mentioned to Primal but we've yet to have any alone time to talk about it, is that if Woodsmith doesn't step up that I'm going to lose him as well.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #67  
Old 06-10-2013, 01:06 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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So I think my fiancee tried to rape me Sunday morning. I was sleeping in the tent (we work Ren Faire and camp out during the weekends of it) when he came in. I woke up, frozen from what was happening to him pull my underwear to the side and starting to finger me (which to my knowledge is the fifth time this has happened in our 4 years together). After a few moments of that, and myself getting wet despite my fear, he tried to push his way in about 4 or 5 times (thankfully my body didn't betray me to the point of not tightening up to block him).

I'm planning on confronting him about it at home today when I'm home from work and he's home from site. Lamian at the least should be in the house so even if we are in a different room I will not be alone with him. I have now realized the trust that I had gotten back from him emotionally neglecting me for about 18 months is now completely shattered and I'm afraid of him. I don't know if this has happened during instances I have not woken up and therefore am not aware, and cannot trust it won't happen again.

Have hit a point where I need him to acknowledge what he did and agree to both couple counseling and counseling for himself for us to continue. Otherwise I have no idea where to go from here. There's a part of me that wants to tell him if he doesn't that we are still getting married because I'm not screwing my parents out of the 10K they have put up for this because he won't respect boundaries and I need to be married to get food stamps but that he is moving out and finding somewhere else to live. We'll be married on paper but nothing else.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #68  
Old 06-11-2013, 01:10 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Talked with Woodsmith. He's going to find counseling in regards to what he's done (and the five previous things) and we will be doing couples counseling to help me re-build trust.

So how bout something positive. Primal and I are going splendidly. Recent development is starting to dabble a bit into M/S. Basically he is not just my boyfriend but my lord, dragon, owner, and master (I use any of those endearments) while I'm his lady, princess, pet, and slave (match with the order of his). He's also told me that he will be my protector because I am his charge and it is his responsibility to his charge to make sure she is safe.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #69  
Old 06-11-2013, 10:54 AM
wildflowers wildflowers is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
I wasn't feeling love from someone I wasn't going to have sex with them) and since he has been showing some improvements...

I never get to really let go ....

Things between Woodsmith and I haven't been the best because he's closed off from me (as opposed to me putting Primal above him) and has basically neglected any emotional/mental caring.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
There's a part of me that wants to tell him if he doesn't that we are still getting married because I'm not screwing my parents out of the 10K they have put up for this because he won't respect boundaries and I need to be married to get food stamps but that he is moving out and finding somewhere else to live. We'll be married on paper but nothing else.
PLEASE be careful of what you are doing to yourself here. Maybe more counseling for you alone is in order as well?

I know you probably only post at the worst times, but you are talking about marrying someone you don't trust, who doesn't seem to care for your needs, and instead abuses you. Even if it's just on paper, how are you going to feel about that, and what will it do to the rest of your life? Will you be able to be honest about the state of the marriage with others, or will the flaws in the marriage create falsehoods and barriers in other relationships that are important to you?

And you think your parents would value 10K more than your welfare? And that they would value spending it on a sham?

May be marriage solves short term problem - food stamps - but is it really worth the long term price?

I think you need to get to a place where you see your life as your responsibility, more under your own control. And learn to generate more happiness for yourself.
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  #70  
Old 06-24-2013, 04:44 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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So Woodsmith has contacted a few places to get his part of things started. If he hasn't heard anything by the wedding I'm going to have him call all the places at least once a week to get us somewhere.

Lamian has gotten a lot more comfortable with the developments in the relationship between Primal and I. She's just worried of being seen as a third wheel so one of the things that is going to be work on is if we start getting to an uncomfortable place her letting us know at that moments so we can step back then.

Primal and I have talked about things that might really help me. I can get so upset/stressed about the fact that things that I do may hurt someone else (such as Lamian not feeling comfortable with things) and so one of the things that we are going to work on is helping me and the family start working towards having me as a submissive to them all (and still his slave). We've started looking at a website about B.E.S.T. slave training (which interests my psychology side having a lot of Adler in it). Today one of the tasks I had was to start thinking of what I viewed the concept of a perfect slave. While I haven't been able to see things in relation to tasks/goals I was able to delve into what I view the psyche of the slave as. Which had me acknowledge some of my fears of being degraded to a second class citizen who's wants and needs could be ignored if someone else doesn't want to have them acknowledged (that my happiness can be sacrificed for anyone else's). I discussed these with Primal to which he stated that making sure that I'm able to feel confident and happy in my relationships and know that I will not be less is part of his role of protecting me as my master and in making sure that which belongs to him is kept in a nice state.

Hey, what do you know? A pretty positive post.

There are a few more things mulling about in my head about various things but the ability to translate them from head to words has not yet approached.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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