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  #171  
Old 10-08-2013, 05:45 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Default What he asked me to put at the end

"This reads like a very accurate description of what how our relationship developed, what it was, and how it has waned. I fully admit to failing to communicate when it was absolutely necessary. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I never thought of you as a toy. I've always wanted a harmony between you, Lamian, and Peaseblossum when she was involved in my life. I admit to degrees of selfishness, lies of omission - not to benefit or hide, but from uncertainty of how to communicate and fear of harming those I cared about. I made mistakes by acting before taking the feelings of those I love into consideration. I'm not perfect. I acted on impulse, then knew I had to discuss what I had done, and where my relationship was going, but put it off out of fear i suppose. Fear of hurting someone I cared about. I've tried, and I've broken hearts, mine own included by my mistakes. I've tried my very best to be a good person. I'm sorry. I feel guilt, shame, and failure...I'm sorry."
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  #172  
Old 10-08-2013, 05:10 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Wow, I'm kinda aghast now. Lamian asked me to take down the note and when talking to her about it found out some stuff that makes the idea of getting back with Seven one that would need a lot of changes. Apparently that was the first she had known of some things like there being sex before last May and talks of love and deeper feelings before December. I had not known he kept so much from her.

I wish I could say that stopped all my feelings for him but it didn't. I'm disappointed in him but still love him. And knowing that if she does grant us the ability to be together (which I wouldn't blame her for not) then readily focusing on making sure everything is okay before anything begins.
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Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
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Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #173  
Old 10-08-2013, 05:20 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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Honey this man has shown you his true colors.

He has NO respect for you or his wife, only himself.

GTFO a person who loves you would not treat you this way.
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  #174  
Old 10-09-2013, 11:50 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CattivaGattina View Post
Wow, I'm kinda aghast now. Lamian asked me to take down the note . . .
I hope you didn't take it down. I still think he was not good to you, but it seems she's still trying to control what you do.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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  #175  
Old 10-10-2013, 05:39 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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I did take it down. Since I do want to repair her and mine friendship and she was somewhat distraught over the idea of people she knows knowing her life via the internet. I felt that leaving it up would be more detrimental. I didn't delete it, just made it visible only to myself.

Since posting the note (and learning from Lamian what I did) I'm starting to realize that while I still (and probably always will) love Seven he's not healthy for me at the moment and my not ever be.

He treated Lamian like shit in regards to his and mine relationship and put me in the position of an accomplice even though I didn't know it. I wouldn't be surprised, upset, or blame Lamian if she would never be okay with him and I being together again.

Do I still wish for it? At the moment yes. While my mind and heart are starting to come to terms there is a large part of me that can ignore all of that (but even those parts have it as a hard limit that any restart would have to be completely different).

There's still discussion since he didn't get the job and isn't moving of the three of us having a round table discussion. But my mindset of what I'd be coming in with is different than it was a week ago.
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Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
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Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #176  
Old 10-11-2013, 11:30 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Yesterday had the first day since the breakup that Seven and I were home the whole day by ourselves. He was off work and I had to take a sick day because I got hit with a bout of vertigo (and then medication to counteract it slept me out for a few hours).

Was a little awkward but not as bad as either of us thought. We spent some time working on trying to figure out where a friendship line is.

Had a couple of conversations (well same conversation with a small break between walking the dog and going to get some food stuff for the night) about how things have been for us over this past month (and particularly with that day). I confronted him a little with what Lamian said and his reply was the same as what I had first thought (and what Woodsmith's reply was when I told him). That while he never flat out told her in direct words we hadn't hidden that we were having sex (and I was someone that she had given him in the past the okay for sleeping with). We were very affectionate towards each other and I was going over there once a week to spend the night so while yes she wasn't directly told some of it was also choosing to ignore it (again he probably didn't think he needed to tell her in direct terms since she had given him a green light earlier, I was on his yes list for sexual activity). The same somewhat applied with the comments of feelings, we'd talk about how we felt about each other (giving I love you's and calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend) when she was around. I did mention that I was disappointed and hurt that I was used as an unwitting accomplice to his hurting her.

I also told him that I've gotten to the point that I'm no longer holding out hope anymore for the two of us to be together. He mentioned he's not at that point yet. I explained why, especially in relation to what had happened to Lamain, and that I know there would have to be a lot of work done and changes made for a lot of us in order for it to work. That while I would love it as a pleasant surprise, I needed to stop holding out hope because if it doesn't happen and I still have that hope then I'm going to end up in the same heartbroken state I've been for a while without having made any emotional progress.

On the way back from the store we also talked a little about why he thinks his and mine relationship was so difficult for Lamian and Peaseblossom. The two of them were cut from a very similar cloth. They carry themselves the same way, express emotions similarly, have very similar staunch views on various topics (including the idea of a power exchange as it deals with feminism of just setting it back). I am completely different fabric than either of them. Peaseblossom could never understand why Seven was with me because I wasn't like her and Lamian. Lamian had difficulty not only with trying to understand how important that power dynamic thing is for Seven (because he's always had a drive for a position of authority with someone in a relationship but when he was younger it came out as anger and aggression), figure out what role she has in his life since that isn't her, and the fact I was the first girl (even in just a sexual aspect) who was from such a different fabric than her (aspects that she thought he would always hold nothing but disdain for but cherished me with them and the process of helping me through them).

I still don't know where things will go. I still don't know where I want them to go. If it can be done healthy I know I want to try again, but only if things are different and it can be done in a much healthier and ethical way. Otherwise I want to keep him as my best friend and confidant, which a part of yesterday was spent on working on.

CHANGE OF TOPIC:

Tonight Woodsmith and I are going to our first kink event. It's a munch for one of the kink groups here. Partly to get him introduced to the scene (and possibly figure out what he would want in a partner) and partly to get me meeting other people who are either submissives or dominants to make friends with. I know I'm not looking for ANYTHING relationship wise for at least 6 months.

I'm a little apprehensive about this. Mostly on how Woodsmith is going to act. We stopped anything related to even bedroom kink before I took ill with my depression last October. Neither of us were getting anything really out of it. He had fun playing in the concept of the bedroom but didn't know what to do and had zero interest in anything outside of. He has always wanted a fighting bottom. I went through the motions for him but since he was never into it I never was able to and honestly now I get physically ill at the thought of doing anything play with him. But I think he's going to try and convince me to wear the collar we got when we first started thinking it and I'm going to have to tell him no because he isn't my dom in any way and I am no where near his sub and will not pretend to be so.

Tomorrow I'm going to a burn in my city. Only burn I'm getting to this year and the first burn I'd be going to without Seven.
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #177  
Old 10-12-2013, 02:07 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Apparently the kink munch is a lot harder than I expected. Leaving me upset and in tears missing him and what we had. I thought I'd be able to do tonight but now I don't know.
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Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #178  
Old 10-12-2013, 06:18 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Made it through the munch. Wasn't easy. Met a few really cool people, explained my situation, got support that way. Woodsmith met a few people he may get a little play experience with if we go to the group's Halloween party. I'm a little apprehensive about that due to how difficult last night was.

A few people offered that if we do go to the party to let me experience some of the stuff I'm interested in. Which I think would be good because whether I end up back with Seven or ultimately in a new D/s or M/s relationship I'll have more knowledge of what I like.
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #179  
Old 10-13-2013, 02:38 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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Returned home from Artica (that's the burn I was at). I was much more apprehensive about the burn than I was the munch and surprising that's the one that went easier. I was more afraid of having problems there because it was another burn (Interfuse) that Seven and I realized we had more feelings than friends having sex and thought of that as our anniversary.

As I was leaving it though I realized why it might have been easier. Burns were something I was into and interested in before he and I got together. It just turned out that they were something we could share. The kink/power exchange was something that I didn't realize was so important until being with him.
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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  #180  
Old 10-13-2013, 05:05 AM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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I thought I was done with this fucking fucking to pieces.

I lied. To myself and pretty much everyone I had talked to. I haven't given up hope for getting back with him. The one way I think I could is to not be in love with him and I don't know how to stop loving him.
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Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
NT: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: NT and Merry girlfriend
Umbra: Elle's Dom
Pet: Umbra's slave/wife, Elle girlfriend
Domo: Pet's submissive
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