Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-09-2010, 06:15 PM
Kadence Kadence is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1
Question How do you do it??

Please help me. I am so deeply in love with a man who has told
e that he could never be with just one woman. He has recently talked his girlfriend of many years into trying polyamory, and I'm trying so hard to go in for it too, but I have so many mixed emotions.

First of all, he's been with her for a long time. How do I not feel like an outsider or the third wheel? How to I manage the fact that they live together and I'll be on my own?

Secondly, every man I've ever been with has either cheated on my or left me for someone else. Is it wrong for me to want someone who will be as completely comitted to me as I am to them? Is it selfish of me to not want to share (again)?

I'm also young, and I want to have children. They both already have kids froM
previous relaionships, so I feel like I won't be able to have that either.

I really want to make it work, so please help me get over these things! How do I see the other side, to see that this could be great?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-09-2010, 06:51 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kadence View Post
Please help me. I am so deeply in love with a man who has told
e that he could never be with just one woman. He has recently talked his girlfriend of many years into trying polyamory, and I'm trying so hard to go in for it too, but I have so many mixed emotions.

First of all, he's been with her for a long time. How do I not feel like an outsider or the third wheel? How to I manage the fact that they live together and I'll be on my own?

Secondly, every man I've ever been with has either cheated on my or left me for someone else. Is it wrong for me to want someone who will be as completely comitted to me as I am to them? Is it selfish of me to not want to share (again)?

I'm also young, and I want to have children. They both already have kids froM
previous relaionships, so I feel like I won't be able to have that either.

I really want to make it work, so please help me get over these things! How do I see the other side, to see that this could be great?

First, ask him if he will have kids of your own with you and will he support those children as a father should. If he says yes then you have a place to start. If he says "no" than move on to some one who will fulfill your needs.

You may as well cut to the chase on this one my friend. Otherwise you could put in a tonne of effort and for something that will never make you happy.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-09-2010, 07:55 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 168
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kadence View Post
How do I not feel like an outsider or the third wheel? How to I manage the fact that they live together and I'll be on my own?
Well, in theory, at some point in the future that time difference won't matter as much. It may one day make sense to all live together. But it sounds like this relationship is pretty new, so I'm not sure it makes a lot of sense to focus on this stuff right now. Instead, figure out if you can get enough of what you want and need from this relationship for it to make sense for you to be in.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kadence View Post
Is it wrong for me to want someone who will be as completely comitted to me as I am to them? Is it selfish of me to not want to share (again)?
Nope, that's not wrong at all. If you're clear that what you really want is a mono- relationship, don't settle. Unless you're some kind of saint, your resentment will eventually poison things, or you'll meet someone who will give you that and wind up bailing. That said, a lot of people who had a hard time with polyamory at first are now super happy to be doing it, and are having rewarding, successful relationships, even people who are more mono- by nature.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kadence View Post
I'm also young, and I want to have children.
People who want kids fall in love with people who don't all the time. As Mono suggested, it may be that they're open to having more. On the other hand, if you're poly- you can continue to have a relationship with this man while looking for a partner who wants to have kids with you. Don't do this if you'll immediately dump your boyfriend to go off and be mono- with this hypothetical new guy! But there are poly- guys out there who want kids.

Quote:
How do I see the other side, to see that this could be great?
Forums like this one are a good resource; people have posted some success stories here, for instance. Lots of people recommend Franklin's poly articles at http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html and there are plenty of other online resources you can find. Also, talk to poly- people in your area; go to poly- events and make friends with people who have happy poly- relationships.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-09-2010, 09:13 PM
foxflame88's Avatar
foxflame88 foxflame88 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Birmingham, AL, USA
Posts: 582
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
People who want kids fall in love with people who don't all the time. As Mono suggested, it may be that they're open to having more. On the other hand, if you're poly- you can continue to have a relationship with this man while looking for a partner who wants to have kids with you. Don't do this if you'll immediately dump your boyfriend to go off and be mono- with this hypothetical new guy! But there are poly- guys out there who want kids.

I was going to say the same thing, but it's already been said. I definately agree that you should just talk to him about your desire to have kids in the future. If he clearly does not want more kids, then you need to cut your losses now and find another partner or consider a poly path that allows you to still have a relationship with him and still find another partner that is willing to fulfill your desire for children. Good luck!
__________________
Alli
Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman. ~Woody Allen
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-10-2010, 07:31 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,130
Default

Why does everyone say "see if he is open to having other kids" when there's clearly another option: You can have kids with another man if he doesn't want to. Unless you identify as monogamous, i.e. you are only able to love one person at a time, then maybe you'll meet someone else down the road that you'll want to move in with and have kids with.

It's not wrong at all if you don't want to share your partner. But obviously, it does mean that this is not the partner for you.

One thing to note, if he's poly, he's far less likely cheat or leave you for another woman.
__________________
Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:38 AM.