Long distance love

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

RP, that pretty much sums up my take as well - it feels like such an important dimension is (or several dimensions are) missing when I can't physically be with someone.

I really struggle with the "online only"-type thing. Heck, even the "online mostly" thing.... so I have pretty much given up trying.

*meh* I don't have to try. I am fortunate to have everything I could possibly need right here I am very blessed...

good to see you back Ceil *hugs*

[CielDuMatin]

Originally Posted by redpepper

*meh* I don't have to try. I am fortunate to have everything I could possibly need right here I am very blessed...

Well, I can't say that I am actively seeking, either, for the same reason - I was more referring to in general.

Originally Posted by redpepper

good to see you back Ceil *hugs*

It's good to be back for a while, at least

*hugs*

[FormerUnicorn]

I dated a guy who lived on another continent from me for two and a half years. We talked on the phone once a week or so, and I would fly to see him for two weeks every two months or so. It worked well for us at the time.

I've had some 18 month+ online only LDRs that have been absolutely and completely worth it for me, people it was impractical to meet... and who agreed that we would not be able to mesh in person, or for the long haul. Yet we connected in a way that we decided to honor to the best of our abilities. Some of those experiences touched me in such personal ways that I suspect a physical relationship would have eclipsed. In my book these sorts of things are not a substitute for a flesh and blood connection... it's something completely different that has no less capacity for sweetness and depth of feeling.

I'm currently talking to a woman from another country who I desperately wish was local... but she's not. I wish I could play a bigger part in her life, but the bottom line is that I just can't. But I still treasure what I can share with her. Just hearing from her, or letting her know I'm thinking of her... those little messages back and forth can make my whole day sunny again, can make me smile for hours. Do I wish I could be present? Absolutely. Does that mean I want to give up what I have now? No.

Again, I simply hope to honor that connection the best way I know how.

[polyt]

So I posted on here a long time ago about a couple I sort of began to see. Since then, I dumped my boyfriend. Became the official girlfriend of this couple. And flew out to see them a week ago. We had an amazing time and we are all so incredibly happy. The terrible part is that they live so far away. It's really hard for us to deal with. I'm going to try to visit again as soon as I can but it's rather difficult. How do we deal with this?

[Seeker90]

Try your very best to keep lines of communication open between all of you. They way there is some degree of normality. If you are comfortable texting, calling, emailing, facebook, or possibly skyping use those means to stay in touch.

I was/am in a lost distance thing from across the country. I live near Chicago and they live near San Francisco so media communication is how we talk. Skype works wonders when you have that desire to talk and see each other, but be careful not to just be sitting there waiting for them to sit down at a computer. That'll lead you to miss/waste your day and lead to resentment should plans change.

Just try your best to talk when possible, but also understand that things can and may come up that prevent constant flow for long periods of time. Also make sure to stay honest and deal with any issues or feelings when they first arise so that things don't stew and blow up down the line.

I hope that this helps you out. If you want further info or anything check my post on this forum "Help Need/First Loves/Advice Welcome" as I'm dealing with alot of the same problems/issues/worries you probably are.

[polyt]

Well thanks for the advice. We skype almost every night. It's just hard because I can't move there yet. I have severe depression issues and they hit hard when I got home from visiting them. I love seeing and talking to them over video chat, but it's not the same as being there and holding them and everything. I guess it's really hard because I JUST left but gahh D:

[BlackUnicorn]

Originally Posted by Seeker90

Skype works wonders when you have that desire to talk and see each other, but be careful not to just be sitting there waiting for them to sit down at a computer. That'll lead you to miss/waste your day and lead to resentment should plans change.

Sage advice there. Skype lurking isn't really a great way to spend your time. I am trying to work a schedule right now to prevent that.

Originally Posted by Seeker90

Just try your best to talk when possible, but also understand that things can and may come up that prevent constant flow for long periods of time. Also make sure to stay honest and deal with any issues or feelings when they first arise so that things don't stew and blow up down the line.

Hear hear! With long-distance, if they don't text/call/write/whatever for an x amount of time, n number of possible reasons crop up in your head as to why's that. From 'OMG they are dead lying in a ditch somewhere' to 'They've found somebody else and don't want me anymore'. If you have a lot of issues with insecurity/past disappointments in relationships LDR can be toxic.

Originally Posted by polyt

It's just hard because I can't move there yet. I have severe depression issues and they hit hard when I got home from visiting them.

How are you dealing with your depression atm? How actively are you pursuing this moving there-plan and what kind of schedule do you guys have? How long have you been together, how out are etc? I just have an immediate knee-jerk reaction when somebody is newly triaded and says they are going to move to be together. That's just a whole different can of big squirming worms right there that should not be opened while still reeling with NRE IMHO.

[redpepper]

There other threads on ldr's here if you want to check them out. A tag search should bring them up. Maybe there is something useful on them

[Ariakas]

Long distance is hard and polyamory isn't easy. Combined isn't made any easier. I am not confident I could do it as a primary, let alone with a couple that are already their own primaries.

You are in quite a difficult pickle and the only thing you can do is realize the situation and learn to enjoy it. You skype every night, probably communicate often etc. You are probably ahead of the game over most ld's. Not all of them have those luxuries.

After any visit, you should now recognize the downturn. Find something in those days to occupy yourself. Hit the gym, have bike rides planned, anything to get you over that hump.

Try and setup your next visit, as soon as possible, after the previous one. This gives you something to look forward to instead of waiting around waiting for the next time you might see them.

Schedule dates. Not just regular chats, but something special. Maybe like a regular date night, on a friday or saturday and use the world of the internet to watch TV with them or something. Lots of methods for screen sharing that would bring you into their home. Being a real date might make it feel more special. Hell even just throw in a DVD you can rent at the same time etc. You get the idea haha

Long distance relationships require an inner strength and a relationship strength that isn't really matched when you have someone physically around all the time. You have to find solace in that fact, and revel in the rewards a long distance relationship will create for you. With a strong loving relationship and everything else, LD's are amazing and rewarding.

Instead of focusing on the lack of touch

I won't touch on the depression. Thats a can of worms. All of the potential ups and downs of an LD will really throw your depression in circles. I hope you can get that figured out because minus the depression can make the positives of an LD that much more bright.

[opalescent]

Originally Posted by polyt

I have severe depression issues and they hit hard when I got home from visiting them.

Be very careful of the withdrawal after you return home from a visit. I recently visited Beloved and had a very difficult week emotionally when I returned home. This has happened after every visit. I now know that after a visit, I will be profoundly down for a while.

Since depression is a concern, be especially aware of this and try to have something to look forward to when you get home, have your support system ready to go and so on.

That said, people often ask me how Beloved and I 'do it'. I always tell them that it is infinitely better than the alternative!