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  #141  
Old 07-31-2011, 07:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Cindie, it's so weird to have you talking about your bfs here instead of on your nice cozy blog!
Well, I dug up this thread to post about it because I thought I needed help with handling my LDR. But it seems the issues are not exactly about that (is it even a relationship?), and so I have devolved this thread into something more personal I guess. LOL.
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  #142  
Old 08-01-2011, 02:50 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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hey cindie,

I had a couple of questions ....you said your boyfriend reluctantly got into this lifestyle.... How long was he married to his current wife before she pushed for this new dynamic? How did you find each other....living in a city 19million why would you have to travel that far? Has he ever discussed those early conversations he had with his wife about entering this lifestyle? Does he ever read this forum or post? if so whats his user name?

I'm sorry I have no advice on LDR's form my experience out of sight out of mind.

I did date 2 girls who happened to live in your fair city....well actually date might be over stating ...went out with when I came to town....I live in the Midwest. once or twice...sometimes 3 times a month had to go to NYC ....avoid Manhattan in Aug during a garbage strike. In Chicago there are alleys for the garbage collection ....one good thing that came out of the fire.

Why not just date locally and not worry about poly stuff until you feel the need to start another relationship??? Do you prefer being in the secondary role?
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  #143  
Old 08-01-2011, 03:23 PM
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Hey dinged, read her blog, its very good.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #144  
Old 08-01-2011, 11:52 PM
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I had a couple of questions ....you said your boyfriend reluctantly got into this lifestyle.... How long was he married to his current wife before she pushed for this new dynamic?
He's been with his wife for over ten years, I'm not sure of the exact number. They've only been poly for less than a year. She didn't push him into it, though. She said she wanted it, they discussed it for about six months before he agreed to it, and after establishing boundaries, which I won't get into because they don't really affect me. Suffice it to say that he has her blessing to pursue other relationships fully, but I have sensed that he has really only agreed to this for her. As much as he likes the idea of sexual variety, he would go back to being mono in a heartbeat if that's what she wanted. I want him to make a choice either to be with me or not, though - and to really fucking be with me, he's gotta pursue me and let me know he wants me, so I'm not always trying to fish it out of him and then he says, "yeah, you're right." He seems to let women take the lead in his life, and I don't want to be one of them. Let him be his own man, it would be more attractive to me.

Oh, and we've not yet gotten to the point where I can say he's my boyfriend. We simply agreed to explore a LDR together to see where it goes.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
How did you find each other....living in a city 19million why would you have to travel that far? Has he ever discussed those early conversations he had with his wife about entering this lifestyle? Does he ever read this forum or post? if so whats his user name?
We found each other on OKCupid and enjoyed our online relationship immensely for a month and a half. Then we met and I think he got scared. I don't have to travel that far to find a guy to date, I do meet and date men locally, too. But I like him, so why not! I'm somewhat familiar with his city because I used to visit a friend there frequently in the early 90s, and he's pretty familiar with NYC from working here.

As far as his discussions with his wife, I do not pry into that. I feel it isn't my business what they talk about nor how they conduct their relationship, beyond what applies to or affects me. That doesn't mean I don't have opinions about what he tells me, though I try not to say anything that would be construed as advice or interference. Whenever he talks about his marriage, I try to just listen without offering opinions.

When we started out, I really only wanted to know if any of their rules would have an impact on me, and asked that he would let the success of our relationship be determined by the two of us, and not his relationship with his wife. In other words, I didn't want to be investing in this as a girlfriend only to be dropped like a hot potato if she got uncomfortable with me. I know that isn't a guarantee, though, because you really never know what could happen, and I have no control of it beyond my participation, but it just sort of felt good to ask for that consideration. She emailed me a few times and is very enthusiastic about his involvement with me.
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Why not just date locally and not worry about poly stuff until you feel the need to start another relationship??? Do you prefer being in the secondary role?
I don't know what you mean by "worry about poly stuff." I am in another relationship with someone I see about twice a week. He's wonderful, btw. And I actively date other guys, too. It's not every day nor even every week (I only have so much energy), but I do see other people. I am honest with all of them that I am not looking for exclusivity.

As to your "secondary" question, I don't abide by those hierarchical designations myself. To me, all the guys I am involved with (once we get beyond the casual dating stage) would be equally important to me. I don't really give a shit what title someone gives me in their life, as long as I don't feel like I'm being treated like a secondary or someone's whore. All I ever tell any potential bf who is poly and has other relationships is that I need to feel respected. There's something else I tell them but I can't remember what it is right now because I have a splitting headache at the moment.
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-02-2011 at 04:52 AM.
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  #145  
Old 08-02-2011, 06:54 AM
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It weirds me out that this thread was originally by PN's girlfriend at the time. Is there anyway we can move this convo on somewhere else as it is kinda swaying from the original theme? I would be grateful.
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  #146  
Old 08-02-2011, 08:50 AM
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Well, I really wanna get back to the topic of managing long-distance relationships. That's why I resurrected this thread. It seemed to have the most relevant info I was looking for out of the threads I found, but we took a tangent. I tried to keep it on topic, but people had questions, etc.

I do wish I had received more feedback on keeping my LDR fresh. :`(

No one really answered me:
Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I feel like I want to write him a thoughtful compassionate email, to take the pressure off and let him know that when he is ready or able to choose "us" as a relationship in his life he is willing to invest in, to let me know. I won't wait around but if it feels right, I will consider it. I don't want him to think I'm pissed off (I'm really not).

Or should I wait for us to speak on the phone? Is sending an email cowardly?

Would this be easier of it weren't long-distance? I don't know. In some ways I think it might be harder. Oh well.
The last LDR I had was back in the long-ago days of waiting for Mr. Postman to deliver letters from my far-away love. I feel like I have no clue what's appropriate now. I know I hated it when Shorty broke up with me in an email. I don't want to end it with Burnsy, just tell him what I wrote above. But is email for important messages acceptable in a modern-day LDR? Or is it still a cowardly thing to do?
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-02-2011 at 09:12 AM.
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  #147  
Old 08-02-2011, 01:56 PM
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A sincere email with a true friend is acceptable, I think. But better would probably be a phone call, I suppose -- since voices carry some of the info lost from f2f relating (though not all!). Ideally, important things should be shared face to face. As I recall, he lives not too far distant, so .... (?)

My far-away love-interest lives twelve hundred miles away. Count your lucky stars.
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  #148  
Old 08-02-2011, 02:17 PM
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Well, shoot, my boytoy just drifted away. He only lives about 45 mins away. I didnt even get a damn text or im chat to understand why he has stopped coming around. But he's only 23, so I put it down to his age, and the fact that he must think our somewhat NSa arrgt means he doesn't owe me an explanation.

And my latest guy, lives right in my city, told me during our 2nd date he "wants to see where this is going," has also apparently dumped me, without showing me the respect of a text, email, phonecall or anything! Much less a face to face meeting, which would be so easy, as he only lives goddam 10 mins away!

Sooo... I think an email or three between you and Burnsy would show plenty of respect in this day and age.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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  #149  
Old 08-02-2011, 02:29 PM
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Magdlyn,

Seems to me that you should let it be known right out the outset with guys you might like to "date" (as they call it) that you're flatly not interested in seriously authenticity and intimacy challenged folks, scaredy cats, losers and weenies. Just screen them all at the door. The weenies and creeps will run screaming while the gold star guys will stick around, happy to be the real deal.
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  #150  
Old 08-02-2011, 04:02 PM
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River, thanks for the advice. Do you really think I haven't been trying to screen? Men with hardons will say anything to get in your pants. This is a well known and admitted fact. Men themselves admit it.

I can only go by what they say and their body language. I spent hours with this latest guy. A 2 hour lunch. Several emails. We discovered many shared interests, art, travel, nature, spirituality. And certain sexual kinks, I admit, though we didn't focus on that overly much. (But it is important, of course!) He also said all the women he'd dated since his divorce 5 years ago wanted a committed one on one relationship leading to marriage, and how he was glad to find one such as me.

So! I invited him over for dinner and DVD, since he'd shown an interest in Eddie Izzard and I've got a collection. He seemed a gentle highly respectful man, a Buddhist like yourself, very disciplined.

We spent that night talking deeply and philosophically, as well as sharing humor, for 1 1/2 hours, then the 2 hour movie, with a little cuddling. Then I asked him outright: "I know it's too soon to talk about a relationship, but how do you feel about us?" He said fervently, "I am interested in seeing where this is going."

So, I kissed him. We had a makeout session. I stopped that after 20-30 mins as it was getting late (and I didnt want to go too far sexually on the 2nd date, of course.) He expressed much appreciation for me as a person and for our shared passion, told me he looked forward to our next date, and left.

Soon after that, his ex wife started giving him grief around certain child custody issues. Fine, OK. He needed time to deal with that. Then I went on vacation. I have texted him twice since I got back. No answer, not word one. And I see he's been on OKC, is the thing! He's ignoring me and looking at or talking to others.

Fucking sucks!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

There's no lying in polyamory!

I'm a 58 year old woman with 2 partners:
miss pixi, my live-in gf, 36 (together since Jan '09)
Ginger, bf, 61, married, lives nearby (together since Jan '12)
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