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  #31  
Old 06-11-2010, 12:15 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Damn, now I wish I'd quoted it for posterity. I completely agreed with you. It may have been harsh, but for once your harshness was appropriate!
I could bring it back, as the system saves previous versions of edited posts, but minus the part about how the OP deserves whatever he gets if he stays with this/these female/s.

Nobody DESERVES to be abused, but I have limited patience for people who realize they are in an abusive relationship and do not take steps to improve their relative position (to employ some roller derby terminology). There must be SOMETHING about this female that keeps the OP involved with her; perhaps the sex is phenomenal or something like that. But it seems to me that whatever benefits he gains from being in this situation are canceled out by the emotional terrorism, or at least they would be if it were me.

Having said all that, I thought about it on the ride home from work and decided that my tirade was a little pre-mature. After all, we haven't even heard the GF's side/s of the story, other than her lengthy relationship-dictatorship manifesto.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 06-11-2010 at 12:17 PM.
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  #32  
Old 06-11-2010, 02:48 PM
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That was my thought is that we haven't heard her side of this.
While I would love to haul out and replicate other posts I hesitate. I am giving her a little bit of give due to the fact that its only been one sided.
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  #33  
Old 06-11-2010, 02:58 PM
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Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
I was kind of wondering why so many people's responses seemed to assume that the relationship was worth further work. If everyone missed the fact that she was hitting the OP, that makes it somewhat easier to understand.
AGREED ! Thats why I stopped reading this thread for a day or so.

This is not some 15 year old relationship, where some type of family death, or trauma happened and a spouse lost it for one day. That type of situation has a long history to show that it is not normal for a person to behave that way.

If she is hitting him so soon, over such minor things, ...it`s ridiculous to even contemplate staying.

'Charismatic narcissist',.....Is the term I would use to describe what I hear about her. Nothing is ever her fault. Along with the link I gave previously.

but,...people return to sick cycles all the time.

The only thing that ever stops it, is the abused person getting some time and distance from the abuser.


Once they have that, they can then gain some healthy perspective, remember what the 'self-preservation' is, and then stop the cycle through their own decisions.
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  #34  
Old 06-11-2010, 04:31 PM
terramada terramada is offline
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Default Compassion and Love

Oh Sweety, I feel your pain. I really do.

Ok, here is the short of my story: I started out in a mono marriage and then my husband decided that he was poly. He gave me a terrible ultimatum (either accept his poly or get out). I stayed because I loved him, I knew anything could be done, if I just worked on myself. so I tried and I tried. eventually, like you, I met a nice man at a festival and we hit it off. I started dating him and my husband got terribly jealous. Instead of working with me on his jealousy (like I did earlier that year), he just closed off to me and stopped sleeping with me. I broke it off with my bf because I only ever wanted my husband to be happy. Not even 6 months later, my husband happily went into another relationship....that's when I realized he wasn't treating me as an equal.

I sought counselling for learning how to value myself more. (BTW, I reccomend "The Undervalued Self" by Elaine Aron)

Now, I'm not here to tell you the end of my story or what happened to me, but I think some of the elements are the same here.

Firstly, jealousy is hard to deal with. It's takes a lot of courage and humility to deal with jealousy. I can see your allure with regards to your girlfriend: with you she never had to deal with jealousy. You were like her adoring admirer and she never had to share you.

The thing is, she is not seeing all the work you have done, facing your own jealousy and your issues.

I am going to tell you something my therapist told me that was really profound and it changed my life forever: Relationships are not about who is right and who is wrong. They are about if people feel loved and cared for.


full stop.

That's it. there is no wrong or right. She can throw every professional saying in the book at you, but if you don't feel loved, cherished, or treated as an equal, her argument is worth nothing.

This is not a quarterly financial statement you are arguing over, it is YOUR HEART, YOUR SANITY, YOUR WELL-BEING.

I wish I could give you a hge hug right now. I know, because I really needed them. Go to people who make you feel loved right now.

Another piece of advice, it is a sad fact, but people who are just becomeing poly, or who are mostly mono, are not very respected in poly communities. I know from previous experience, that you are treated much differently - given more clout - if you have been actively poly for a while and it can lead to some people in the community being "poly tyrants".

The thing is, you don't stop learning, once you have been poly for 5 10 15 years...there is no magical moment that jealousy dissappears and all of a sudden you are an invincible poly superhero. Every poly person must work on every relationship. It is our duty as being rational adults, and humane people.

What your girlfriend is doing to you, is not loving, it's not compassionate, and it's not helping.

I wish you the best of luck and that you will be able to do what is right for YOU.
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  #35  
Old 06-11-2010, 05:02 PM
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I feel most problems in life are a direct result of a lack of understanding, knowledge, and/or perspective. I hope the OP still reads this thread.

Read the articles in this link:
http://www.angryharry.com/esWomenManipulateMen.htm

If you feel connected to it, read more associative links on that page as well. I want you to keep in mind that while these opinions are very educated, they aren't the conspiracy theory end all solutions. However my logic in posting the site is that maybe by knowing the "bad" in people, specifically the women who is manipulating you, you will gain some back bone as you start to understand the true world of injustice you're being subjected to.

Good luck my friend, peace & love
-gabe
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  #36  
Old 06-12-2010, 07:35 PM
SeekerOfTruth SeekerOfTruth is offline
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Once again, I want to offer everyone my most sincere thanks for offering all the advice and opinions above. It's helped me a lot in getting a clearer perspective on my situation, and I feel like every word I've read here has helped me grow to become a more mature person.

Ultimately, I know that what I want emotionally is to try and continue things with my girlfriend. I love her very much, and I know that a future with her would still be one with a lot of happiness in it. However, I recognize that there is something that needs to be changed in order for me and her to get this relationship into a good place, and I'm not quite sure what exactly that is. I know that I am fully willing to make every apologetic, loving gesture I can to her in hopes of resolving my own mistakes, but I am not willing to be the only one working to make the relationship work. As my one of my close RL friends told me, "Staying with her will likely make you happier, but leaving her is probably better for you overall."

I want to be able to say I at least came to her with some ways to fix the relationship that don't involve me making all the effort to do so. If she acknowledges and accepts them, then I am fully willing to put ever inch of my own effort into getting things fixed. If she doesn't, then I will regretfully tell her that a relationship between the two of us can't continue until she's willing to try. So my question is, what are the things I need to be asking of her in order to make sure I'm not the only one trying to fix the relationship?
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  #37  
Old 06-13-2010, 08:07 PM
SeekerOfTruth SeekerOfTruth is offline
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Thank you again everyone for all the help you've given me over this past week. I spent a long time last night talking about the situation more with my brother and best friend, and I realize that though I do want things to continue, I'm still undecided as to whether or not I should try. The only reason I'm considering continuing things is because I now have all this information at my disposal, and there's a hopeful part of me thinking I can utilize it to make things better. But I'm also fully aware that it might just be better to ultimately get out, so I have another question. If I choose to go to her and tell her I'm not interested in continuing things, how should I go about that? Should I ask that we meet in IRL, do it over the phone, over IM, and what should I say?
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  #38  
Old 06-13-2010, 08:53 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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My way of thinking, while unpopular, is still my way of thinking on this.

In my opinion breaking up with someone over the phone, IM, email, etc. is the chicken's way out (not that you are a chicken by any means). The one being broken up with may not GET IT. It is easier to ignore the facts even though they are staring them in the face in full fledged black and white letters.

If someone wants to break up with me I would much rather have them do it in person, face to face because then I can gauge how serious they are by their body language, tone of voice, etc. It's also easier to say good-bye in person, at least for me.

I've done one break up via snail mail & I still feel guilty about it even though it was 20 years ago and one over the phone. I didn't have much of a choice in either case since #1 was in jail & I couldn't mentally face the five hour drive to visit him in prison AND the break up itself. The other one was an LDR and I figured phone was still better than email or IM.

If there is any possible way you can do it in person you should. You will both probably feel better about it afterward and you can then make a clean break without the hassle of the back and forth emails about why you want to break up with her, etc.

As to what you should say....I think you already know what you want to say way down deep . As for me: "Listen, I know we've talked about this a lot but I've come to some realizations after doing some reading and research and come to the conclusion that this relationship is toxic for me. I need to go and get myself healthy before I can consider ANY relationships with anyone in the future. Good-bye and good luck."

After the conversation (or however you decide to do it) don't open any of her emails, answer any of her phone calls (or those from her b/f if she tries to go that route). If you have to you can block her email/IM and you can block phone numbers for a minimal fee with your cell or landline provider.

Good luck. I can see you will go far if you decide to stay in this lifestyle just make sure you take some time out afterwards for introspection and grieving and to get your mental state healthy again.

Last edited by Breathesgirl; 06-13-2010 at 08:55 PM. Reason: clarity
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  #39  
Old 06-13-2010, 11:09 PM
ViableAlternative ViableAlternative is offline
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Hi, SeekerOfTruth. First off, let me say that I actually just now signed up on this forum solely because of this thread. I wandered in on a link from another forum discussing your thread and predicament, and I find that I just really want to voice some support for you, if you want it.

First off, I want to address the whole situation. You ARE in an abusive relationship with a person who is manipulating you badly. But something that others haven't yet said that might help you to understand it.... This is the hardest part of it, for me; something I still hurt over from an ex-husband who was also abusive. Your girlfriend does not, probably CANnot, understand that what she is doing IS, very clearly and without question, abuse (assuming all you've said here is truth, of course). She does not feel that she has abused you. It has never been her intent to abuse you. But she has, and unless she DOES understand and acknowledge that, she cannot stop abusing you. It will continue, almost certainly, and will likely get worse slowly over time. Her point in her letter about behavior needing to be intentionally harmful to "qualify" as abuse is false. An abuser might not have that intent. She can tell you that 'til she's blue in the face, but it won't change the fact that she has manipulated you, set you up for failure, HIT you(!!), threatened you, blackmailed you emotionally....
Just because she wasn't thinking "I want to hurt Seeker by doing X, Y, and Z" doesn't change the fact that she DID hurt you. And she isn't even remorseful in her letter; she justifies and reasons away every manipulative action by saying it was okay for her to do because of her emotions. It is NOT okay. Try to separate yourself from the situation and re-read the letter in the context of someone else writing to a boyfriend, rather than from her to you. See if you can then understand the very manipulative, controlling mind behind that letter. Even though she doesn't INTEND to manipulate and control, IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT SHE IS DOING SO. Pay special attention to where she is telling you not to talk to your family or friends, and how if you DO talk to your family, she will have consequences for you. And then she tells you that she'll never tell you not to talk to your family. Another thing in the letter that irked me was that she chastised you for anonymously seeking help from anonymous folks on the web because she claimed it compromised her security somehow, but thought it fine of her to share the situation with other folks directly in her social network who might know you. And then she offered you HER FRIENDS to talk to, INSTEAD of your own; not in addition, but instead. I could go on, but I won't; I have other points to make still.

Next, I want to address your question about what needs to happen if the relationship is to continue. *Short and simple:
-She needs to stop manipulating you and controlling you through abuse.
-You need to define your own boundaries, and define what rules are acceptable in your relationship(s). I, personally, won't allow someone to dictate who I can and cannot date.
-She needs to define her boundaries. If any of them violate your boundaries (e.g., for me, if I were not permitted to choose who to date and when), then STOP, and go your separate ways. DO NOT let anyone violate your boundaries.
-You both should probably seek counselling, together AND separately, with councellor(s) not affiliated with either of your social networks (for example, don't take counselling from her friends or mentors; seek someone NOT attached to your situation).

Lastly, I want to address your most recent post. It's interesting to me that you used the term "get out" instead of "leave" or "break up".... This just feels like you're realizing your relationship is something to be escaped rather than ended. That's scary, huh? Or I'm putting too much into semantics, and my apologies, if so.

About HOW to end it, if that's what you choose.... Do it in a manner that will allow you to feel and be safe. If you will feel and be safe doing it in person, then that's most respectful. Just DON'T put yourself at risk of further abuse, physical or otherwise. Do it fast, like pulling off a band-aid.

Were it me, I'd reference her letter and state that if she honestly feels and believes that her behavior and letter have not been abusive, then there is no point in continuing the relationship, despite the love involved. Love alone is not enough to make a healthy relationship; both parties deserve respect and humane treatment, and these are absent.

As someone above said, I would cease all contact with her, though it'd hurt horribly. I feel it'd be necessary despite the pain of absence.

If you do end it, seek the counsel of the people close to you. Let them help you through this painful time. Get out; do stuff. And sort out your own feelings and experiences. Love yourself; you deserve it.

Last edited by ViableAlternative; 06-13-2010 at 11:17 PM.
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  #40  
Old 06-14-2010, 03:52 AM
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seeker, in my opinion, she seems to easily manipulate you. I think, for your own safety, I would tell her that you don't want to see her again and that you feel that she can easily manipulate you and that is why you are doing it over the phone. I would call, to make it somewhat personable.

You might get some flack over this, but in the end it might just be safer for you.
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