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  #11  
Old 09-24-2012, 10:24 PM
Fiona Fiona is offline
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Hope it goes well for you! I don't subscribe to the idea of hierarchies, myself. It's not necessarily the done thing.
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  #12  
Old 09-24-2012, 10:25 PM
TheBF TheBF is offline
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Ok the BF has arrived. After "loveiswhatIgot" turned me on to this forum, I just wanted to come and say myself thank you all for all this good information. After reading everyones opinions and views I feel like we have some great advice for proceeding forward. Just so we're clear, there has been no "playing the two" girls against each other. I loathe this conflict and as good as it may sound to have girls fighting over you, trust me, this has been exhausting. You think problems with one girl is bad, try TWO! Not fun. I want nothing more than to come to a peaceful middle ground and be happy with these two amazing women Im so fortunate to know. I know theres a way for this to work, I know we can be happy together. Once again thank you all so much for your words in this confusing time, many thanks! Lastly, are there any books or other literature anyone would recommend off hand? Always looking for more ways to educate myself...
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  #13  
Old 09-24-2012, 10:42 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Yay! I'm glad you realize that we could only speculate without you here to give your side of the situation.

This is a thread with some popular topics on the forum:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1830

And this is a thread with some book recommendations:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1096

Have a great week!
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  #14  
Old 09-24-2012, 11:42 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I'm a big fan of http://www.morethantwo.com/, as anyone who reads here for long probably knows by now.
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  #15  
Old 09-26-2012, 02:57 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
You guys all agreed to polyship without defining the shape. You all assumed it would be whatever.
I did NOT get that from what the OP wrote at all. The "shape" they agreed to is non-hierarchical, egalitarian polyamory, with no primary/secondary designations -- that is not "whatever," by any means. Now the other gf wants to change that.

She can call the BF her primary without having to demand that he consider her his primary.

- - -

Glad to hear from the BF as well. "TheBF," you may have to step up and do something uncomfortable, which is to state with certainty to your other GF that you will not tolerate her attempting to dictate how your relationship with LIWIG should go. It isn't her place to run your relationship with LIWIG, and neither is it LIWIG's place to tell you how to manage your other GF. My suspicion is that the other GF wants to get you to stop being in touch with LIWIG so that she can spend that time trying to convince that she is "all you need" - essentially to dump LIWIG (the term for that is "cowgirl").

All each of you can do is state your own personal boundaries. Then it is up to the other person whether they can honor them, and if they cannot, then buh-bye! Each pair should manage their respective relationships themselves and keep their noses out of the others' business. You're in a Vee, not a Triad, so it may be that communal decision-making just won't work.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-26-2012 at 03:13 AM.
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  #16  
Old 09-26-2012, 06:16 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I didn't get that they all agreed to a non-hierarchical, egalitarian polyamory, with no primary/secondary designations in the original post.

I just heard that they agreed to "a 3 people polyship as a V."

When I use "whatever" I meant that it is ... something different to each? Whatever that is for that person? Cuz they all assumed different things. Nobody seems to have checked to be sure all were on the same page at the start.
  • The OP thought it was a co-primary thing. No hierarchy.
  • But the GF thought that it was a hierarchical thing. (Stemming from her belief that poly can ONLY be done that way.)
  • I'm not sure what BF thought.

So they live that way a bit and discover they are in conflict now from each one having assumed it was just whatever each one thought it was. But not all think it is the SAME thing. Enter confusion and conflict.

So now they have to sort themselves out.

OP later explains that yeah, they jumped into it without mapping it out better with everyone's expectations laid out. *shrug* It happens.

Hopefully you guy are all talking things out now and coming to some kind of happy medium -- welcome TheBF!

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-26-2012 at 06:32 PM.
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