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  #1  
Old 09-24-2012, 05:20 PM
loveiswhatIgot loveiswhatIgot is offline
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Default Newbie who needs HELP :/

Okay, so me and my bf were together for two years. We broke up but still were very much in love, he started dating another woman (who has been in a poly relationship before). He was really confused because he loved us both, it was my decision to try a poly relationship. Not necessarily a triad more like a vee. We all agreed. Now, she's DEMANDING that she needs to be the primary and I the secondary. Our bf doesn't agree and neither do I. She says it WONT WORK if there isn't a primary and secondary. I feel like if we all love each other than there is no need for labels like that, she STRONGLY disagrees. I also feel like if anyone were to be the primary it should be me. I've known him for 13 years, since we were kids and I was with him MUCH longer than she was, but I don't want anyone to be superior to the other. Does anyone have any advice on how this could be handled. I'm almost to the point of just walking away. Please HELP!

Last edited by loveiswhatIgot; 09-24-2012 at 06:44 PM.
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  #2  
Old 09-24-2012, 06:00 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Now she DEMANDING that she needs to be the primary and I the secondary. Our bf doesn't agree and neither do I.
Sounds like it's NOT UP TO HER.

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She says it WONT WORK if there isn't a primary and secondary.
Sounds like it WON'T WORK FOR HER.

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Does anyone have an advice on how this could be handled. I'm almost to the point of just walking away.
Sounds like she has a choice to make.
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  #3  
Old 09-24-2012, 06:28 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Ditto. Plenty of people do non-hierarchical poly. One way to handle it woulda be to have all three of you write out your ideal visions for what your relationships would look like now and down the road, see if there is any way those visions can agree. But really, her demand sounds immature. Why isn't bf just putting his foot down and saying no?
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  #4  
Old 09-24-2012, 06:35 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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You guys all agreed to polyship without defining the shape. You all assumed it would be whatever. Now you come to find there are probs from having assumed.

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Now she DEMANDING that she needs to be the primary and I the secondary.
She is allowed to state her needs to the polyship. (Though being all demand-y and GRR is not flattering. What is that speaking to? Jealous? Insecure?)

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Our bf doesn't agree and neither do I.
Two people in the polyship have a HARD LIMIT in response to the NEED raised by the first person. That no, this is NOT a need of hers that will be possible to grant. You guys want your polyship shape to be co-primary "V" shape.

Quote:
She says it WONT WORK if there isn't a primary and secondary.
She is correct. If she is stating a NEED of hers that she needs fulfilled in order to be happy in this polyship? She will not be happy in this co-primary shape and it will not work out for her to stay in a place where she is unhappy and unfulfilled.

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Does anyone have an advice on how this could be handled. I'm almost to the point of just walking away. Please HELP!
If you guys have a HARD LIMIT there on being able to provide this, it is now on her to determine is this is something she can live without or not.

Only she can answer this for herself:

Is this need a hard limit? (If so, why agree to the polyship at the start?)

Is this need a soft limit?

Is this need actually a want?

What's that all speaking to?

Basically you and BF can tell her you are sorry she feels that way.

You are willing to embrace her in a co-primary V model where there is no hierarchy thing. You are not willing to be in a hierarchy shape polyship. This is your Hard Limit. If this is about something you CAN help with -- like support working through jealous/insecure/whatever it is, you can try.

He is willing to embrace her in a co-primary V model where there is no hierarchy thing. He is not willing to be in a hierarchy shape polyship. This is his Hard Limit. (Is it?) If this is about something he CAN help with -- like support working through jealous/insecure/whatever it is, he can try.

But you need the final word from her -- IS THIS A HARD LIMIT FOR YOU? The need to be primary?

She has to decide what she wants for her best happiness. You will respect her wishes. Please let you / him know what she has decided. If she comes to find that YES it is a hard limit?

You all have to break up this polyship. Then everyone can move on to a healing space and be free to hopefully find their future happiness.

That's about it. When you want different polyship shapes and the people have hard limits on that shape then the only ethical thing is to break up. Because you just do not match up on that and there is nothing else to be done.

How it reduces I do not know.

(Her + Him ) and then you how it was before you came back? Or everyone singles.

My advice for next time in polyship? Do not agree to fly together in polyship until you all agree what kind of open relationship model you are all agreeing to be in.

Hang in there!

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-24-2012 at 08:34 PM.
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  #5  
Old 09-24-2012, 07:17 PM
loveiswhatIgot loveiswhatIgot is offline
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THANK YOU all so much! I really appreciate you guys input. I will agree that we shouldn't have jumped into this without looking at everyone's expectations of how this was going to work out. I guess I felt since me and him were on board that the other woman felt the same way. Me and her are trying to communicate the best we can. I love the idea of all sitting down and writing or discussing what we expect from this relationship both now and in the future. Something like that could really clear up a lot of miscommunication. I'm very open to trying anything to make this work because I know that he loves her very much and I want him as happy as possible.

Setting labels is a hard limit for me only because I personally don't believe in it. She stated that it doesn't mean one is more loved than the other and "thats just how its done." If it wasn't such a big deal than why is she pushing so hard to be primary?

I'm sure she has insecurities just as I do and any other person does, but I dont feel like she is working with me here to make this as harmonious as possible. She wants me and him to quit communicating for awhile so they can strengthen their relationship which i find RIDICULOUS.
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  #6  
Old 09-24-2012, 07:31 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
I love the idea of all sitting down and writing or discussing what we expect from this relationship both now and in the future. Something like that could really clear up a lot of miscommunication.
Stuff to read -- enjoy!

http://www.morethantwo.com
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html

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I'm very open to trying anything to make this work because I know that he loves her very much and I want him as happy as possible.
Caution on those words.

You cannot MAKE this work. You can only meet reasonable expectations of you or not in polyship. Hold up your responsibilities and your end of the deal. You can give 100% on your end and if the other polypeeps shirk holding up theirs, the polyship will not fly straight or fly at all.

Also don't loose sight of YOUR OWN well being. It is nice you want him to feel happy, but you don't control his happy meter. You can only control how you behave. Do not lose sight of your OWN reasonable needs being reasonably met.

Quote:
Setting labels is a hard limit for me only because I personally don't believe in it. She stated that it doesn't mean one is more loved than the other and "thats just how its done." If it wasn't such a big deal than why is she pushing so hard to be primary?
That is only ONE way how it is done. There are as many ways to "do" poly as there are poly people.

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I'm sure she has insecurities just as I do and any other person does, but I dont feel like she is working with me here to make this as harmonious as possible. She wants me and him to quit communicating for awhile so they can strengthen their relationship which i find RIDICULOUS.
Working with you how? What is your metamour relationship to her? Isn't he the hinge person? Do you do his communicating to her for him? Are you playing in bounds or out of bounds in your role in this polyship? (Trying to get the sense of what you have there.)

Him and you to quit communicating totally? What does that mean? Totally shut down your relationship with him? That is unreasonable.

Ask for a time out from the usual dating calendar for 1-2 weeks to sort themselves out on a big problem they have? That's another thing. You'd want the same in return from her right, if you and him had a THING and needed extra time to sort thru? Before returning to the normal dating calendar again.

Or for HIM to stop telling HER what (he and you) talk about? Is that what she means? That's a reasonable request of hers if he's pushing for "all togetherness land" in this "V" and she prefers to be in "separate but equal" land. Where you and she are polite metamours who have a Shared Honey but that's about it. No desire for more than that.

Is he oversharing on his part? Is that driving this need to be "primary" because hearing TMI is making her feel wiggy?

You and him broke up. Her position is the "current gf welcomed the ex-gf into polyship" -- just how welcome was it? Is he playing you off each other?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-24-2012 at 09:48 PM.
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  #7  
Old 09-24-2012, 07:38 PM
loveiswhatIgot loveiswhatIgot is offline
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Well, she asked him to quit communicating to me all together, no texting, no seeing each other, so that they can get their relationship on solid ground, because she feels its not stable enough to handle this poly relationship.

He makes me very happy. I feel that where my unhappiness comes from is from her demand to be primary. He doesnt necessarily want that and he feels stuck between us both. Trying to satisfy both needs without having to break up.

She has alot of poly friends which she says are older and more experienced and they tell the BF that primary/secondary is how its done, thats how it all works. I feel as almost a way to convince him that is the way it HAS to be done ALL the time. Sure I bet it works for the majority but im also sure there are people who dont necessarily do that. It all caters to the people in the relationship and what we all want. I just feel stuck. Like if i want to be wit the man I love i should back down and say okay be primary while not believing in it.
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  #8  
Old 09-24-2012, 08:06 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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"If only the other people were here to give their sides of the story".

Looking ONLY at what the OP has answered in response to other people's questions, and her choice of words, this is starting to sound like a case of a guy who is enjoying having two women fighting over him.

How do you know he isn't going to her and saying "Yes I want you to be primary but LoveIsWhatIGot doesn't want to do it that way. She says IT WON'T WORK FOR HER unless SHE is the primary."

You three need to all get together in the same room and talk about this.
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  #9  
Old 09-24-2012, 08:18 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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If "we have to do it this way because this is how it's done" was how you all were planning on living your lives, you wouldn't be doing poly at all. :P

Seriously, just do some internet searching, you'll find lots of counter-examples of poly done without labels and hierarchy.
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The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #10  
Old 09-24-2012, 08:23 PM
loveiswhatIgot loveiswhatIgot is offline
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ahhh, my eyes have been opened!

I completely agree with what you have both just say, I'm almost in awe at how just an outside perspective can clear up alot of mistrust, or miscommunication. I do believe now the only thing to do is get together and get our needs out on the table and if it isnt something that is going to work for me than I do need to stand up for myself and say, this is what I need to be happy and break up.

Oversharing, I can see now that may be the problem here as well as the whole he said she said aspect of it all. I DONT know that he isnt going and saying I'M the one giving the demands.

He also isnt standing up for what he want as well, by telling her I dont want a hiearchy, which in turn, yes, makes it seem as if he is enjoying the thrill of the two women fighting over him.

Thank you so much for everything!!!!
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