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  #31  
Old 09-29-2012, 10:06 AM
Invi Invi is offline
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Because renting a vehicle and/or a trailer here is out of the question financially. It costs much more.
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  #32  
Old 09-30-2012, 09:51 AM
thinker thinker is offline
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Originally Posted by Invi View Post
Because renting a vehicle and/or a trailer here is out of the question financially. It costs much more.
ok sounds fine then, hows your current situation btw?
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  #33  
Old 09-30-2012, 10:00 AM
Invi Invi is offline
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Not good.
He thinks my dislike of non-monogamy is a petty reason to leave and take our son with me.
He has said things obviously designed to make me feel guilty and hurt.
He wants me to stay and be more introspective.

In regards to me asking him to close the relationship for a while before, he said he'd consider it if he thought the situation warranted it.
Well gee, I would think this would qualify, but hey, what do I know?

There is a lot more too it than that. right now I'm just ticked off and would rather be asleep, but instead I'm up writing him an email because it is hard enough for me to communicate when I am upset or angry, but tons more when someone is purposefully pushing my buttons.
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  #34  
Old 09-30-2012, 10:22 AM
thinker thinker is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Invi View Post
Not good.
He thinks my dislike of non-monogamy is a petty reason to leave and take our son with me.
He has said things obviously designed to make me feel guilty and hurt.
He wants me to stay and be more introspective.
If he say something manipulative then it is a red-flag sign, that is even worse than you doing all the housework, caring the child and as well as controlling all the finances. Did he know that you don't have any friends? did he even consider your feelings on his non-monogamous lifestyle? no, no, no. All red flags there

Quote:
Originally Posted by Invi View Post
In regards to me asking him to close the relationship for a while before, he said he'd consider it if he thought the situation warranted it.
Well gee, I would think this would qualify, but hey, what do I know?

There is a lot more too it than that. right now I'm just ticked off and would rather be asleep, but instead I'm up writing him an email because it is hard enough for me to communicate when I am upset or angry, but tons more when someone is purposefully pushing my buttons.
Well it seems that he is selfish enough to say that. Btw did you still lived with him or somewhere else since you just wrote an e-mail to him, and also did anyone tried to push you to your limits?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Invi View Post
We live about 1300 miles away from my friends and family (he doesn't have any here, either). I don't really go out. I don't have the money, nor the transportation. Also, all the mom groups seem to be "full."
I've never been good at meeting people and making friends, so that doesn't help either. I'm not sure I'd make many friends in a mom group, anyway.

I do what I can to keep myself in a good mood given limited resources, but for a while there it felt all doom and gloom.
p.s about your personality..... after you left him you really need to change yourself. When i was an young adult (20-ish) i don't really go out, I've never been good at meeting people and friends. Then suddenly when i start losing friends (because i don't talked much at all) since then i started to "forced" myself to make friends everywhere. Within 6 months i managed to make more friends than i ever did for the past 4 years and then what happens? I know and dated one of my female friends whom i know during those 6 months* and we married in the end. Invi from what i have seen is that you really need to get out of your so called- comfort zone and make out with people so they can help and support you if you had any problems in the future, you need to faceup for yourself if you've been in a abusive relationship with your soon to be ex.

Good luck Invi and may you live in a live happily ever after with your child

Optional Question (you don't have to answer it):

How did you know your bf in the first place?

And why did you and bf move to a place where your friends and relatives lives far far away?
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  #35  
Old 09-30-2012, 10:28 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Invi View Post
Not good.
He thinks my dislike of non-monogamy is a petty reason to leave and take our son with me.
I would agree if that's what this is about. You're not telling him he shouldn't live this life. You're telling him it's not working for YOU. You need to make him understand that. That right now, what you need is a stable relationship where you're not the only one taking care of this kid. You're not getting that, because he's NOT working with you. He's telling you you need to be a certain way. You JUST had a kid. Come on!
Quote:
He has said things obviously designed to make me feel guilty and hurt.
That may be true, but you need to let that go. Dwelling on what someone said when they were angry isn't going to get you anywhere. If you want this relationship to survive, move past his stupid choice in words and get him to understand that you NEED his support right now. I can't tell you how hard it was for my wife and I to communicate until I stopped dwelling on the stupid crap we said to each other in our fights. I've forgotten that. Thank you for reminding me.
Quote:
He wants me to stay and be more introspective.
You have. You told him this isn't for you. Tell him you want him to be more extrospective. He isn't paying attention to your needs.
Quote:
In regards to me asking him to close the relationship for a while before, he said he'd consider it if he thought the situation warranted it.
Well gee, I would think this would qualify, but hey, what do I know?
Tell him exactly that, but with less snark. I'll try to help. "(bf's name), earlier you told me that you would be willing to consider closing our relationship if the situation calls for it. I feel a little hurt by that statement for the following reasons. First, to me, our son is the most important person in our lives. If there were chance of losing him, I would do whatever necessary to ensure that didn't happen. If I were asked to close our relationship, there would be no greater situation in which this action was warranted. So when you tell me that you're only going to consider it if the situation warrants, I need to know what that situation is, because if losing your son isn't enough, what is?" You're putting him in your shoes by saying this. Communication is about showing how the other person makes you feel, not by accusing them. Use statements like "I feel hurt because of this" not "you hurt me because of this." It'll go a long way to recovering the relationship.
Quote:
There is a lot more too it than that. right now I'm just ticked off and would rather be asleep, but instead I'm up writing him an email because it is hard enough for me to communicate when I am upset or angry, but tons more when someone is purposefully pushing my buttons.
Writing/talking while angry and tired isn't going to get you anywhere. Go back to bed, talk to him in the morning when you're calmed down and rested.

Also, seek out counseling. It's cheaper than any of the previous suggestions and if your family is willing to help you move back home they should hopefully be willing to help you find a counselor/pay for that if money is tight. There are poly-friendly counselors. Seek them out. They'll help you determine if your mono-poly relationship can work.

Do yourself a favor here. Once you leave there's no going back and that custody battle is going to suck. Try to repair this before you get out.
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"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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  #36  
Old 09-30-2012, 10:58 AM
Invi Invi is offline
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I met him on OkCupid.

We dated for a bit over a year where I am originally from before his roommate decided not to renew their lease and he ended up leaving the state. That's just how he is. Wants new experiences; people, places, things.

After a month of being out here, he invited me to move out to be with him.
We do live together, he is just asleep. Communicating by text is much easier for me, particularly when upset.


KyleKat, he's dwelling on the opportunities I have had to leave in the past that I did not take, prior to pregnancy, and how this could have been avoided. I don't know where to go with that because I do not dwell on the past. I have never regretted a single thing I have done, but I am starting to question myself on this.

I can't just forget his words. Especially not when he repeats them, and is asking if it's going in one ear and out the other because I refuse to respond to him trying to provoke me, or can't answer the "why" of something.
I can count the number of times I have ever raised my voice to someone on my fingers, and tonight has added to it.

On being introspective, it's not enough. Apparently because I do not know the root cause of why I feel jealous, threatened, and insecure, it is not good enough. It doesn't matter that it may very well not change a thing, and he knows it may not, but I just need to know, just because.

I can tell him why his refusal to use protection during oral bothers me, that it is a threat to my health, and he says something about how I get cold sores and he doesn't use it with me, and that it's not like he's out screwing a bunch of dirty girls.
Yes, because only "dirty girls" have STIs, apparently. My concern for my health based on his sex life is invalid.

When talking about what happens if he falls for someone else down the road, I can tell him I do not want to split time with someone else, I do not want someone else living with us, and I do not want another relationship taking away from him spending time with me or our son. He doesn't seem to care that I do not want these things, he wants to know why. Time is not an infinite resource. Doesn't matter, though, that is apparently not important.


I use almost exclusively "I" statements, but it seems this only comes across as selfish to him.

I'd rather be asleep not because I am tired, but because I just dislike being angry. He kept me up all day talking to him about this after I only got one hour of sleep last night. I went to bed as soon as he did, and only started working on this email a half hour or so after I woke up. It was only a few hours, but now I am rather awake.
He has to work in the morning, so who knows when we'll actually talk.
I get the feeling I can expect him to start being spiteful again, and schedule some dates for this next week, probably consecutively.
I don't know how we're supposed to talk when not wound up. He's hurt and angry, I'm hurt and he's doing a fine job of making me angry, insinuating that I just don't care about him or what is best for our son.
Because obviously I should just stay here and work on it, regardless of how unhappy it has been making me, regardless of being down enough a couple weeks ago that I went so far as to hurt myself, and regardless of how much of this unhappiness our boy will be exposed to.

We can't afford counseling, and my mother was looking at getting a loan to get me out of here.

I really don't think he'd fight me for custody. He just really, really does not want me to leave with him.

I'm sorry if this is all rant-y. I'm in a foul mood, and I don't mean to take it out on people who are just trying to help.
I suppose since he won't have time to read it in the morning anyway, I'll save my email as a draft after I finish writing it and review it in the morning.

I want to repair it. I want us to be on good terms, together or not, but I'm not sure that's possible when I would be taking our son to another state. I've never had a bad breakup. This is one hell of a time to start.
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  #37  
Old 09-30-2012, 11:17 AM
Invi Invi is offline
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KyleKat, could I possibly PM you what I have in my email for you to go over?

I'm upset, so I'm a little numb as to things in my writing that may come off as aggressive and simply make matters worse, and on top of that, I have a tendency to be super blunt when I'm not upset, and manage to upset people without intending to do so.
I think an outside perspective on it might be a great help, if you're willing.

edit:
Actually, I'm going to go to bed, so I'll just send it anyway, and if you'd rather not, feel free to delete it. I am finding I have no interest in being awake when he gets up in a couple hours.

Last edited by Invi; 09-30-2012 at 11:23 AM.
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  #38  
Old 09-30-2012, 02:18 PM
thinker thinker is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Invi View Post
I met him on OkCupid.

We dated for a bit over a year where I am originally from before his roommate decided not to renew their lease and he ended up leaving the state. That's just how he is. Wants new experiences; people, places, things.

After a month of being out here, he invited me to move out to be with him.
We do live together, he is just asleep. Communicating by text is much easier for me, particularly when upset.

I'm sorry if this is all rant-y. I'm in a foul mood, and I don't mean to take it out on people who are just trying to help.
I suppose since he won't have time to read it in the morning anyway, I'll save my email as a draft after I finish writing it and review it in the morning.

I want to repair it. I want us to be on good terms, together or not, but I'm not sure that's possible when I would be taking our son to another state. I've never had a bad breakup. This is one hell of a time to start.
This is quite shocking of how abusive your bf is currently right now. I guess all you had to do now is to try to get out as soon as possible and get enough rest to organize all the things. Your child should deserve a better future than this abusive relationship.

Well this is no turning back for your relationship, you know his true colours and you know he is ignoring your pleas. You may had a bad breakup but most importantly think of yourself and your child, don't worry about the sadness from the breakup. You will turned out to be a better person and had a better future in the end.
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  #39  
Old 09-30-2012, 06:07 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
being down enough a couple weeks ago that I went so far as to hurt myself
GET OUT AND GET HELP.

He is not good for you. He is not respecting you. Once you're out and he calms down, then you can offer to resume talks. Perhaps he will be more willing to listen after you've left, perhaps not. But at least you'll be in a safer place (mentally and physically) to try. You're not going to get anywhere from where you are right now, he's proven that over and over.
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  #40  
Old 09-30-2012, 07:29 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I'm upset, so I'm a little numb as to things in my writing that may come off as aggressive and simply make matters worse, and on top of that, I have a tendency to be super blunt when I'm not upset, and manage to upset people without intending to do so.
I think an outside perspective on it might be a great help, if you're willing.
I know you are upset. *hug* But stop explaining your position to him. You have done it several times. You just keep getting the same result. No need to test it any more. You know what you will get there. He will NOT listen, he does all kinds of things to avoid the bottom line. That you need him to change HIS behavior toward you so that you can feel emotionally safe and secure in this relationship. And he just does not want to do that.

He will play you any song and dance to twist it up so it is YOU who is "selfish" for having needs that have to be met.

That is several twisty techniques I see him doing to you that you listed in your posts and keep on describing -- Sections 1, 2, 6, 7. Power games, mind games, depriving you of sleep, it just goes on and on. A one time thing and prompt apology AND correction of behaviour --- that's normal. Anyone can have a bad day! Nice people come to their sense and know they crossed a line. But is this consistent crossing lines type behavior over your writings that you are listing. He does now own it. Overall? He treat you very bad. This is abuse.

You are leaving him. Watch out if he branches into "separation abuse" tactics next -- sections 8, 10, and and scariest 14 & 16! I don't want to sound like the portent of doom or something -- but this situation is really ugh and creepy sounding. I really worry for you. You are a young mother and you need to protect yourself and baby -- baby needs you whole and healthy. YOU need you whole and healthy.

Do not bother to engage. Keep yourself safe as best you can -- physically safe, mentally safe, emotionally safe, spiritually safe. Do not open yourself up to more dings from this person -- not more than you can help anyway, in your situation. You get into discussions with him? He just dings your mental health and emotional health and your stress ZOOMS way up. Hang in there til Mom comes to rescue you.

*hug*

It is NOT you even if he says it is. We hear your message just fine -- a bunch of internet strangers! That you need more consideration and loving behavior ACTIONS. He will not give it and blocks you any time you try to explain your wants and needs and limits.

I really dislike that he belittles your very REASONABLE needs and tries to provoke you on purpose. This is not loving behavior. Remember you have dignity, worth, and value. Even if he's poorly treating you. I will keep hoping you and baby get to a better space when your mom comes and that she comes VERY SOON!

You deserve way more and way better.

hugs,
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-01-2012 at 05:18 AM.
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