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Old 10-31-2012, 06:39 AM
Witch Witch is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 19
Default I'm new here, Sorry this is such a long post but any advice would be great!

I really wasn't sure for what the title should be. ^^ Just to make things a little easier, I'd like to first say that I'm in a very happy (semi) mono relationship with my husband.

I introduced the idea of polyamory to my husband before we even began dating. He was actually in a relationship at the time, and I admitted to him that I was falling for him. He had fallen for me too(and this was only fueled by the fact that his current relationship was in the pits.. yes I hopped on the advantage. I know ..horrible me.. but we're happy now and she had cheated on him, apparently, way before I was even in the picture.) So it just went up from there. Now three years later I'm still telling him that I'm polyamorous.(We've actually been discussing us dating other people, but only women, for a 2 years now) He got very interested when I asked if I could date women. I've only expressed interest in women because at the time I was really only interested in females at the time. But before he got the wrong idea of us both trying to find a HBB, I told him that realistically that might not even work. What if I'm interested in a lesbian? Or she's bi but you're not her type. What if YOU(my husband) find a girl who is straight, or I'm not her type. He was very surprised that I was so willing to let him date other women, even if there was a possibility that I'd get not chance at the same woman and even though I've shown jealousy when girls flirt with him. .. I promise not overbearing jealousy, its just we weren't open, so the poly-communication wasn't there. I can let myself be mono-minded I guess if thats what he wants. My biggest thing is respect for the other, if he feels uncomfortable with something, I'll feel uncomfortable with something. ANYWAYS.. my issue is.. I'd like to be .. myself I guess. I believe I'm one of those who are born to be poly, even if I can get my mindset at mono. The fact that we're open to date other women, really makes me yearn to be able to date men too. He's subtly hinted that he definitely does not feel comfortable with me dating men. I understand a little where he's coming from, but being bi-sexual(i guess more pan sexual) myself, its hard for me to feel like its fair. (if you haven't guessed it he's straight)

I don't want to disrespect him, so as long as he feels uncomfortable with me dating other men, I certainly won't. Cheating in any form is a big no no in my book. You think there is anyway to try and slowly bring this out to him. I mean I ultimately know I'm going to have to talk to him about it, but I feel like first he should at least experience what it feels like to be poly, then maybe I can be like ..."Hey... since this isn't so complicated as it seems, as long as we're honest. Maybe it's okay for me to date both men and women..."

Now on my husband's defense, he;s no longer hoping for a HBB for the both of us, lol, like he wanted in the beginning. His biggest issue was not me dating other women, but HIM dating other women. He didn't quite grasp the fact that I was honestly and truly okay with this, as long as we use our best communication skills, and are honest. I've even told him I'm perfectly fine with one night stands.(sorry if that doesn't settle right with you guys ^^; not really sure how some people feel about one night stands) Just as long I'm told before hand, or at the very least the next day AND he MUST USE PROTECTION AT ALL COSTS. If he wants just a sexual relationship not emotional(and vice versa) I'm okay with that. Just as long as he tells me. (btw I'm totally against a DADT, thats just me though). He didn't quite get this until about a month ago when he finally started flirting around with other women. He was so surprised when I didn't act jealous when he told me about them, and even more so when I got excited when he would tell me about them. I constantly get the "Are you sure you're okay with this?" lol And no he's not testing me, its genuine surprise.

But now I'm in a pickle, cause I'm very interested in a guy (as well as a lesbian). I've not done any flirting or even a good amount of talking, outside of when we were just hanging out cause our group of friends happened to be at the same place. I won't cross that line, I love and respect my husband too much to play games with him and go outside our rules. But whats the best way to say "Hey..I'd like to try and pursue this guy..." I;m scared he'll lose trust in me, especially after all the progress we've made.. He's the first guy to finally understand and know what I am and be (almost) okay with it.

I also have no clue if the other guy would even be interested in me and my polyamorous relationships. But I'll cross that bridge when I have too. It's easier to get rejected by this new guy, rather then completely lost all trust from my husband.
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Old 11-01-2012, 03:58 AM
Witch Witch is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 19
Default Update

So shortly after all this coming out onto the forums, my husband asked me if I wanted to date other men. I got nervous cause I love him so much, but I didn't want to lie. I told him that I do want to date other men as well as women, but only if he feels comfortable with it. He admitted he was hesitant but he wants to work through his feelings of jealousy. For all of his life he has thought monogamously and admitted that he feels like he's "hard wired" to feel jealousy and territorial towards men, and not so much women. But he wants to work through those feelings for me, because he really wants to explore with relationships on his side too.

It really made happy, mainly because it made me confirm he wants to explore relationships for himself and not for me. Which is what I'd want, if it's something he'd pursue. He's not exploring polyamory just because its something I brought it, but it genuinely interests him as well.

If I could believe that he was okay with the idea of me being completely poly and him mono, I'd suggest that but... I don't think that would work, and he would be very hurt and struggle with many negative emotions. I'd rather not lose him or cause him stress. I'm perfectly okay with staying monogamous with him. I can control my emotions and feelings for his sake.

BUT I AM SO HAPPY!! I'll keep it updated.(probably change this into a blog instead since my problem has been addressed and should take this to the appropriate thread area.) About how our relationship goes. From my time being married to him, I don't have too many doubts. He is very understanding and I'm glad he wants to try it himself.
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Old 11-01-2012, 04:08 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

You two are in a good place. You've started the dialogue and are honest with each other. Now, take baby steps - don't jump into anything too fast! Keep talking before you do any dating of other people. Perhaps read Opening Up together, by Tristan Taormino, and make use of her excellent checklists to discuss issues you may not have thought about before.

The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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Old 11-01-2012, 04:53 AM
Witch Witch is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 19

Thanks so much for the suggestion. ^_^ And your words are easy to ears..(eyes? haha) It's nice to know that someone believes we are off to a good start.
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