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  #11  
Old 09-22-2012, 12:09 AM
LoveBomb LoveBomb is offline
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Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
After I had our son, we hardly had sex at all for a year. We were just exhausted. Having a few minutes of alone time was a luxury. I couldn't even have handled the concept of a poly relationship. If my H had asked, I would have gone batshit crazy, and I certainly wouldn't have had the energy to consider it myself.

And yeah... I would not have been thrilled if H brought things up when I was very pregnant and had a poor self image.
Vicki, may I ask when you and your husband broached the subject? I assume you brought it up based on your signature (?). When did you feel it was the right time?
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  #12  
Old 09-22-2012, 01:13 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Originally Posted by LoveBomb View Post
So with that being said, here are my questions:

1) Obviously I should wait until my kid is born before even thinking of pursuing another relationship. How long should I realistically wait after my child is born before bringing this subject up with my wife? I don't want her to feel as though I'm bailing on her for a younger, slimmer, more beautiful girl after having gained a lot of weight during child birth. Her weight honestly doesn't bother me, but it does bother her.
In my experience (NOT as a parent but as someone who regularly works with pregnant women and new parent) NOT ONE soon-to-parent ever fully understands what it is going to be like to be the parent of a newborn. I'd plan on at least a year. Not say that you can't TALK about it at all but hormones and body changes combined with exhaustion are not the best combination for rational discourse.

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Originally Posted by LoveBomb View Post
2) If I do successfully convince my wife that a poly relationship would be a good thing (and I think I can), how do people deal with the whole "who lives with who" question? How do you divvy up time spent with each lover and decide who sleeps at whose house? Has anyone here successfully moved in with a married couple, or are married and had a lover move in with you?
I am married and my lover lives with us. There is a lot of advice about dating for a while before considering this ... we disregarded it. Dude moved in with us right away (see my earliest posts where we tease him about being a "U-haul lesbian). To be fair - MrS and Dude were best friends for several years before I met him and I had known him for about a year before we "got together".

We pretty much function as a "full-time" Vee. Most non-sexy time (and some sexy time) is spent all three together. We all share one bed. So we kind of skipped the whole "who gets me when stage".

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Originally Posted by LoveBomb View Post
3) How does the situation change when there are kids involved?
Sorry, no kids here - I imagine it would complicate things a lot.

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Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
Basically my point of view is, with the baby coming, you're already adding a new person to the relationship. Better to wait for the whole relationship to restructure itself to account for this new person, your child, before you try to add another one. I think it's best to establish a relationship either before any child enters the picture, or after the relationship has "recovered" from the waves of the child entering the picture.
Totally agree with this.

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Originally Posted by MusicalRose View Post
It absolutely can work though. Right now I am in a V with two males (I am female) and we all just moved into an apartment together. I am engaged to one and have been dating him for almost four years. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now and we have known each other/been involved for almost a year. They are both really comfortable around each other and don't have hangups that prevent me from having sex in the household while the other is around or even allowing the occasional threesome. For some people, this arrangement wouldn't work though.
Sounds like your situation is pretty similar to mine. I have read about many Vee's that have boundaries about people having sex when the other is home. That would SOOO not work for us. We are basically home all of the time.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.


My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #13  
Old 09-22-2012, 01:50 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Originally Posted by LoveBomb View Post
Vicki, may I ask when you and your husband broached the subject? I assume you brought it up based on your signature (?). When did you feel it was the right time?
My story is a little different than most here, I suspect. I used to write erotica for a living so my husband knew that I had fantasies of sex with other men, but we never acted on them until this January when I met someone attractive and safe on a vacation and got to be friends with him and his wife. They have an open marriage so it was our first introduction to this in real life. Our son was 2 years old.

My husband, after some soul searching, allowed me to have sex with the husband, and it was great. My sex life with my husband turbocharged as well which was a wonderful benefit. My husband okayed me having extramarital sex. Then one of my partners and I fell in love. So in our case, this has required a lot of negotiation!

It took years for our sex life to recover after our son's birth, and we owe that mostly to opening our marriage. Things are really different after kids! Of course, now it is better than it has ever been.
__________________
Me: 32 yrs, poly pansexual Dominant female.
My People: Mark/StbxH, my husband of ten years, now separated with no desire of reconciliation.
Henry, 28yrs, my collared submissive, dating for 11 months and recently cohabitating. Currently no other partners.
Jennifer, 39yrs, dating for a year. Married and has other partners.
Kiddo, my 6 year old son
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  #14  
Old 09-23-2012, 02:36 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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1) Obviously I should wait until my kid is born before even thinking of pursuing another relationship. How long should I realistically wait after my child is born before bringing this subject up with my wife?
I'd not even ponder that until the kid IS born. YOU may have your feelings change. It is unanswerable right now from this place to guess how you will be feeling as a new father. Much less how your wife might be feeling. Post partum depression, couvade, maybe nothing like that at all. Wait til you are on the other side to assess where your buckets and her buckets are at.

The buckets of mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health.

Quote:
2) If I do successfully convince my wife that a poly relationship would be a good thing (and I think I can), how do people deal with the whole "who lives with who" question? How do you divvy up time spent with each lover and decide who sleeps at whose house? Has anyone here successfully moved in with a married couple, or are married and had a lover move in with you?
This is something for you and your wife to solve. There are as many ways to do it as there are poly people -- each polyship wants what it wants. They are not all cookie cutter things. You also cannot solve that with wife and you alone. The OTHER person has a voice and preference too!

I would NOT be in a rush to tangle finances and living arrangements. The first flush of NRE is like being on the pink fluffy lala cloud drugs. Fun to feel, but not the time to make major life decisions. Best to wait it out for a year to let the clouds dissipate and then see what it is.

Quote:
3) How does the situation change when there are kids involved?
It does not just change YOUR house.

It changes both sides of the extended families. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends, etc. Family gatherings, rituals, events - the trickle out effect of a new person joining the tribe is definitely felt.

I'm not spontaneous like I was as a single or married couple. I have to plan for babysitters. I'm not up for dragging the kid all over the place -- so no more doubled up social events like one thing in the morning and another in the afternoon.

It is exhausting to have an infant in the house. It is exhausting to be the nursing mother. It's worth it in the end, the effort to raise a decent human being to maturity, I think. And to do it well.

But it takes a HUGE effort and it is a huge resource drain. I'm not talking about just money either -- I'm talking about time, emotional, mental, spiritual, physical resources. My kid is not a baby any more but I STILL have no desire to Open during the active parenting years. Kid activities and shuttling her about -- that takes up time.

Stop to think too -- you are not married. What legalities do you face with custody of child should you all break up? Someone report you to DCF just to make waves? Before you go adding a new GF to the scene, protect your unborn child appropriately.

HTH!
GG
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  #15  
Old 09-25-2012, 07:53 PM
LoveBomb LoveBomb is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Stop to think too -- you are not married. What legalities do you face with custody of child should you all break up? Someone report you to DCF just to make waves? Before you go adding a new GF to the scene, protect your unborn child appropriately.
I live in Canada, so I'm not sure what DCF is. I'm assuming you're talking about the "Department of Children and Families"? I'm not even sure if we have an equivalent to that up here. There are certainly custody battles that take place, but I'm not aware of a government organization that will take my child away from me just because I had what society would view as an "affair".

I'm not totally sure how it is in the States, but up here, I'm legally the father of my child regardless of marriage. That being said, were we to go down this path, we certainly would take any and all appropriate considerations for our child. My daughter will come first in everything, of course.

My "wife" and I are pretty emotionally stable. She's not one to fly off the deep end and deny me the right to see my daughter regardless of what happens. We're quite good at talking things through.
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  #16  
Old 09-26-2012, 12:11 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Yes, "Department of Children and Families" is DCF here in the USA. Nobody here is going to take kids from their parents either. But they are obligated to check out reports, no?

I'm not only talking about some future GF making waves harassing you at work or home or via agencies. What about relatives who disapprove of polyshipping making waves? Trying to declare you unfit parents?

What if your wife decides to check out from failed polyshipping? Will you still be able to see your child?

What if one of you is hurt? Who is next of kin? What if both are hurt? Who is child's guardian then?

I am glad you plan to sort all that kind of thing out. Def get it squared away.

GL!
GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-26-2012 at 12:16 AM.
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