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  #41  
Old 06-18-2010, 11:20 PM
Lost421 Lost421 is offline
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I really don't have much in the way of advice for you, except to tell her you love her and let her know you want her to stay. She's her own person and she'll do what she feels is best for her, and regardless of what you want you can't really change that. She may be letting NRE get the better of her (if they have only been seeing each other for a short time, she may be thinking the grass is greener on the other side. It very seldom is). There is always the possibility that she is not really poly and is using it as a way out. If she does, then I'm guessing she's really not poly after all. If she really wants to leave then sadly there's not much to be done about it. The only thing I can think to say is that if you love her, let her go. If she comes back to you, then you know it was meant to be. This is such a hard thing, and my heart goes out to you. Don't lose hope, though. This may be building up her other relationship to be more than it is. Sometimes people have to try something to realize the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I wish you the best and I hope things work out for you. If you need to talk, there are lots of great people here.

R
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  #42  
Old 06-18-2010, 11:26 PM
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Thank you Mono and lost. Im not sure what to do. The hardest part for me is letting go. I have spent almost my entire adult life with this woman. The other hard part is going to be not having my little ones with me everyday. It wouldnt be the same if she stayed with me and I know that she only thinks of me as a friend. But I guess this will be my chance to find who I truly am. This could be the beginning of a great adventure. Dont know, Im so unsure of how to proceed. But I guess nobody ever really knows how to go forward in this situation. I was kinda thinking the same way about the nre but i dont know. The things that k says to me makes me think that she is wrapped up in the moment. The whole grass is greener thing is exactly what I was thinking. Time will tell if her new bf wants a ready made family. I have heard the if you love something let it go, if it returns to you its your to keep. Then somebody added if it doesnt return then track it down and kill it. Dont worry, Im not going to do something like that. Just think Im gonna focus on myself for a bit and get my life together.
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Last edited by racer812; 06-18-2010 at 11:37 PM.
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  #43  
Old 06-18-2010, 11:40 PM
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Originally Posted by dazedandlost View Post
Thank you Mono. Im not sure what to do. The hardest part for me is letting go. I have spent almost my entire adult life with this woman. The other hard part is going to be not having my little ones with me everyday. It wouldnt be the same if she stayed with me and I know that she only thinks of me as a friend. But I guess this will be my chance to find who I truly am. This could be the beginning of a great adventure. Dont know, Im so unsure of how to proceed. But I guess nobody ever really knows how to go forward in this situation.
At this point, being sure of what to do is probably a bit much but you can get there my friend. When I separated from my ex wife of 17 years (my fault) I thought I was a dead man basically. I hurt in a way that I can't explain, it was death. But you know what, I made it to the other side and look at me now; in love like never before on a completely different path. But I am happy my friend. You'll get there once you chose your path.

Thinking of it as a new adventure (if that is what it comes to) is an excellent and healthy attitude
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  #44  
Old 06-19-2010, 10:41 PM
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The ups and downs of my emotions are one of the hardest things to cope with. When we talk on the phone, for whatever reason, she always ends with I love you. God I love this woman with all that I am, but when I read the friends with benifits thing, my world started to crumble. K is planning a trip to take our little ones to stay with a close friend, just so happens that H lives like a mile away. Hhmm..... go figure! I think that Im gonna give K her freedom and let her see if this guy can give her what she deserves, happiness. Thats all I ever wanted for her, was her to be happy. But I have learned thru the years that you cant make someone happy, they have to make themselves happy with the choices and people that they surround themselves with. Time will tell. Maybe I will get lucky and K will come back to me, but I dont think that we will ever have the same life. Well, I thank everyone for reading and replying with personal experiences and advice, they have helped.
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  #45  
Old 06-22-2010, 02:14 AM
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Very interesting weekend. fathers day was sunday, had a nice time with friends and my little family. Talked with K and basically told her that when she makes her trip she needs to spend time with H. The look on her face was pure astonishment. Dont think expected that from me. We talked quite abit on friday nite and saturday evening. Told her my feelings and told her that she is free to do what she thinks is right for her. During our talk on friday nite, she finally let her guard down and opened up. K hasnt been happy for about three yrs. She had planned about 2 yrs ago to leave right before christmas. So I think this latest issue is just her way of trying to justify to herself that she is done, with me and our relationship. I know that she is scared, hell Im petrified,to start over after almost 20 years together. K told me that the plan is for us to move to nevada and for me to go and drive a big rig with her best friends husband, team driving, while her the friend and all the kids stay home. I told her thats not gonna happen, Im not going to be gone from home for 3 or 4 weeks at a time and let her do whatever she wants with someone else. Told her that if she wants to go so bad that her and the kids can move, Im not going. Told her that I would give her time to see if a relationship with H is what she wants. K shot all that down, stating that she wants me and our life. I dont think she knows what she wants. I thought that if I give her time to figure out her wants, that she might choose to stay with me. But I dont know if I can get over the text mess that she sent H. I mean how many people get told after all these years that they are just a friend with benifits. What a crushing thing to say. True feelings coming to the surface? I dont know. It still hurts. Maybe with enough time the hurt will diminish. Sorry so long and scattered, my mind is working that way right now. As always thank you for reading and any comments.
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  #46  
Old 06-22-2010, 02:49 AM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Wow...Well, this is my take on it all for now....You have given her the freedom......and like a fly, she is PETRIFIED to have total freedom. She will remain with you, if for no other reason than she is comfortable with you. I found it somewhat humorous that she wanted you to go OTR driving with a friends husband, while the two of them, sit back at home, take your money, and screw who they wish. Wow....what a life. You made the right decision by telling her "no" to that IMO.

I will agree that she probably doesn't have a CLUE what she wants.

As for the text messages thing goes, would it have hurt if you had never known about it? no....and you probably wouldn't have made the choises you have thus far either. However, you HAVE read them, and you HAVE made these choises. So....Now to move FORWARD, and quit rehashing the past. Learn form the past, and don't make the same "mistakes" you have in the past.

If you REALLY wish to stay in a relationship with K, then tell HER that. If, however, you DON'T wish to, you need to tell her that as well.
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  #47  
Old 06-23-2010, 11:40 PM
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Thank you TL. You are absolutely right, i must get over the past. I must move forward with my life, whether K wants to be apart of it or not. I am looking into changing my career, Im so unhappy where Im at now, and Im making plans for mine and my kids future. We talked for alittle bit last night and I told her that it is her choice what she is going to do, Im not gonna beg her to stay. Also told her that I want to stay here because of opurtunities and our friends, that there is nothing for me in nevada but pain and probaly worse. I think that it would be a slow and painful death to our relationship. So here I sit typing on the computer, watching my little ones play, wondering what the future holds. Im not sure what to expect, but Im fairly confident that I will survive and grow with this life lesson.
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  #48  
Old 06-24-2010, 02:50 AM
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Originally Posted by dazedandlost View Post
Im not sure what to expect, but Im fairly confident that I will survive and grow with this life lesson.
I guarantee you that you will survive, and you will learn. I honestly hope things work out for the both of you. I got so lucky to have found my wife so early on in life. I have had the pleasure of growing up with her for the last 20 years. (I am 39 now...wow...the big 4 oh this year...Oh well...Time waits for no-one) If I can be of any help, just ask. If I am hindering you at all, just let me know, and I'll butt out.
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  #49  
Old 06-24-2010, 04:06 AM
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not butting in at all. My wife and I have been together for 20 years. I will be 39 next month. I feel that we can work this out, I want to work this out. But I must be patient and let K figure out what she wants from her life. So I have mentally prepared myself for the worst, and hoping for the best. I think that is all I can do now, hurry up and wait. Thank you for the insight and suggestions.
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  #50  
Old 06-24-2010, 04:25 AM
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Originally Posted by dazedandlost View Post
not butting in at all. My wife and I have been together for 20 years. I will be 39 next month. I feel that we can work this out, I want to work this out. But I must be patient and let K figure out what she wants from her life. So I have mentally prepared myself for the worst, and hoping for the best. I think that is all I can do now, hurry up and wait. Thank you for the insight and suggestions.
Yes, waiting is the hardest part. Try to remain positive. If you think and harp on the worst, it will come to pass. If you think and harp on the best case scenario, then you will find a way to make it happen. The universe will give you everything you request if you know how to ask for it. The way to ask for it, is to believe it wholeheartedly. If you think (even a little) that she will leave, then she likely will....why?? Because you believe she will. Have faith in the universe, and allow the cards to fall where they will. Focus on your children and making them happy.
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