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  #21  
Old 06-03-2010, 10:00 PM
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thankyou all for the insight. im gonna take the weekend and spend some alone time and do some serious soul searching. we have talked at length about my feelings. im still not sure that k's responces are the truth. i cant help but think that she is telling me what i want to hear and not the truth. i dont know. k is my first love and i have a hard time understanding why she and h still have, as k put it, picked up right where they left off. i did get one piece of honesty, k slept with h when we started dating. that was after we got together, i was k's first. that news didnt bother me so much, we were just starting our relationship and not living together yet. i have stated my desire to meet h, but i go back and forth as my emotions rise and fall. i read alot about compersion on this site. once i get my head together, if this doesnt fall apart, i think i will try the nike method, just do it, that i read someone else did.
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  #22  
Old 06-04-2010, 06:52 AM
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Is there any way you can start talking to him now? On line, call, email? something? Perhaps your fears will be dispelled if you get a sense of what is going on for him and what he wants from all this.
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  #23  
Old 06-04-2010, 08:53 AM
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The ultimatum bothers me. Telling someone to feel a certain way or else leave the relationship is a sad way to dump the responsibility of her choices onto you.

It's understandable that she'd want to explore this relationship, but after a 20-year investment and sounding like there's still a lot of love between you, she has some responsibility towards you to help you get through this.

Or if she's too selfish to want to help you get through this, then she has a responsibility to take accountability for ending the relationship.

She says this is just for fun, but it doesn't sound like that to me. I say so because of the ultimatum. If it was just for fun, then the difficulty you're having with it should supersede a little fun.
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  #24  
Old 06-04-2010, 05:01 PM
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well loaded up the 5th wheel and goin to do some soul searching. ihave reread my posts and all of your guys input. last nite we discussed all of my feelings again. k says she wants a friends with benifits type of arrangement. i personally dont thing she has discussed any feelings with h. this whole thing hits me as having your cake and eating it too. k keeps rerassuring me that im the one she wants, she wants our life. the whole relationship between them is based off of a highschool sweetheart type of thing. lucky for me its a long distance relationship. from the snooping that i have done, which i feel ashamed about, h only contacts k rarely. maybe i have over thought all of this. i know that h was k first love and i have been told by others that you never forget yourfirst love. honestly k is my first love. i have never had feelings for someone like this in my life. 20 years is along time to be with someone. we have experimented in the past with other couples and have had "adventures" with a few select singles. what is happening now feels nothing like those times. maybe all of this is caused from my insecurity of losing my life partner. i dont know. i have felt compersion that i have read so much about. when we were having our "adventures" with others. it was a very exciting time, full of love and happiness. maybe this is all from me being very male and seeing h as a threat. we are after all animals with basic insticts. from what i have been told, h doesnt want to hurt our life. but this has caused a large riff between k and myself. we also discussed the ultimatum, which i was told that it wasnt an ultimatum. k told me that she feels totally drained because of my feelings and that i keep unloading on her. i told her that i wasnt unloading, that i wanted to get my feelings out in the open so that they dont consume me. so now here i am today, dropping kids off at summer camp and goin camping for a couple of days. just me and my dog. i hope this helps me. what was that caption i read, i have gone to find myself, if i return before i get back keep me here. that to me is a very true thing. well thankyou all for reading my ramblings and giving me input. wish me luck.
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  #25  
Old 06-04-2010, 08:49 PM
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It sounds like her point of view is that you are wrecking her good time with "unloading" your feelings onto her. In my opinion that is just too darn bad. No one ever has their cake and eats it too. At least very rarely in a poly situation. You know why? Because we have a responsibility to our other partners to listen and deal with their "unloading." Its part of the whole thing. If she thinks she can get away with not having to do so, she is sadly mistaken. If she wants you as her number one so badly then I think she is going to just have to be strong and deal. In this case she can't have it all without work. Work that most of us have to put in so we can live this way.
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  #26  
Old 06-05-2010, 12:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
It sounds like her point of view is that you are wrecking her good time with "unloading" your feelings onto her. In my opinion that is just too darn bad. No one ever has their cake and eats it too. At least very rarely in a poly situation. You know why? Because we have a responsibility to our other partners to listen and deal with their "unloading." Its part of the whole thing. If she thinks she can get away with not having to do so, she is sadly mistaken. If she wants you as her number one so badly then I think she is going to just have to be strong and deal. In this case she can't have it all without work. Work that most of us have to put in so we can live this way.
SO TRUE! Nothing worthwhile can last very long without a little work here and there...Hell I can't imagine loving without a lot of work. Growth=Hard Work=Satisfaction
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  #27  
Old 06-05-2010, 01:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AliceinCyberland View Post
I heartily second the xeromag site, especially love the one aboke the broken refrigerator!

Thank you for the serlynne link. I've saved it and will be looking at it shortly.
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  #28  
Old 06-05-2010, 01:37 PM
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I hope you were able to find what you were looking for this weekend .

After reading what's been written on this thread I have learned something. Always a good thing.

I have learned that the reason I was having problems with jealousy in the beginning was because: 1. It was early in our relationship so we didn't have a good foundation to work from & 2. since it was the beginning I didn't have the reassurances I needed in order to feel secure.

I will put more in my thread so I don't hijack this one .
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  #29  
Old 06-05-2010, 07:48 PM
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glad you liked those links, BG, i found them very helpful- i hope they helped you dazed. good luck this weekend, having a little space & time to yourself can really help sort things out.
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  #30  
Old 06-06-2010, 09:02 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
It sounds like her point of view is that you are wrecking her good time with "unloading" your feelings onto her. In my opinion that is just too darn bad. No one ever has their cake and eats it too. At least very rarely in a poly situation.
This is beyond having your cake and eating it too. I personally think that poly already is having your cake and eating it too -- you get to express your ability and desire to love multiple people without the lies, burden and pain of cheating.

This is like... having your cake and eating it too, and then eating your husband's cake with a big shit-eating grin.
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