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  #11  
Old 06-01-2010, 07:57 PM
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racer812 racer812 is offline
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thank you all for the insight and advice. i have put some of these questions to k. now just have to wait and see what happens. hopefully this will help me learn to manage my feelings better. if and when k meets h again, i think i will pack up the kids and go camping and fish. starting to get hot where i live and we can go to the mountains to cool off. again thank you for the support. its nice to now that im not the only person to have issue when things are dumped on you.
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  #12  
Old 06-02-2010, 04:04 PM
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well had a long talk with k last nite. i still have the feeling that she is not being honest with me, and more importantly with herself. after a long discussion i am still confused about where she wants her new relationship to go. she says its just for fun, but its hard to think that its all for fun and its just friendship. its hard to comprehend when they use the "i love you" phrase when texting each other. i have told her that she needs to do some soul searching to figure out what she wants in her life. the answer i get is always the same when i ask her what she wants. she says that she wants to stay with me im am her true love and she does not want to leave our life. part of me thinks the only reason she stays is because of the kids. am i over thinking this? i know that part of my problem is the insecurity that she will leave. thats an issue that im dealing with everyday. part of me feels that this was all just dumped on me and im suppose to deal with it and be ok. part of me feels that im expected to stay home with our little ones and take care of them while shes out having fun with h for a weekend. i know that if this is goig to work that i have to learn to share. but i must admit that i am selfish when i comes to k's heart. in short i guess that im addicted to her, the way she makes me feel, her scent, her touch. sorry just kinda babbling again. i have so much goin thru my mind that its hard to put it in order. i think that the not knowing part is the worst. and knowing that what i, we, have worked so long and hard to get might fall apart. so do i just be the subservient man and let her run? or do i put my foot down and risk all that we have? at this point im not sure. perhaps i am over thinking all of this. maybe i should keep quiet and see what happens. i still dont know what h wants out of their relationship. i havent been allowed into that communication loop yet, even though i have stated the want to get to know him. guess i should be thankful that h doesnt live closer. sorry that i rambled. thank you for any insight or advice.

Last edited by racer812; 06-02-2010 at 04:41 PM.
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  #13  
Old 06-02-2010, 10:04 PM
groovy9 groovy9 is offline
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Originally Posted by dazedandlost View Post
so do i just be the subservient man and let her run? or do i put my foot down and risk all that we have?
If, by telling her you can't be happy with her loving someone else, you cause her to leave, what do you really have?

I don't know anything about your relationship, and I'm new around here (longtime lurker), so take it for what it's worth. But I do happen to have a spectacular 16-year relationship with my wife, who is exploring polyamory a bit. But she's not doing it despite me, as yours is. There is simply no way she'd do it if I wasn't completely on board. If she somehow lost her mind and did (which actually happened years ago), my foot would be all kinds of down (which it was, and she snapped right out of it.)

The point is you need to put your damn foot down. She's being four different kinds of insensitive to the guy who's supposed to be the love of her life, and she's apparently not going to snap out of it on her own.

That's not to say she can't go ahead and have a relationship with the guy, but it needs to be on both her terms AND yours.

Last edited by groovy9; 06-02-2010 at 10:07 PM.
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  #14  
Old 06-02-2010, 10:27 PM
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racer812 racer812 is offline
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thanks groovy. when she gets home tonite, i think we will talk some more. ihave been very clear about my feelings and i keep getting the same reassurance talk. it just very hard for me to accept the fact that this might be the end of a wonderful life. about a week ago i was giventhe ultimatum to get over my jealousy or get out. well ihavent gotten over it yet and im still here. i think part of her logic is if i leave that she will be free to pursue this relationship. i have done a very low thing, i read there texts. i dont feel good about the whole breach of privacy but i just had to know. very possible that this caused way more damage than good. for the most part all was as she said. txt once or twice a week. how you doin and the like. like i said earlier, i might be over thinking all of this. i was reading about compersion and i think i have experienced it before. i think alot of my problem is jealousy and insecurity. i dont know. just trying to work through this so that we are all happy. my biggest hangup is the thought of lossing her, thats the insecurity. but i keep being told the samething. maybe i should listen with my heart and not my mind.
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  #15  
Old 06-02-2010, 10:33 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by dazedandlost View Post
thanks groovy. when she gets home tonite, i think we will talk some more. ihave been very clear about my feelings and i keep getting the same reassurance talk. it just very hard for me to accept the fact that this might be the end of a wonderful life. about a week ago i was giventhe ultimatum to get over my jealousy or get out.
Automatic deal breaker for me. She is being selfish, fine she wants to be poly, but you and her need to work on it as partners...this doesn't sound like a partnership to me.

Ultimatums are usually a sign of bad things, push comes to shove, not matter what you think or feel...you're screwed. She wants him, regardless of anything else in her circle.
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  #16  
Old 06-02-2010, 10:56 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Automatic deal breaker for me. She is being selfish, fine she wants to be poly, but you and her need to work on it as partners...this doesn't sound like a partnership to me.

Ultimatums are usually a sign of bad things, push comes to shove, not matter what you think or feel...you're screwed. She wants him, regardless of anything else in her circle.
Sad to say I agree. Comments like "get over your jealousy or get out" indicate a lack of depth. If anyone says that when they supposedly love someone then clearly they use the word "Love" in a much different way than the people I know. I'm not even going to add the standard "in my opinion"...that is a bullshit statement.
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  #17  
Old 06-02-2010, 11:01 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Originally Posted by dazedandlost View Post
i guess that im addicted to her
While I'm sure that this sounds romantic to a lot of people, your writing this after emphasising earlier how she is your whole life makes it sound to me like there is something not all that healthy about your dynamic. You'd probably feel better right now if you spend some time figuring out who you are and what your life is outside of your relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by dazedandlost View Post
so do i just be the subservient man and let her run?
Er, this is a strange way of describing a (non-D/s) relationship. Do you see yourself as engaged in some sort of struggle for dominance in your relationship? Your partner should be your best ally, and you should be hers.

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Originally Posted by dazedandlost View Post
about a week ago i was giventhe ultimatum to get over my jealousy or get out. well ihavent gotten over it yet and im still here.
Well, this is clear, but not very helpful. I mean, it should be a clear message that something about your behaviour right now is doing catastrophic damage to your relationship (which is exactly the thing you don't want to happen). But it is a lot easier to say to someone "get over your jealousy" than it is do it. And it really isn't too much to expect that she should be your first and best resource for working through your insecurity.

She's your partner because she wants to be with you. You clearly want to be with her. Try to dial down the stuff that's damaging the relationship, ask for her help in having sane, quiet conversations on where your insecurities are, explore who you are besides just being her partner, and have some faith that you can get to a place where the relationship is going to work well again.
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  #18  
Old 06-03-2010, 03:57 AM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Ok, I'm going to suggest that you read the book "The Ethical Slut". This book has done wonders for my wife.

There is a part in there which deals with jealousy. One of the authors said they had a issue with jealousy ones, and they asked their significant other to re-assure them that they (the sig other) wasn't going anywhere, and they would still love them (the author). My wife has done this to me since our marriage began....almost 20 years ago. She did it on a regular basis even though we weren't practicing poly yet. We didn't even KNOW about poly.....She has done this since we've been married. I, on the other hand, have not....So as we waded into this poly life, who do you think had the largest issues with jealousy? Thats right, she did. It's my own fault.....because I was lacking in my reassurance to her that I would not leave, and that I would love her eternally.

Ask her for that reassurance. Tell her that you are scared and/or nervous and most of all, WORRIED that she will leave you for him.
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  #19  
Old 06-03-2010, 04:21 AM
skyjewel skyjewel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dazedandlost View Post
maybe i should listen with my heart and not my mind.
You love with the same heart that you fear with. Listen to your heart and ACCEPT that fear. Realistically speaking, your wife can and might leave you. What are you going to do to make sure that the situation does not head towards that direction?

Your wife was honest enough to admit her feelings about "H". That's one good thing. Her honesty should be met with your trust. If the way you discussed your jealousy with your wife made her react negatively, she just might start keeping things from you. You don't want that honesty to go away. You want to keep that communication channel open and positive.

Why do you think would she leave you? Do you think "H" is filling up a void in her that you're not aware of? Do you think "H" is a better lover? I'm sure you have a lot of questions of the same nature that are unanswered and this is causing your insecurity. Ask her those questions in a non-confrontational way. It will probably help if you met "H" and he himself can probably answer some of the nagging questions that are affecting you emotionally. You asked if you should put your foot down. Maybe this is the time to do so. "K" is your wife and you have every right to demand to get to know who she's spending time with. This is for your wife's safety too. It's time for the three of you to meet and have a "friendly" chat. Showing confidence about yourself and your relationship with "K" will do you good during that meeting.

Like everybody said, take care of yourself. Good luck and I hope you'll get your peace of mind.
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  #20  
Old 06-03-2010, 11:42 AM
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AliceinCyberland AliceinCyberland is offline
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hi dazed

i can't completely understand what you're going thru because i'm female, but when my husband first started talking to other women online & being more serious than friends, it tore me up. i've slowly come to a point where i can accept & deal with it, but it took time, talking about it with my husband, meeting (on skype, at least) the woman he's with now & getting to know her, & work on both our parts to get there. the jealousy is very difficult to deal with- here are a couple of sites that really helped me:

http://www.serolynne.com/poly_jealousy.htm

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyjealousy.html

these go specifically to posts on dealing with jealousy, but there's lots of other great information too. i would suggest reading these, taking a look at your feelings, & talking to your wife about it openly & honestly. i know men have trouble with that sometimes, but i'm sure it will help. please feel free to message me if you'd like to talk, i can't imagine the initial difficulty & hurt is that much different for men & women. i feel like i went thru hell, & if i'd just thought to look for this information sooner, i could've spared myself so much pain. you've done a great thing coming on to this site & reaching out for help, to me that shows you really care about your wife's happiness

warm hugs, Alice
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