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  #131  
Old 08-17-2010, 03:48 AM
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Thanks to you my friend. It's people like you who share and make themselves vulnerable that provide the life and learning to this forum. If people just wanted regurgitated theory, they could go anywhere. Thanks again, you're a huge contributor to this community
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  #132  
Old 08-17-2010, 11:55 PM
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Thank you for the kind words Mono. I find that it really helps me keep things in perspective when i can write them down and look back at it.
So, now on to the good. Had to go to the new job today for orientation and the obligatory screening. Got sized for my new uniforms and begin training at the end of this month. Finished the background process and the physical. WOW! Lots of stuff to prepare for.
The bad. K's whole demeanor has changed towards me. Now, when we talk on the phone, its short and to the point. We used to just call each other to see how the others day was going and she would always finish with "I love you". Now she doesn't say it until I do, and it sounds more like an auto reflex, like the " hi, how are you today?" thing. I'm pretty sure that K is just waiting for my new job to take off and the benefits to kick in before she leaves. She still is keeping things from me and everything is fine as long as I don't bring up anything to do with H.
The ugly. Text with the high school sweety today. It started out good then went down hill very quickly. Basically she wants to know why we split up all those years ago and if I ever loved her. UGH! I tried to explain my feelings and what she meant to me. I dont think she liked my answers, she stopped texting and wont answer when I call. I feel bad that I hurt her feelings, but I was being truthful. Guess thats not always the best way to be.

So, thats my life up til today.
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  #133  
Old 08-21-2010, 03:02 AM
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Had a long talk with K last night, while laying in bed. We talked about her leaving and the reason why she is doing it.
I don't understand the reason why, she says she is going to leave so that I can be happy. Huh???? That totally blows my mind! K says she is going to stay here with me until I get my new job and benefits rolling so that I will have some stability. I am so lost and confused and hurt! How can she tell me that she loves me and wants me to be happy and wants to make love to me and then keep planning to leave? Why drag this out? Why prolong the pain?
K says that her leaving has nothing to do with H, but I think that she is just trying to keep from hurting me. But I'm already hurt! Part of me wants to build the walls to protect my feelings, the other part doesn't want to let her go. On one hand I want to tell her to leave, so the hurt will stop. On the other i dont want to lose what makes me happy.
Any ideas or advice, incite,answers would be greatly appreciated. thank you all.
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  #134  
Old 08-21-2010, 03:07 AM
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Ahhh...The "walls"....I hate the walls, but I, too, have had to replace those walls that I had up once before. I feel your pain Racer....I really do. It just sucks. No matter what you say or do...It just isn't right. Sigh....Sorry to hear all this Racer. I hope you can make it work.
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  #135  
Old 08-21-2010, 03:01 PM
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I want nothing more than to make it work. But if only one of us is willing.......
K has,in my opinion, already made up her mind on what she is going to do. I think alot of what she has done has been to ease her guilt. She is trying to make me be the bad guy and I wont play that game. So she changed her tactics and now wants to make sure that I will be OK. She is being very secretive and is hiding the fact that she is looking for work in NV. She even went as far to tell me that she thought about moving close to her uncle. I think that she is just telling me that to ease my pain.
When we were talking the other night, K was saying that she thinks we need time apart and she always has the option of coming back. I had to bite my tongue because I wanted to say, so badly, "are you sure?". But I didn't and I'm not sure why. I hate the fact that I'm walling her out! But I'm to the point that no matter what I say or what I do its just not enough, so why try to keep someone that doesn't want me?
It still hurts that someone I love so much, wants nothing to do with me. I guess being friends is better than nothing. I don't know.
Well thanks for reading.
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  #136  
Old 08-22-2010, 02:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by racer812 View Post
It still hurts that someone I love so much, wants nothing to do with me. I guess being friends is better than nothing. I don't know.
Well thanks for reading.
I know, and feel, your pain here. Sorry to hear all this Racer....REALLY sorry to hear it.
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  #137  
Old 08-22-2010, 05:46 AM
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Aw, man, this just sounds terrible. I really feel for you.
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  #138  
Old 08-22-2010, 02:18 PM
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Now I'm really confused! It's Sunday morning and I'm awake after having an amazing night with K. We bbq'ed(pretty much the norm for us), had a really taste dinner, sat out on the back patio, had a few drinks and watched the rain. K then proceeded to seduce me and......Well the rest was just wonderful!
So I sit here with my cup of coffee and the laptop wondering what the deal is. I mean is she leaving, is she staying? !
I guess I need to look at the positive side, she still wants to be intimate with me. I think I'm just gonna enjoy the time that I have with K and deal with the negative as it comes.
I still have some questions but I think I will just wait and see. I will focus on the positives in my life, my new career, my kids, get ready to start riding again, maybe even do a couple of races this year. Think positive, release the negative!
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  #139  
Old 08-24-2010, 03:55 AM
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So my last monday at my current job could have been better, but I dont expect much from that company, one of the reasons I'm leavin. Picked up my replacement phone since I broke the screen on mine last week. Also took K's phone in for an update. Kinda surprised that she let me take it!
Really blew her and H's minds this afternoon, sent a friend request on facebook to H. Now their minds are goin like crazy tryin to figure out what I'm up to. Just my little way of getting some mind games goin for them.
I have decided that its only a matter of time until K leaves. Even if she stays, it wont be to be with me. If she stays here with me I feel it would all be a lie. She is not happy here and shes not happy with me. I cant live with myself knowing that she stayed for something other than love. Shit! I just lost my train of thought! I hate when that happens! Well, I guess the rest just isn't that important! Until next time, peace out!
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  #140  
Old 08-24-2010, 09:31 AM
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My wife and I call that "falling off the thought train". LOL It sounds like you're getting over this whole ordeal. Good for you.
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