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  #121  
Old 08-05-2010, 11:10 PM
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K is (was) a heavy giver but something has changed. She is now selfish. It has become all about her. And because of that and everything else that has happened in the last few months we are going to separate, possibly for good.
She told me last night that she is not happy here and is unsure if she is unhappy with me or the situation. Her head is swimming she says. Then turns around and says she wants to be friends.
Tonite when we talk I'm gonna suggest that she move to nv where she wants to be. Take time for herself and figure out if I am to be part of her life or if we are truly done.
I feel so drained, emotionally and physically. I asked her if I should move to the extra bedroom, her answer was no. I told her that sharing a bed with her is torture, because all I want to do is touch her, hold her, kiss her,thats part of what we do (did) in bed together, snuggle. Her response to this was , you can still do that, I still want you to. Huh!?!
A close lady friend knows whats going on and told me that she did the same thing to her ex. Wanted to keep her options open was her excuse.
So, thats my last 2 days in a nutshell. I am preparing myself as best as possible to walk away from the love of my life. Perhaps it will be the best thing for us. I hope that she finds what she is looking for. I really do.
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  #122  
Old 08-06-2010, 10:13 PM
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I received a phone call for a job interview, its with a company that I have been trying to get on with for over a year. A friend who works for the company told me that just getting an interview is a HUGE step.
When I told K, she was very excited for me. But it still doesn't help my situation. She still wants to move. I asked her if she could wait for about 1 year then I could transfer. She doesn't think she can wait.
I told her about my idea for her to move and get settled and get her mind together. She is now thinking about it. When(positive thoughts) I start this new job I will be stuck here in essence, unable to move(unwilling??) or transfer for at least 1 year, probably more.
Talking with K this morning only serves to confuse and hurt me more. I can fell myself shutting down, building walls to protect myself from more pain, I dont understand how in one sentence she says she needs time and in the next say she still wants to be intimate with me. Part of me wants nothing more than to throw her on the bed and ravage her body with love. The other part wants to stay away and avoid the pain of losing her. Part of me is ready to give up. Why try so hard to show her my love and try so hard to accept what she has with H if I'm just gonna end up alone?
My heart tells me she has made up her mind. Then why not just tell me the answer? Is she trying to protect my feelings? Why bother when my heart is already broken. No offense to any ladies here or anywhere else, but why can't you just say what you want? Why must everything be so complicated when it comes to women telling their feelings and what they want?

WOW! that was kinda long! I do feel better getting it off my chest. thanks for reading and any advice or insight.
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  #123  
Old 08-06-2010, 11:00 PM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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Congratulations on the interview. I hope that you get the job you are seeking.

As for your wife's waffling and your comment about women and what they want, it sort of sounds like to me your wife may have been living with some repressed wants and needs that she's in the middle of acknowledging and sorting out. She may not know what she wants right now, or she does, but she sees them as conflicting, or even that what she wants changes from moment to moment. It sounds like this is something she really needs to do in order to be happy.

None of this in any way excuses her behavior to you, and I think that I'm going to add my two cents in to the growing pile of coins that suggest that you need to make sure that you're doing all you can to protect yourself and make sure that you're looking out for yourself and your children.

If you want an interesting take on gender differences in communication, I suggest the often laughable but still insightful "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" book. You might discover some behavior patterns that you find familiar and some new ways to think about them that may give you some confidence in yourself and in your communication with your wife.

Good luck.
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  #124  
Old 08-07-2010, 12:58 AM
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I actually read that book years and years ago. I thought it had some pretty good info on how the sexes communicate differently. I think alot of her indecisiveness comes from the fact that she reconnected with her ex and didn't bank on all of the old feelings still being there, or she did and thought that she, and I, could handle it. Dont know. As for protecting myself.......well.......
Now the kids is a whole different story. They are not happy here either and would love to move, they dont know that I might not be going. We will have to address that issue when it comes up.
I told K that she needs to come to a decision, I understand that it will take some time, so that we can make the necessary plans to make sure that everyone is taken care of. She also told me all she wants to do is run. Away from here, me, everything. I have been patient and try to be supportive in helping her figure this out. I really think she has the grass is greener syndrome. Is the grass greener? I really dont know. My first answer would be, of course, no, not at all, I have the greenest grass, my grass is the best! But as we all know beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I know we have said and done alot of things over the course of this whole roller coaster, but I dont hate her. I might be hurt, angry, upset but I could never hate her.
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  #125  
Old 08-07-2010, 02:12 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by racer812 View Post
As for protecting myself.......well.......

Now the kids is a whole different story.
Since you're more concerned about your children than about yourself, let me put things in another light. What sort of lessons do you want your kids to take away from all of this? No matter how hard you try to shelter them, they will pick up on the fact that something is wrong. Do you want them to have memories of a father who was self-sacrificing and unhappy? What sort of example does that set about self-worth and happiness? About boundaries, and healthy relationships?

I'm going to echo the sentiments said many times on this site and elsewhere:

It's better to be truthful with your kids, because they are more perceptive than people give them credit for, and if you don't tell them what is wrong, they will invent stories that are far worse. Without your responsible input to set them straight, they will internalize it more, and you don't want them to feel it is their fault.

There are ways to tell them what the problem is without disclosing things that are inappropriate for children. Don't feel like you have to explain every detail, because that's not what they need.

Whatever conclusions you and your wife come to will ultimately be for the best, but only if you make sure you are doing right by yourself as well.
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  #126  
Old 08-07-2010, 05:34 PM
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K hasn't decided to leave yet.
I know my kids are very perceptive. I think alot of K's decision will be based on whether or not I land this new job. Then again she might be planning to go sooner. I gave her the option of moving and getting herself settled. Wait for the kids to finish this school year and then go from there.
I honestly have no idea what she wants and really think that she doesnt know what she wants either.
I am making the necessary plans to ensure that my kids will be taken care of, I think alot of their reaction will be based on how we present the situation. If we do it in a positive way then the stress of our situation will be small and should not effect them in a bad way.
I remember when my parents divorced. My mother was very mean and hateful to my father, made it very hard for my sister and I. My parents were at a point that they didnt like each other and we knew it. K and I are not at that point and I dont think it will get to that point. She is my best friend, we can and do talk about everything. Her being happy means alot to me. Even if it means being apart. My happiness comes from my kids and how I will live my life.
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  #127  
Old 08-09-2010, 11:32 PM
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Well, had a great weekend with K and the kids. I have decided that I am going to enjoy what time I have with K. Make the most of what we have. There still is hope, she's not running into H's arms. It will be a little bit of time before she moves. I have to get my benefits started on the new job(thinkin positive) to cover the kids and then she will move. Then again (positive thinkin) she might stay, but I doubt it. She wants to move really bad.
I think she is thinking that moving back will solve her problems. But it won't. Never does. Perhaps we have come to a point in our lives that we(she??) need to part ways and live our lives separately. Perhaps some time apart will bring things back in perspective. I don't know the answers and I can't live in the past. So I look forward to my future and living my life to the fullest.
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  #128  
Old 08-14-2010, 12:21 AM
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Today I received the call that I have been waiting for. I start my new job on the 30th of this month. I'm so excited!. My life seems to be turning around, at least on the professional level. Now if I can get it to turn around on the personal level.
K had a phone interview today, with an employer in NV. So I'm not sure where that leaves me. I can't leave this new job, I've worked to hard to get it. We are still friends and seem to be getting along great. Talking and spending time as a family. Feels to good to be true.

I just wish I knew what she is gonna do. Makes it hard for me to not wall her out, to keep from being hurt more. She still wants to be intimate and have everything like it was. Perhaps she just wants to keep me as an option. Its getting old with the waiting game. I'm pretty sure that she is still moving. Maybe she wants to keep me interested in case things don't go well with H. Maybe all I will be is her booty call.
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  #129  
Old 08-14-2010, 01:45 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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Congratulations on your job. I'm very glad to hear the news.
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  #130  
Old 08-17-2010, 03:28 AM
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The new job is gonna be great! Everything about it is a step up!

Now the bad. K is becoming more and more distant every day. I had a great weekend with K and the little ones. But I can feel her pulling away from me. I thought I had prepared myself better for this but it still hurts.

So I'm trying to stay focused on my new career and enjoy the time that I have with my little ones. And try as I might, I feel the walls building inside(ugh!) to try and protect myself from the heartache that is coming,roaring in my head like an avalanche. I dont want to wall her out. Oops! Sorry, dwelling on the negative, not doing that!

Anyways, I will keep writing on my blog and keep you all as informed as possible. thanks for reading and any replies or insite.
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