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  #21  
Old 09-24-2012, 02:42 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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SearchingforMyself:

I am sorry you are hurting.

Quote:
I've always said Don't cheat on me and Don't lie to me - all else can be discussed. Especially since a large part of the reasons our first relationship ended was his lying to me about an encounter with one of my best friends and her husband while I was out of town.
If that is your hard limit? There it is then. It's on you to decide if you are going to enforce it by breaking up or not. He's a repeat offender.

Quote:
I began to feel disrespected and disregarded as they seemed to become carried away with NRE and began to do some things, like PDA, that we all had agreed weren't going to take place.
It does not excuse the betrayal -- lies and such. Even if you break up with him for crossing a hard limit.

But for future reference, and esp since you have another lover -- in your relationships eventually the other tier in the polymath will need expression.

When WOULD they be allowed to express these things? Was that covered?

Here's a thread that sort of goes there.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=26289

HTH!
GG
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  #22  
Old 09-24-2012, 03:03 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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It's rare that someone who isn't practised at lying can actually look you in the eye and do it well.

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Originally Posted by Polyfamguy View Post
She told me that this was the first time she has tried lying to me, and it didn't go well, and shouldn't erase over a decade of good faith.
And you believed her? Why did she feel the need to tell you that? If she volunteered it, then my hunch is that she has been lying a lot over the years.

If you hadn't seen her with the guy, would you have known she was lying? If this was her first time, she probably wouldn't be good at it. Lying is a learned skill, only sociopaths are good at it by nature. Assuming she's not a sociopath and you found her believable, then it means she's been practising her skill on you all along.

I find that whenever people are trying really hard to convince you that they're telling the truth, it's because they're lying. People who actually are telling the truth tend to feel hurt that you don't believe them. Liars just keep trying harder to convince you.

Whenever my step-daughter begins a sentence with "To be perfectly honest..." I know that the next thing out of her mouth is going to be the opposite of honesty. I've seen her do it to others enough times to recognize her pattern. That's her tell, what's your wife's?

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Originally Posted by Polyfamguy View Post
Unfortunately, my lack of trust in her over the last few weeks has caused her to start concealing everything from me in some attempt to get back at me.
Don't be so quick to assume she's concealing everything just to get back at you. She's trying to convince you she's telling the truth, while preventing you from verifying her story... well, put 2 & 2 together...

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Originally Posted by Polyfamguy View Post
She has stated she now does not trust me, because I am so suspicious and checking on her. *I feel like saying "tough shit, I don't trust you for GOOD REASON and you are going to have to put up with a level of paranoia until you can start rebuilding that trust".
Do you see how she's turning it around? She's saying she can't trust you, when it's she who cannot be trusted. She's trying to shift the blame, take herself out of the spotlight. Being suspicious and checking on her makes her not "trust" you? That doesn't even make sense. i.e. You don't trust her to tell the truth. What does she not "trust" you to do?

Going forward, you'll need actual evidence that you can trust her before you'll ever be able to. Reassurance is not evidence. You'll need to confront her and insist on open access to all her communication. If she refuses, I almost guarantee it's because she really does have something to hide.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 09-24-2012 at 03:36 AM.
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  #23  
Old 09-24-2012, 03:13 AM
SearchingforMyself SearchingforMyself is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
When WOULD they be allowed to express these things? Was that covered?
As far as PDA goes - it was always off the table for a few reasons. My family is local and already have some issues with E due to our first relationship go-around.

As far as affection in front of her daughter - that was a decision that we all agreed upon and that was open to renegotiation if/when the relationship became a reality. D didn't want to confuse her daughter at this early stage of exploring the possibility of a new relationship and I can completely understand that.

I'm not sure which tier you are referring to? Me->E? E->D? Me->D?

_______
Me: bi female
E: live-in boyfriend(?)
JP: my lover
J: JP's wife
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  #24  
Old 09-24-2012, 05:27 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SearchingForMyself
I'm not sure which tier you are referring to? Me->E? E->D? Me->D?
It doesn't even apply in their case any more if you are over E.

But later in life if you end up in a position where you have another metamour, and are learning to deal with sharing your SO with them, when WOULD you be ok with them and PDA? Just something to think about later on.

The first thing is to resolve all this mess.

Again, I'm sorry you are hurting. It stinks.

GG
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  #25  
Old 10-01-2012, 12:44 AM
SearchingforMyself SearchingforMyself is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
But later in life if you end up in a position where you have another metamour, and are learning to deal with sharing your SO with them, when WOULD you be ok with them and PDA? Just something to think about later on.

The first thing is to resolve all this mess.

Again, I'm sorry you are hurting. It stinks. GG
Thanks for the support... Things are still very uncertain around here. E has finally apologized but I still have no idea what I will do. Pondering the idea of PDA by a metamour with a SO has lead me to a couple of thought paths. I think I may post my thoughts on another thread to see if feedback sparks more thoughts.
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