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  #11  
Old 09-21-2012, 09:18 PM
Polyfamguy Polyfamguy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
The thing I found most troubling was looking you in the eye and using a loving caressing touch or physical attention to sell the lie. Pretty manipulative.
Thank you all for your responses.

Yes, this is the part that hurt the worst. I keep seeing her looking me in the eyes and caressing me while I KNEW she was lying to me.

She was OK with giving me time when I asked on Saturday, more or less. She said OK, and left it, and when she asked how much time I needed I told her I honestly didn't know but would keep her appraised as I went. It only took until Saturday night, I just need more time to identify and process my emotions.

I do intend to give her a second chance. First off, I love her. Second, we do have over a decade of commitment, love, and history with one another. She has put up with a lot of crap from me over the years as well, especially with my being poly and her starting from mono and all the heartache that has involved. She has certainly earned a second chance, but I am struggling to hit the balance between letting her know how hurt I am / acting appropriately with my feelings (rather than bury/ignore them), and letting it go so that we can move forward from here. There is certainly potential for me to just be vindictive and mean because I hurt, and I am trying to avoid that.

Thank you again.
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  #12  
Old 09-22-2012, 05:53 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I hope she uses this second chance wisely.

Why is letting her know how hurt you are and moving forward mutually exclusive? Why or how is that balanced?

I think once you get the sense she understands the depth of your pain and there a is real understand for that ...you can move forward.

If certain things change as a result. She need to work to be patient ....not the other way round. I don't think dwelling and throwing it her face is a good idea...but I dont think that's what you meant is it?

Last edited by dingedheart; 09-22-2012 at 06:00 AM.
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  #13  
Old 09-22-2012, 01:15 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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In my opinion, for poly to work, there has to be a strict "no lies" policy. This includes lies by omission. You work out very explicitly the things that are important to you both - this may be where you are, who you are with, whether or not you are having sex, etc. Different relationships require different levels of disclosure, depending on the needs of the individuals involved. Some willingly allow the partner to read emails and texts, others don't. There is no cookie-cutter way of laying this out.

So lying about anything, or omitting to talk about something that you have both agreed is important to disclose is breaking the rules of your relationship and thus, cheating.

You folks are new to poly, so this sort of thing is quite likely to happen - but it sounds like you are learning from it. We all have patterns of behaviour pre-programmed into us, and it can take some work to reprogram them - but it really has to be done in order to make this work.
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  #14  
Old 09-22-2012, 06:41 PM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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(Vix's husband here)

I'd like to echo the sentiment that I hope she appreciates the 2nd chance you're giving her (as in a super gift). I also think it would be a good idea for her to at least read over this thread if not join the board herself. Many people on the board have experience dealing with broken boundaries and are more likely to be helpful rather than just condemning and judgemental.

One of the resources Wife and I found useful was the book "After the Affair" about how to rebuild after a broken trust issue.
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  #15  
Old 09-22-2012, 09:42 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
She has certainly earned a second chance, but I am struggling to hit the balance between letting her know how hurt I am / acting appropriately with my feelings (rather than bury/ignore them), and letting it go so that we can move forward from here. There is certainly potential for me to just be vindictive and mean because I hurt, and I am trying to avoid that.

Are you saying that you are feeling like you struggle to hold that leash then?
The "I want be vindictive! Grr! You hurt me!" one?

Is that the advice you most need right now? How to keep that leash from snapping? Because ultimately you want to work it out?

You sound like you are trying hard, so kudos!

GalaGirl
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  #16  
Old 09-23-2012, 04:59 PM
Polyfamguy Polyfamguy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Are you saying that you are feeling like you struggle to hold that leash then?
The "I want be vindictive! Grr! You hurt me!" one?

Is that the advice you most need right now? How to keep that leash from snapping? Because ultimately you want to work it out?
Yes, this! I am struggling to find the place between bottling everything up (and eventually exploding in a toxic mess) and beating her up emotionally. It is one thing to want to share your feelings, but when I start doing so I keep getting into wanting to make her feel bad.

I do love her, and want to make this work. It is worth it for any number of reasons, and God knows she deserves it. She has put up with crap every bit as bad over the years (remember she started mono). But how do I get there from here?
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  #17  
Old 09-23-2012, 07:17 PM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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What worked for me was journaling and writing my feelings out. Caustic feelings are pretty much guaranteed when you feel betrayed. If I could spew the venomous stuff out in private writing (that Wife never sees), that helped me get beyond the emotional turmoil to the real underlying issue, going from "I hate you! Go die in a fire!!" to "When I'm lied to, I feel disrespected and disregarded."

That way you're not bottling up or spewing uncontrollably.
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  #18  
Old 09-24-2012, 01:44 AM
SearchingforMyself SearchingforMyself is offline
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I'm going through something incredibly similar to this thread this past week and I'm really relating to what everyone is saying - I could also use some advice and/or feedback. I've been in a relationship with E for 10 months this time around- it's our 2nd attempt. He was pursuing a new relationship possibility with a good friend of mine, D - with my blessing - under some agreed upon ground rules that did include some restrictions as she is a single mother of a pre-teen daughter who knows that E and I live together and we all wanted to keep it a bit under wraps. I began to feel disrespected and disregarded as they seemed to become carried away with NRE and began to do some things, like PDA, that we all had agreed weren't going to take place. I discussed this at length with E and was reassured that he would speak with D - in fact, he made a list of all of the items he wanted to discuss - and that if the conversation did not go well, he would end the pursuit of the relationship. This conversation occurred on an evening that he was to come home and go with me to temple for a holiday that I celebrate so he and I had confirmed that he was going to see her solely to talk, then come and pick me up. He came home and told me that they had talked the whole time, that things went well and as we were going into the sanctuary for the service he told me she had asked him to return. For a couple of reasons, he didn't go back but in his and my discussions later that evening it came up that they had talked for "95%" of the time and that they had ended with a kiss or two. I was upset that he had not told me this prior and asked what else had happened. He told me nothing else - but my gut was telling me that there was more. I pushed the issue and he admitted that they "made out" as well. He was very evasive - wouldn't meet my eyes and so I knew that there was still more. It then became that "making out" included him kissing her in areas not normally uncovered. Then it included hands down pants. At that point he still was not telling me what had occurred (something that we had agreed to when we opened our relationship) but kept telling me that nothing else happened. Long story short (probably too late) I ended up speaking with D and found out that oral had also occurred and the only reason that intercourse did not was because they ran out of time. Plus - he had also asked her not to tell me what they did. I'm devastated and feel incredibly betrayed. E has been acting like nothing has changed and now he's telling me that he wants me to stop seeing my lover so that we can work on his "tendency to lie" - I'm in a place of confusion. I've always said Don't cheat on me and Don't lie to me - all else can be discussed. Especially since a large part of the reasons our first relationship ended was his lying to me about an encounter with one of my best friends and her husband while I was out of town.

I had been told that they had agreed to go slow - and then turned around and within 10 minutes they had just about jumped into bed. They agreed to not have sexual encounters while her daughter was home and awake - and then did all of the above while her daughter was in the living room watching a movie, knowing that D and E were in the bedroom. I suppose I can understand getting carried away - but then to lie to me for 72 hours over and over and only admit to the truth when he had no other options? I'm at a complete loss...
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  #19  
Old 09-24-2012, 02:26 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Write write write! I Do that wvery time I am angry or hurt. It helps me vent out the unhealthy and helpful so that when we talk I can stay focused on the healthy, productive and healing topics.

Definitely be VERY cautious about venting the animosity to another person. Maca went that route and it blew up in his face by. Reating more issues when that person decided to mouth off nastily about me.

But, writing is good. Also, in the heat of the moment, sometimes i will go for a walk in the woods and yell all the nasty things i am thinking.
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  #20  
Old 09-24-2012, 02:32 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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There's two main ways I process.

Assuming I am not in emotional flood from the heat of the moment? (Coping with that is another way. )

1) I journal. I write it all out. Just emotional vomit it up. Spew! Get it all out.
Then set it aside.

2) Come back and try to make the less than one page bullet list.
  • I feel ___(my feelings)____ when ______(what it is)_____happens.
  • I want to feel ___(my feelings). I need you to ____(stuff)____ so I can try to do that.

Recent example with DH:
  • I feel frustrated when I am trying to tell you about something and you interrupt me in my flow and do not let me get to the end of the sentence.
  • I want to feel heard and I want to feel receptive to hearing you. I need you to wait til the end or raise your hand so I am not interrupted suddenly. Then I can feel saner about conversation with you when I am emotionally flooding and trying to stay ahead of the whooosh!

I either write it so I can speak it to him. Or I just tape it to the bathroom mirror or email it. Then he can receive it from me in the best way of the moment -- if I am too prickly to verbalize, then I send it written and articulate that way.

HTH!
GG
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