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  #11  
Old 09-19-2012, 09:42 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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#7 came about PRECISELY because we had issues with

A) "she won't let me" or "I have to ask her"

versus "we have limits against that" or "We've agreed to discuss things like this before making a decision"

&

B) because during a difficult time, he met someone and started getting to know them-as they got on well, he started venting to her when we were fighting. Which resulted in her talking trash about me.
She's not a cowgirl-but she got a completely skewed view of who I am because he was ONLY talking about us when he was pissed off.

Totally NOT healthy or functional for us or for them. Screwed up all of the polymath configurations.
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  #12  
Old 09-20-2012, 12:01 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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#7 resonates with me as well - MrS and I never discussed it explicitly but it seemed axiomatic to both of us.

I wrote a long version of my thoughts on "couple boundaries" (as opposed to "personal boundaries") in one of my blogs here:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...83&postcount=2

Perhaps I hadn't presented the boundary in the correct way to Dude - I had just recounted the conversation that I had with MrS (both of my boys have explicitly agreed to full disclosure of any/all details to be shared that I think are relevant) including the fact that MrS had proposed it and that I agreed. Perhaps he took this to mean that I had agreed reluctantly (which I had NOT...I thought it was good idea.)

All fixed now.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #13  
Old 09-20-2012, 01:55 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
. . . it turned out he actually had no idea how express liking somebody without feeling compelled to make that second date, so I came up with some things he could say - such as.

"Can I email you tomorrow? I really enjoyed spending time with you"
"I had a lot of fun and you made me laugh a lot, I need to check my schedule and hopefully we can talk soon?"
What does he say if the woman asks him on a second date? Is that when he uses your second example?
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  #14  
Old 09-20-2012, 07:33 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
What does he say if the woman asks him on a second date? Is that when he uses your second example?
I'm perfectly fine with him saying "I'd like that, but my wife and I always have a check in before we arrange second dates with people, so can I get back to you later tonight/tomorrow?" I don't really care what he says as long as he sticks to agreements he makes with any partners he has. I love knowing what current agreements people have in place with their partners that might affect me, and sharing mine with them so everybody can decide if they want to get involved. I've certainly noticed trends in the feelings on this subject from unpartnered people vs people with kids vs people who already have two or more partners. I can see how a "must check with my partner first" would make somebody wonder if this would be a situation where somebody was always going to have to "check" but a coffee or lunch date isn't always conducive to that talk (and our first dates are almost always coffee dates to save money and for easy escapes)
Our check-ins are
before second date is made
before genitals get involved
if we want the relationship to involve kink (applicable to me only, both to make sure Adam can say if he has concerns with the person, and to give a heads up that I might show up with bruises or whatnot)
to discuss if we want to change from our basic safe sex rules to anything less barriered so changes in risks can be discussed with anybody we are already dating
if we're like "hey I think I'm falling in love with this person"
before we start making plans to take a vacation with another partner or things that would be budget stretching
if we want to see somebody more than twice a week to both check how the other person feels emotionally with that, and to discuss if it would negatively impact getting our share of the housework done or other life stuff at that time.

However the second example would be smart to use - one of the second dates he made, he already had made plans with somebody else for that day so had to immediately cancel anyway (which looks flaky). If he'd waited to come home and check in, I would've reminded him when he was available to see her - since I act as his secretary for his social life and often have to trouble shoot him double booking or not showing up for something. He doesn't keep a schedule on his phone, rarely remembers to write things down on a calendar without being told to go write it down, and usually doesn't know what plans he has at any given time, but doesn't seem to have a desire to change his ways to avoid situations like that. I have thought about staying out of it entirely, but I want him to succeed, and I hate the idea of not following thought on plans, whether its a date or having to pay for a dentist visit he forgot to show up to!

I could've just responded with "yes" huh?
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  #15  
Old 09-21-2012, 06:04 PM
persephone persephone is offline
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MusicalRose, I don't think D would put me in danger again. I do think he learned from his mistake of almost five years ago. I do meet his partners, in fact, I knew R before he did, and encouraged the relationship at the beginning of it. The problem now is, I can't handle his disloyalty, can't handle him commiserating with women who trash me to him trying to gain points with him or cause trouble between us. And that is still a problem between us.

Thanks for the support, GalaGirl. I do think that D should be with just me and C for now. I don't know if you've followed my story here, but D has some pretty significant sexual dysfunction at present, and I am not happy about the idea of him adding yet more sexual partners. C is an existing relationship and I want D and C to make a go of it if they can, but I think adding another partner would be a terrible idea for D and for our relationship. We have an existing agreement that he cannot anyway, because of his sexual issues. That agreement is subject to renegotiation should things improve in the bedroom for us. Right now we're having an erratic on-again, off-again sex life that does not meet my needs, and he and C are currently not sexual (her choice, I have told them both I am willing for them to have sex together, even though his sexual dysfunction only seems to exist with me).

I know intellectually that D does not want to hurt me, but I also wonder if he is even capable of giving me what I need so badly (a loyal husband who would never ally himself with outsiders who want to cause trouble in our relationship, no matter how much NRE he's having or how good they are at manipulation). I'm quite sure he'd still be defending R's motives and ethics to his last breath if he didn't know I'd go ballistic again if he did.
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