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Old 09-28-2011, 02:31 AM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
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Unhappy NRE or falling in love?? feeling tortured!

hi all, so happy to be perusing this forum. i already feel better, but still feel like i need some insight on my situation.

here's the summary: i am a queer woman, partnered for 5 years. always thought i might be poly but got into a mono marriage with my current partner Alex, even though we are not very sexually compatible, thinking i could make it work. eventually i cheated on Alex and we re-negotiated and did a lot of work to improve our communication and open things up.

i am now seeing someone who started out as just a fuck-buddy, i'll call her Sam, but after having mind-blowing sex with Sam somewhat regularly for the past couple of months i have started developing feelings for her. i have tried my best to keep things as casual as possible without emotional ties but the more time and sex i have with her the more my feelings deepen.

now i am away on work travel and Sam has another fuck-buddy staying with her from out of town and i feel awful. i have this terrible craving/withdrawal feeling and terror that Sam is off with someone else and this whole thing has taken on this intense prominence in my mind. i have even avoided Sam's phone calls while i've been away because i've felt so vulnerable and didn't want to break down or get intense with her on the phone while she has someone else staying with her.

i'm trying desperately to try and figure out what this means, what i want, and what i should do. i read another thread about how its not really possible to feel NRE for more than one person at a time, and now i feel obsessed with the idea that maybe i am in this alone and she is off falling in love with someone else, who is somewhat more available to her since i have a lot of agreements i have to honor with my primary partner that sets a lot of restrictions on how much time i have been able to spend with Sam.

Am I just being ridiculous and obsessive? is this how NRE just is? i have talked to Alex a bit about how I am feeling but feel terrified to talk to Sam about it, for fear of totally freaking her out. She has said she is content with this arrangement, has a hard time with missing me sometimes but thinks its worth it.

help??
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Old 09-28-2011, 03:46 AM
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Try thinking about it this way. What if everything was exactly the same except you were single. What would you do and think then? It's ok to be falling for someone when you thought it was just going to be casual, it happens to people both poly and mono all the time.

The fact that she says she has a hard time missing you makes me think she won't freak out if you let her know that you might be crushing out on her just a little. Let her know that you really like her and ask if she'd like to go out for coffee sometime (you don't even have to call it a date).
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Old 09-28-2011, 04:49 AM
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I think a lot of the time, people who want to keep things casual really want to keep things casual. I am still a bit broken-hearted about a guy I was seeing who wanted it to be FWB and when I told him of the deeper feelings I had for him, he broke it off. Upsetting, to say the least. I am not projecting my relationship onto yours, but I know that around that time, I was starting to feel this frantic longing for him, it was torture when I didn't see him for a while, and when I look back on it, I see I was a bit out of control. Now I'm not sure I was falling in love with him. The sex was so-o-o-o good, probably the best I'd ever had at that point, and I was obsessed. Or possessed, maybe, LOL.

I think you should do what you can to get both feet on the ground. Use the time apart to take care of you, connect with Alex, cultivate a fuller sense of satisfaction within yourself, and get some exercise to dissipate some of your energy. Try connecting with more people around you, and do fun things that you love, so that you aren't hanging on every moment you will have with Sam as the be-all and end-all. Eventually you will just settle into a feeling of okayness. It will still be exciting, but not all-consuming if you work at it. Just try not to give in to that frenzied neediness.
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solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 09-28-2011 at 06:49 AM.
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Old 09-28-2011, 06:37 AM
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Yes I think you are obsessed. Is that a bad thing? No, I don't think so. Its what us humans do... The thing is though that the part of your obsession that says that she is yours; "how could she possibly..." or "how could this other person think that they could be near her like I am" is what needs to be addressed. She is her own person and you yours. She is not yours to keep close. You can have close moments when you are together and even over text, but she is capable and going to have them with others too. Just as you can and have.

I also suggest you concentrate on yourself and your other relationships of every kind. Its important, I think, to keep a balance of all things in life and it sounds like your balance needs a bit of re-balancing.

If I were in your situation I think I would call her up in a good moment and wish her well with her guest and tell her you will see her when you get back. Then I think I would text her every day, say hi, put lots of smileys on there and say what you are doing and wait it out until you get home and then some. I think I would go home and concentrate on what I have been neglecting as a result of the NRE of having this woman in your life and try not to obsess about her. Then I would see her for coffee, a meal, whatever and ask her how her time went and catch up... see how you feel and ease back in or pull away accordingly... if you feel like you want to ease back in I think I would then tell her what went on for you and how you feel about her and see how that goes.
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Old 09-28-2011, 05:31 PM
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Beginninglove,

How are things with Alex? He/she (?) gets only a brief mention, which centered on sexual incompatibility. I get the impression you're not happy being with Alex. I could be way off the mark, though. Who knows?

Playing with Sam seems like playing with fire. This is exactly why I don't do the fuckbudy, casual sex, thing. If the sex is good then I'm emotionally involved. If I'm not emotionally involved, the sex is no good (for me!). If it is a relationship I want, with sex included, then it's best to start out as good friends (for me!).

Maybe you can transition from sex buddies to love partners. Maybe not. But what is the deal with Alex? Where does Alex fit in to this picture?
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Old 09-28-2011, 07:19 PM
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First of all, it's not impossible to be in NRE with 2 people at the same time. Of course, unicorns in triads can feel this. I also felt it, not as a unicorn, but when I had been with my current gf for 3 mos, I met a guy and had NRE for him as well.

Just sayin.'
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Old 09-28-2011, 07:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
First of all, it's not impossible to be in NRE with 2 people at the same time.
I was going to mention this, too, but forgot. I never heard of that idea before, that you can only have NRE for one person at a time? Seems a rather ridiculous idea, as if our emotions can only be measured and parceled out a certain way. I don't even think this applies here. BL, if you were worried that Sam was feeling NRE for you and then would switch to feeling NRE for someone else, just put that idea out of your mind. First of all, you don't know what her thoughts or feelings are, if she's even experiencing NRE with anyone, and you have no control over that anyway. All you can do is take care of yourself, strive to be as stable and balanced as you can, and take care of the people in your life by listening, loving, and responding with caring. Everything else will fall into place.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 09-28-2011, 10:24 PM
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At the beginning of our V, I had NRE with my bf AND a renewed, crazy gratitude-love for my husband, for agreeing to it. I was walking on cloud nine! Even though it was an adjustment for my husband, there was no way he could deny me the happiness I was feeling. He couldn't help but feel compersion when he saw how giddy I was.

Naturally there were waves of jealousy that followed, which complicated things and often made for a nasty backlash. But we worked through that to reach another good place, again and again. We're still on the roller coaster (off topic from this post) but I just wanted to agree with NY and Mags -- NRE CAN "swing both ways." It did for me, anyway.

Glad you're here. Good support and lots of hope here, no need to feel tortured any longer. You are not alone. Welcome.
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Old 09-29-2011, 05:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Carma View Post
At the beginning of our V, I had NRE with my bf AND a renewed, crazy gratitude-love for my husband, for agreeing to it. I was walking on cloud nine! Even though it was an adjustment for my husband, there was no way he could deny me the happiness I was feeling. He couldn't help but feel compersion when he saw how giddy I was.

Naturally there were waves of jealousy that followed, which complicated things and often made for a nasty backlash. But we worked through that to reach another good place, again and again. We're still on the roller coaster (off topic from this post) but I just wanted to agree with NY and Mags -- NRE CAN "swing both ways." It did for me, anyway.

Glad you're here. Good support and lots of hope here, no need to feel tortured any longer. You are not alone. Welcome.
I am experiencing the same thing with my bf/husband right now! It's like I have NRE when I'm with either of them! @ the OP, you are definitely not alone, and I wouldn't let anyone else determine what is "possible" or "impossible" to feel about someone else. Rather, what is the best way to handle what you're feeling in a relationship? Again, I love nycindie's suggestions.
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Old 10-02-2011, 11:55 AM
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The whole falling for fuck-buddies does happen.

That's how Shannon and I got together. After we had both successfully had many fuck-buddy type relationships before. Although even then we still denied it for months (to the extent our mutual friends declared we were dating no matter our protests). Even then I didn't believe them I had "real" feelings for Shannon until a pile-up on the motorway we got tangled up in - I was putting it down to NRE, and all our mono friends just not understanding.

But, perhaps consider this a time to re-evaluate other relationships, of all sorts. Start pouring energy into them and see what happens. Re-direct some of the NRE into your long term partner, into others too. Shannon always knows when I have a new one, as the way I act changes, I become more attentive and loving, as I begin using the NRE in my other relationships.
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