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  #1  
Old 09-15-2012, 11:52 PM
karsh48421 karsh48421 is offline
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Default need some advice, newer relationship

very Recently our relationships have become sexual after two months of being in the relationship. We will call the members of our group S, J and C. C is my wife, S Is my so, J is my friend who is dating my wife and is maried to S. Right now my wife C thinks the idea of me and S together is hot, J is more ok with the sex than cuddling and kissing in the living room because the bedroom is out of sight out of mind. It feels a little weird to me but I am handing everything well and very much enjoy my time with S. S was very excited about it at first but after a couple of times she is now having issues with thinking of C and J together, and is now thinking of talking to the group and asking for a break from the sex until she can be more comfortable with it. I feel that if we take a break and continue later the same feelings will surface because nothing will be different and it will give her more time to psych herself out. The sex is not important to me. I love every minute of my time with S cuddling and talking, but still feel a break would not be beneficial to how she feels about the sex.

Does anyone have any input, or shared a similar experience? What helped calm the nerves?
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Old 09-16-2012, 03:21 PM
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jasaty jasaty is offline
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I hope someone has some input.
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  #3  
Old 09-16-2012, 03:50 PM
karsh48421 karsh48421 is offline
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jasaty = S
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Old 09-16-2012, 04:02 PM
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jasaty jasaty is offline
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I guess I could have pointed that out, thanks.
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Old 09-17-2012, 04:28 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
S is now thinking of talking to the group and asking for a break from the sex until she can be more comfortable with it.
Look, she is stating a need for a time out. LISTEN when people state their needs.

DO talk in quad. AND hear out all the OTHER people's wants, needs, and limits.

You yourself have stated a limit and a concern to air out to the quad. Maybe C and J have some things to air out of their own as you guys navigate this dating time and figure out the shape of your polyship thing over there. Not just who is romantically involved with who but how this polyship will cope with communication and conflict resolution.
  • CONCERN: I feel that if we take a break and continue later the same feelings will surface because nothing will be different and it will give her more time to psych herself out.

  • LIMIT: The sex is not important to me. I love every minute of my time with S cuddling and talking


As for this?

still feel a break would not be beneficial to how she feels about the sex.

You have not given her a chance to air out in quad to form the plan to accomplish this and how the others can support her in her personal growth.

First, there needs to be a time limit. How long is the time out gonna be? A month? Is that reasonable for all til the next check in?

What is going to be allowed in the time out time? Just cuddles? All on board?

What will S be doing to deal with her issues? Can she give examples of her plan so the others can check in and hold her accountable? So she can hold herself accountable?

To get over my weird feelings I will... (what?)

Examples:
A) Read X articles online about (poly? quads? jealousy? sex? safer sex practices? Polymath tiers and tending to each?) the things that are sticking points for her.
B) Journal my feelings out about each article.
C) Talk to my quad partners in single (vs in quad) about things I feel with each so help me sort out
D) Plan for handling my discomfort when the time out it over by ____

Stuff like that. She has to list it for herself. She may need help to ID WHERE the yucky feelings are coming from.

If she has a game plan for the time out time then YOU can feel like she's actually trying to do something rather than doing an ostrich and avoid. If she's made progress down her list by the next check in but not all there yet, the quad can chat and form the next baby step plan thing for how to best support/encourage her in the growth.

But do talk.

Communication is key.

GL!
GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-17-2012 at 04:31 PM.
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  #6  
Old 09-17-2012, 05:09 PM
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jasaty jasaty is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Look, she is stating a need for a time out. LISTEN when people state their needs.
Thank you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
DO talk in quad. AND hear out all the OTHER people's wants, needs, and limits.
I want to talk as a group, but I have a terrible time with it. It's hard for me. I don't like letting others down or them getting angry/upset with me. I know it's a part of life but I tend to beat myself up over things. I know I have to learn to not let others dictate how I feel and I am working on that. Plus, with everyone's schedules there isn't a whole lot of time where we are all home together. I know that isn't an excuse though.


Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
First, there needs to be a time limit. How long is the time out gonna be? A month? Is that reasonable for all til the next check in?

What is going to be allowed in the time out time? Just cuddles? All on board?

What will S be doing to deal with her issues? Can she give examples of her plan so the others can check in and hold her accountable? So she can hold herself accountable?
I had a time limit in mind that wasn't incredibly long. I have the answers to all of your questions, more or less, written in a note doc on my computer. I have been thinking about things and knew they would want answers and since I am terrible at speaking on the fly I wanted it written down somewhere.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
If she has a game plan for the time out time then YOU can feel like she's actually trying to do something rather than doing an ostrich and avoid. If she's made progress down her list by the next check in but not all there yet, the quad can chat and form the next baby step plan thing for how to best support/encourage her in the growth.
Thank you for all of your advice. It's nice to get an outside perspective on things. I appreciate it.
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Old 09-17-2012, 08:48 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You have to go at the speed of the slowest. If that is you, don't feel bad about that. *hug*

It is what it is.

We wouldn't yell at grandma being behind if this where about physical things right? People should not yell at you because this is about emotional things.

You feel what you feel when you feel it. You can't help that or choose it. Rain is rain. Sun is sun. Internal weather is internal weather. You can only choose how you behave in response to the emotion -- react or act with intent.

I think choosing to take a time out to think hard and make a plan is sensible.

So basically you try identify these feelings and the triggers. List possible solutions.

Next you have to be open to the trigger situation that dings ya and you feel the thing.

Then you can GET TO TRY one of your practice behavior choices IN ACTION and see how that plays out. Was that better? Worse? Work in progress?

You assess, then try again. Baby steps.
Quote:

I want to talk as a group, but I have a terrible time with it. It's hard for me. I don't like letting others down or them getting angry/upset with me. I know it's a part of life but I tend to beat myself up over things. I know I have to learn to not let others dictate how I feel and I am working on that. Plus, with everyone's schedules there isn't a whole lot of time where we are all home together. I know that isn't an excuse though.

Well, that's one of your things then. Communication and growing comfortable letting OTHERS hold their own baggage. So WHAT if they feel whatever it is? So long as you are not behaving in a terrible way at them? You are firm and polite? Then it is on them to sort out and come to terms with. Just like you are trying to own and sort out your own stuff.

Your polypeople can be supportive and encouraging but they cannot do the work FOR you. Just like YOU cannot do the work for THEM if they feel whatever when they hear what you have to say.

You still have the right to be heard in your polyship. In my universe?
  • You are RESPONSIBLE for knowing and stating your wants, needs, and limits.

People cannot be mind readers, and they have the right to full information before making decisions.

Take it one thing at a time.

GL!
GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-18-2012 at 12:15 AM.
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  #8  
Old 09-17-2012, 10:15 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I am going to echo most, if not all, that GalaGirl has said.

I tend to use different words, and this may or may not help. I don't like the term "going at the speed of the slowest", because it implies that someone is "slow" which is negative, because they need to speed up in order to catch up. To me, that's too much pressure on someone that is perhaps already feeling guilty for "ruining people's fun".

Instead I prefer the term "going at the speed at which everyone is comfortable". This means going forward in a controlled way, communicating and doing frequent check-ins to make sure that nobody is getting steamrollered and feeling like things are careening out of control.

But, it's also important for the person who is not comfortable to be able to articulate why - to get to the bottom of what is causing the discomfort, so that the group can work together to find solutions. Don't make this a solo exercise, and the group shouldn't be labelling stuff as "your problem" - if the group is going to function then one person's problem is a *group problem* that needs to be solved. While this may well be one person having time to thing about it, the rest of the group can support that person by giving them the space that they need (without pushing), and being supportive in other ways. Sometimes the group synergy can be useful, because different people process things different ways - maybe by breaking it down as a group exercise, some idea can be found that the one who is not 100% comfortable would never have thought of.

I strongly recommend each individual coming up with a set of priorities for what they want - I usually use the categories "Need", "Want" and "Like" - comparing those lists can be extremely useful in terms of understand where different folks are coming from. It can certainly spark some good discussions.
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  #9  
Old 09-18-2012, 12:16 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Instead I prefer the term "going at the speed at which everyone is comfortable". This means going forward in a controlled way, communicating and doing frequent check-ins to make sure that nobody is getting steamrollered and feeling like things are careening out of control.
Good point! I don't mean it that way but I can see where it could be taken that way -- like "slow" is somehow "bad."

It isn't.

To take it easy and go a speed all can handle? It is as you say. ALL the people have to feel comfortable, thought of, and provided for in polyship.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-18-2012 at 03:56 AM.
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  #10  
Old 09-18-2012, 12:51 AM
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jasaty jasaty is offline
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Thanks for your input, both of you. I truly appreciate all the help.

GG, you have some amazing advice. I'm going to go over all of it again when I get a few moments alone to really come up with a plan.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
To me, that's too much pressure on someone that is perhaps already feeling guilty for "ruining people's fun".
Yes. Thank you for seeing it that way. How do you let go of guilt? Specially when you have done nothing wrong.

Quote:
But, it's also important for the person who is not comfortable to be able to articulate why - to get to the bottom of what is causing the discomfort, so that the group can work together to find solutions. Don't make this a solo exercise, and the group shouldn't be labelling stuff as "your problem" - if the group is going to function then one person's problem is a *group problem* that needs to be solved. While this may well be one person having time to thing about it, the rest of the group can support that person by giving them the space that they need (without pushing), and being supportive in other ways. Sometimes the group synergy can be useful, because different people process things different ways - maybe by breaking it down as a group exercise, some idea can be found that the one who is not 100% comfortable would never have thought of.
I'm willing to hear what they have in mind that could help ease my mind. Like I said, I'm going to go through the posts again and see if I can come up with a detailed plan before bringing it to the group. Thanks for the help.
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