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  #11  
Old 09-20-2012, 06:07 PM
StrayKitten StrayKitten is offline
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I'm very okay with rearranging as needed, but H and I have hit the point of serious where I don't feel okay going two weeks only seeing her once or twice, when it kind of fits in with my schedule with D.

They're meeting Sunday, so I'm going to wait until they've met and know how they feel about the other to make too much of a fuss over it, but I greatly appreciate the input/advice!
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  #12  
Old 09-26-2012, 04:59 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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How I do it is very loose. I am solo also (not living with either of my lovers). I have my own schedule (work, school, etc.), and then it's first come, first served for the guys I'm seeing. Neither one of them tends to plan too far in advance, and neither do I unless it's something special happening, like if we need to buy tickets for it. But whoever makes plans with me first gets the date that works for us both, and then if the other wants to see me that day, I just tell him I'm not available and we schedule it for another day.

I wouldn't be able to stand it if my life was scheduled to the nth degree, but since you know that your primary has a 2-week cycle, there is some built-in predictability which does help. Do you have at least one day a week you can see him when he has his kids? Is it something that always changes or is there a pretty regular day he can meet you?

So, if I were you, I would probably designate certain days/nights for him and days/nights for her that would stand no matter what the cycle is (he has his kids or not), and then every two weeks you can let them know you are available more often for extra days with one or the other lover, but those are more loose and spontaneous. Does that make sense? It does to me, LOL. Let me know if I should explain it better.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #13  
Old 10-01-2012, 03:55 PM
StrayKitten StrayKitten is offline
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@Nycindie, that's what I've been thinking about doing, though as of last week, might not be so easy. I spent one night with my girl during a period when D has his kids, and got rather clingy and pouty with me, and after some discussion it's sounding like he's open to me sleeping with women, but not so much me dating women.

And, after some of the things I have been thinking and feeling? I don't know that I feel comfortable dating two people myself. Neither of us have really reached any conclusions yet, but that's kind of where we stand. It's so very complicated... :-/
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  #14  
Old 10-02-2012, 02:34 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StrayKitten View Post
I spent one night with my girl during a period when D has his kids, and got rather clingy and pouty with me, and after some discussion it's sounding like he's open to me sleeping with women, but not so much me dating women.
What the hell is the difference? You mean he's okay if people use your body but he feels he owns your heart? That's just bullshit and not his call to make. You are the one who is in charge of your body and heart, and it's up to him to deal with his own feelings about it. But to expect you to hold back on finding happiness and satisfaction wherever you may, just because he's uncomfortable or afraid... is tyranny.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #15  
Old 10-02-2012, 04:02 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Not that complicated. What kind of open relationship model are you seeking?

Which is it? For YOU? (Never mind him for a moment.)

Just take the first baby step of sorting yourself out to YOURSELF. What do YOU hope/seek at THIS time and at THIS place?

Because when I was younger I thought I wanted to fly like a poly solo.

Then I ended up closing down to a "V" shape dating two BFs.

Then I broke up with one and then I married one of 'em.

Now as a married, I've been Closed a long time. Only just now thinking with DH about Opening and what the next shape might be.

We humans are hardly static in Life Journey!

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-02-2012 at 04:04 AM.
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  #16  
Old 10-02-2012, 11:42 PM
StrayKitten StrayKitten is offline
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@Nycindie: That was *extremely* offensive. I feel I rather clearly stated that I am unsure how I feel about dating two people, and he is in a similar place. To have you state that it's either "bullshit" or "tyranny" is rude and hurtful. Please don't make sure sweeping statements until asking further questions about the circumstances. I was the one who brought up being uncomfortable in the first place, ***not*** him.

@GG, working that part out. More conversations must happen
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  #17  
Old 10-03-2012, 04:55 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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StrayKitten, perhaps I totally misunderstood the post of yours to which I was responding. I didn't reread the thread before Iposted, I just was responding with my reaction to that last post. However, what I wrote was simply my opinion and you don't need to choose to feel offended by it. I didn't mean to offend you at all - I was sticking up for you, in my mind.

I thought you were saying that you have a second relationship that you were excited about but your primary is only okay with it as long as it's sexual and not emotional at all. To me, that is indeed bullshit and tyranny to tell a partner they can only share their body but cannot be involved any more than that. Because it is up to each of us how much we want to get involved with someone - a partner doesn't have the right to dictate ownership of any part of us (unless there's some kind of BDSM agreement for that). To me, a partner thinking they can tell someone sex is okay but emotions are not is just like saying, "I don't mind you being used as someone's sex toy, but I don't want you having any feelings for anyone else or being treated lovingly by anyone but me." That seems like tyranny to me, but maybe you meant something else. Sorry if I got that wrong. But it's only my opinion and, like assholes, everybody's got one. I'm just an anonymous stranger on the internet, and you are living your life -- so take it or leave it, but there's no need to feel offended or call me rude.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 10-03-2012 at 04:57 AM.
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  #18  
Old 10-03-2012, 05:24 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Funny how no one should call you rude or offensive, nycindie, cause you're "just some stranger on the internet", but you seem to feel awfully justified in being prickly and defensive back to "just strangers on the internet".

Quote:
Originally Posted by StrayKitten View Post
after some discussion it's sounding like he's open to me sleeping with women, but not so much me dating women.
Sounds like he might be more comfortable with swinging or an open relationship. Adding strong emotions does, unfortunately, take what starts as a fun situation and make it sticky. Sometimes that sticky is good, even great, but it's still...sticky. And when it's a relationship, there's additional time involved as well as other complications. MC and I were "open-ish" for years before I wound up in a V with TGIB, so I'm well aware of the difference between just being physical with someone versus trying to actually date them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
What the hell is the difference? You mean he's okay if people use your body but he feels he owns your heart? That's just bullshit and not his call to make. You are the one who is in charge of your body and heart, and it's up to him to deal with his own feelings about it. But to expect you to hold back on finding happiness and satisfaction wherever you may, just because he's uncomfortable or afraid... is tyranny.
Oh lighten the hell up. She never said he told her she COULDN'T date other women, from what was posted he's not even close to the point of trying to "make a call" or hold her back. They're DISCUSSING it. You know, that thing people do to figure out everyone's feelings and if there's a good middle ground? Someone overreacting a bit, perhaps, due to the presence of certain emotions in her own relationship?
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Last edited by ThatGirlInGray; 10-03-2012 at 05:34 AM.
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  #19  
Old 10-03-2012, 08:12 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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No one has the right to tell someone else what they can or can't do. I don't think any of us here are arguing that.

StrayKitten, it's up to you to figure out how you feel about this. You know how your man feels about it. Now you need to figure out if it's something you truly want. If it's not, then go another route. Swinging, open relationship, emotionless sex basically... or monogamy... or a thousand of the other things that are out there. But if you decide you want full-on polyamory with the emotions and the whole package, you need to make sure that he is okay with that. Just as it's your right to make a decision one way or another, it's his right to choose whether or not to live with that choice. You may lose him. That's okay. You may not. That's okay too.

Just, don't bend to his will in spite of yours. That's what nycindie was getting at. As abrasive as it may have seemed, it's still true.

Sounds to me like you may not be polyamorous, so this is a non-issue.
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  #20  
Old 10-04-2012, 08:45 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
Funny how no one should call you rude or offensive, nycindie, cause you're "just some stranger on the internet", but you seem to feel awfully justified in being prickly and defensive back to "just strangers on the internet".
I didn't say "no one should." I said the OP didn't need to, and I simply explained the reasoning behind my other post and apologized if I had misunderstood. I would hardly call further explanation and an apology "prickly and defensive;" nor would I say I felt "justified" to say anything. I might not have visited that thread for another week or more, so it's not like I was incredibly motivated to respond again. I have no reason to be defensive. I was simply surprised, when I did see it, that the OP found what I wrote "offensive and rude," so I wondered if I'd misunderstood the issue. In that light, I felt an explanation was perhaps in order, and I apologized. But since you have a problem with pretty much anything I post anyway, your opinion about me doesn't add up to much.


Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
Oh lighten the hell up. She never said he told her she COULDN'T date other women, from what was posted he's not even close to the point of trying to "make a call" or hold her back. They're DISCUSSING it.
Oh you lighten up. No need for such bitchiness. The OP stated in her first post that she has a girlfriend and a primary. She's trying to manage a schedule for both of them and then comes back and says that her primary got "clingy and pouty" and that he seems to only approve of them sleeping together but not dating, so "it might not be so easy" for her to work out a schedule. It doesn't really matter where they are in discussing it, I offered my opinion, which is what she came to the internet for, and has the choice of discarding or not, as she sees fit. If I was wrong in my assessment of the situation, I explained where I was coming from and apologized for the misunderstanding. My explanation and apology didn't really warrant any further debate from anyone, but you go ahead and grind it into the ground if that floats your boat.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
Someone overreacting a bit, perhaps, due to the presence of certain emotions in her own relationship?
Huh? That doesn't even make any sense to me. I don't have a primary telling me whom I can or cannot date. And I have enough experience to know when to separate shit from my own life when looking at someone else's shit. Your attempt to hurt me with that last remark has failed.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 10-04-2012 at 08:48 PM.
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