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  #81  
Old 08-09-2010, 05:30 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Last night after a day of family fun with Redpepper, Polynerdist, their son, her brother and his girlfriend and her parents, Redpepper asked me to spend the night on their couch. It was not pre-arranged with Polynerdist and I did not want to encroach on their morning. I have a need for them to have "their" time.
I thought I was doing the respectful thing by leaving.

So I left, but before leaving Redpepper and I were "amorous" in the living room. Well, I texted her when I got home to tell her how hot our display of amory was. I sent the text to Polynerdist by mistake.

Needless to say, although we have all been together for 20 months, this is still not appropriate. I felt some very old feelings come up and was sad because I hurt Polynerdist. My mind flashed back to having an affair and that feeling of doing something wrong with another man's wife. So I stayed up until 4 in the morning mulling over why I felt guilty for having sex with the woman I love in a poly relationship. I felt that I tried to be respectful by leaving and ended up disrespecting Polynerdist more.

I got to sit down with him and apologize in person this evening. I hate the idea of hurting him and confirmed that I need to be a positive in their lives. He was incredibly understanding as always and we hugged. I told him I love him and that he is family to me. I feel better now.

Their relationship is my primary concern.

Lesson learned....I'm going to make mistakes but dealing with them openly without drama and in person are the way to get past them quickly and deepen bonds as opposed to diminishing them.
Not only that we broke and old boundary agreement that I hadn't thought still existed!; "no sex while nerdist is sleeping in the next room."

I didn't think this was still valid since we agreed to this at the beginning of our relationship 20 months ago, so I actually forgot about it entirely! Ya, no, still on..... my bad. He wouldn't of known if it weren't for the misplaced text! yet, it happened that he did. How many old boundaries have we broken just because they are old? How many have we been lax on in our ability to keep them because we broke them so often? I don't even know?! I can't remember what ones there are anymore and what ones are valid!

Note to self and others:
check on where boundaries are at quite often.... they may not seem valid cause they are old, but really they are still.

It turns out that all was okay, even if he would still like that particular boundary respected. Still, I feel very badly about having broken it without really realizing. I guess we need a boundary over haul.
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  #82  
Old 08-12-2010, 04:12 AM
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A lesson learned for me is that most people coming into poly go through a time of casual sex and promiscuity. It seems that quite often it's kind of a breaking of the damn, so to speak... especially those who have been in long term relationships for a time. Whether it be in terms of swinging, cheating, or meeting, dating and having sex with many people, it seems to be a bit of a rite of passage for some. Of course there are those that stay in that and embrace it as they are the type that see sex as recreation and are not connected to it ever time. Others seem to go through a phase *cringe to that word* and come out the other side having found someone or realizing that they want something more permanent and steady.
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Last edited by redpepper; 08-12-2010 at 04:26 AM.
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  #83  
Old 08-12-2010, 04:16 AM
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Laughing and not taking it all so seriously is a good thing in poly. We aren't always on the last step before jumping into oblivion.... did I mention before that drama and poly don't mix? Heed this advice, needless drama is a relationship killer
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  #84  
Old 08-12-2010, 04:17 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Laughing and not taking it all so seriously is a good thing in poly. We aren't always on the last step before jumping into oblivion.... did I mention before that drama and poly don't mix? Heed this advice, needless drama is a relationship killer
I have to say that I appreciate that you think it's a good thing to not take it all seriously, I have a hard time taking anything but the most serious things seriously!
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Old 08-14-2010, 12:25 AM
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Z is searching online for a local friend to replace his office coffee/movies gal pals now that he is working from home. This is part of a response he received
I think that you and Sage have not yet met anyone who completely rocks your world... somebody who haunts the wakefulness of your sleep and the sleep of your wakefulness. Somebody whose skin you want to crawl inside of and completely immerse yourself in their love. My theory is that you are 'just not that into' each other.


Of course I had to immediately jump on line and give her my opinion. I even blogged about it. But now sitting back as it all settles I realise that, yes we do have all that stuff, just not 24/7, because after a couple of years living together that would be downright annoying.

What she's talking about is largely NRE and that is why she is probably still on a dating site after ten years.
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  #86  
Old 08-17-2010, 07:28 PM
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Red face Assume NOTHING

While with Mr. A last night, the condom broke. We both heard/felt it happen and he pulled out immediately. He hadn't had an orgasm.

I was ... panicked. Indigo made that boundary VERY clear. I knew it was an accident, but was dreadfully afraid he'd be upset, because when he and I explored the reasons for the rule many months ago, it boiled down to "no condoms is reserved for me" (ie assume other party is clean, and I'm not getting pregnant).

I knew if he was upset, that he'd realize logically that is was an accident, and then come to terms with it, but I was very, very panicked about even hurting him.

So, he got home. I sat down with him, nearly in tears and told him what happened and what Mr. A and I did. He said, "Oh. Well, accidents happen."



I cried in relief. He wasn't the tiniest bit upset. He explained that he'd only be upset if we either hadn't stopped, or hadn't used a condom in the first place. Those are grounds for a full stop.

So as major events often precipitate, I started thinking. Today, I asked him if there was a time when it would be okay for me to become fluid-bonded to another partner. He thought for a bit, then said he trusted Mr. A, trusted me to keep him safe, and Mr. A may now be included if I felt comfortable with him.

So ... Yeah. Like, a 180 for me.
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  #87  
Old 08-17-2010, 07:36 PM
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A may now be included if I felt comfortable with him.

So ... Yeah. Like, a 180 for me.
All hail the fluid bonding!! Enjoy your new freedom TP
I know fluid bonding is not important to everyone but it's practically essential for me to lose myself in those moments. Good to hear.
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  #88  
Old 08-17-2010, 08:36 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
All hail the fluid bonding!! Enjoy your new freedom TP
I know fluid bonding is not important to everyone but it's practically essential for me to lose myself in those moments. Good to hear.
I have to admit, it's extremely important to me... But not something I otherwise would've felt confident broaching with Indigo for a while yet.

Communication, yeah!
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  #89  
Old 08-17-2010, 08:46 PM
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Good for you speaking up right away. That happened to me once and I didn't think anything of it. I told only told Mono and NP and my tersiary when the man I was with got really angry that I hadn't said anything. Oops, my bad. That was a better course of action. Good for you.
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  #90  
Old 08-18-2010, 11:48 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Default No lies, not even to "protect"

This one is from a little bit back, but I didn't get a chance to post it. Also, I know I use words like "allowed", but please don't read that in the negative way it comes across. I can't think of a shorter way to say, "boundaries we have negotiated and agreed upon."

Shortly after Mr. A and I dropped the L-bomb, we had our first opportunity to be at my place.

As the evening wound down, Indigo came home and the three of us had ice cream together. (Mr. A had brought it, to "placate my uterus" because I was PMSsy. )

It was time for Mr. A to leave, so I walked him to the door and we said our goodbyes, which included a whipered "I love you." Mr. A was a little enthusiastic in his declaration of this, because he wasn't particularly quiet. There was also a some giggling, because we were both giddy.

Mr. A left, I went back to the livingroom to sit with Indigo. He made a comment about us being whisper pusses, which I knew meant he was uncomfortable with it. (Frankly, I had been too ... but he and I hadn't actually laid out boundaries for "transitions", ie. one person leaves/arrives while the other is there.)

Dilemna ... Indigo did not know that we'd said "love" yet ... It was so new that I was still getting used to how it felt. I did intend on telling him, if that was something he wished to know. While I knew it was just fine for me to love, I wasn't sure what he wanted to know, emotionally. (I'm allowed to have sex, but Indigo certainly doesn't want those details!)

So, I hadn't yet told him that we'd said I love you, didn't know how he would react, he was feeling insecure because we'd been whispering, and I'd been stupid enough to venture into a grey area AND say "I love you" in his general vicinity. (20 feet around a corner from him with the TV on.)

Clearly, the best solution? LIE! I told Indigo that I had just said to Mr. A that I'd had a wonderful evening, and I'd whispered because I wasn't sure if that was something he wanted to overhear. Indigo asked what Mr. A said. I told him Mr. A had said the same thing. I apologized for whispering, and said I was sorry, because I didn't know what to do for the "transition."

We left things at that, with a little extra TLC for Indigo. I was feeling hella guilty, even though I did intend on coming clean when I had sounded out the emotional "want to know" boundaries.

Indigo started having nightmares, which happens when he's stressed. There were a number of stressors in life at this point, most of which didn't pertain to our poly. But I had a sinking feeling.

A couple days later, I worked up the courage to ask Indigo if he wanted to know when the L-bomb drops. He replied, "You've already said it, haven't you?" I told him we had, and he was upset. He told me he thought he'd heard Mr. A say that the night he was over. I asked why he hadn't called me on my lie and he said he thought he was just being paranoid and wanted to believe me.

So yeah ... The impact my lying had on him was a LOT worse than the fact that Mr. A and I now loved each other. MUCH discussion and apologies on my part ensued. We did work it out, and surprise, the nightmares stopped. *sighs at own stupidity*

Lesson learned:
Don't freaking lie, even if it's with the best possible intentions. It's still a breach of trust. You're a moron for it.
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