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  #61  
Old 07-01-2010, 03:27 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by solarwindsfly View Post
NRE? I am lost again sorry....
New Relationship energy....
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  #62  
Old 07-01-2010, 03:32 AM
solarwindsfly solarwindsfly is offline
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This has to be the best poem i've read about people in abusive situations... may I use it in another forum for people whom have been abused?
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  #63  
Old 07-01-2010, 03:35 AM
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This has to be the best poem i've read about people in abusive situations... may I use it in another forum for people whom have been abused?
If you are talking about the one I posted, sure. I stole it from someone who stole it from somewhere else. i would gladly reference it, it is plain brilliant.
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  #64  
Old 07-01-2010, 05:57 PM
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Mono/poly relationships seem to be a whole other kettle of fish than mono ones or poly ones. There seems to be a continuum of both... mono on one side and poly on the other. Discussion around that seems to be of utmost importance. Where are you at on the scale? would be a good question to ask.

Sometimes it seems that people can be way on the side of mono and the other way over the other side of poly. This makes for a relationship dynamic that is different again than just mono or just poly. There are different rules and boundaries required and different abilities to manage ones love life.
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  #65  
Old 07-03-2010, 06:50 PM
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I have noticed on my poly journey that my spending time with one of my partners or them spending time with theirs means that the others give of themselves selflessly. The amount we give each other is phenominal compared to other relationship styles and lifestyles.

Either they give their time in the form of childcare, money to pay for child care, clean the house where I am not able or they are not, pay bills where I am not able, arrange and carry through family responsibilities, think ahead to others needs or particular comforts and generally be the holder of grounding in the face of emotional turmoil.

Unlike mono relationships where a couple do everything together more often and only think of the unit of two, poly relationships demand that we think of everyone, even if they are not our lovers. It means that everyone should be remembered and thought of.

What are their needs, what do they require to make their relationship work and be happy? What has my partner forgotten about in creating a better relationship with their partner? What can I do to free up time to be with someone or allow them time to be with someone else? What extras can I give to my partners without jepordizing my own needs and that of others? Where is the boundary of how much I can give before I give too much or my giving is creating a privacy issue for my partners?

These are all questions that go through my head daily if not hourly. They aren't framed in such a way as to not demand or be selfish, but are ones of what can I do to give to others. There is nothing I like more than to see what my giving has created in others lives. The pay back is when I notice what has been given to me in love, respect, caring, compassion and particular thought and action that is specific to my needs and comfort.
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  #66  
Old 07-03-2010, 11:32 PM
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One of the Lessons that I have learned relate directly to the success of our .....sigh..tribe for lack of a better word. It is not a blanket key to success because everyone's poly is different. If some one is looking for more of a poly network of casual partners or maintains a DADT policy then it is essentially a null and void concept. If some one wants long term more integrated structures then I believe it is essential.

When considering our individual wants and needs we think beyond the affect on our immediate partner and consider the affect on their other partners as well.

I call this Extended Consideration.

It requires us to ask ourselves several questions including:

- How will what I want/need affect my partner's partners?

- Is what I want fair to the partners of my partner?

- How would I feel and be affected if the same request was made by one of their other partners?


This idea requires a genuine concern for all partners and is in direct conflict with the concept of "I am not responsible for your happiness" or the idea of completely separate relationships. It is in fact taking the happiness of other partners into account and often placing that ahead of our own.
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  #67  
Old 07-06-2010, 01:31 AM
drgnsyr drgnsyr is offline
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Reading through this thread there were two lessons that just jumped out at me as "Yes, this!"

6. Everything needs to be talked about. Nothing can be assumed. What is obvious to one may be a complete mystery to others.

This was pretty much THE problem I had with my ex. "No, it never occured to me that mentioning how I am attracted to a friend of ours would upset you?" "No, I genuinely DON"T UNDERSTAND why the thought of me having sex with someone else bothers you." "No, it's not obvious. Being jealous about these sorts of things isn't something I just got over or repressed. I know society says everyone feels that way, but I don't. You have to TELL me what is bothering you because it isn't obvious to me." The new boyfriend has almost all the same issues as the last one, but now I finally understand the "jealous" reactions because he has painstakingly explained them to me over and over until I found a way to relate.

So I really just wanted to second this one a lot. Also:

10. Being out is super-important. People pick up on secrecy and defensiveness and reasonably conclude something sketchy is going on

The new beau and I discovered this one the hard way. I sort of ... converted his marriage from very closed to poly. It was a big transition so at first, his wife really didn't want us to be out about it while she was still getting used to the idea herself. So we didn't tell anyone, but we were still clearly very into each other - even though we weren't kissing in public or admitting he was my boyfriend. The result was some rather vicious rumors about him being a cheater that took months to track down and clarify (even after we finally did come out).

So while the mantra of "it's noone else's business" makes sense, realize it's an idealistic fantasy. Your friends consider your life their business and if you don't tell them what's going on, they will jump to conclusions - and probably pass those conclusions on to other people as fact.
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  #68  
Old 07-06-2010, 01:37 AM
drgnsyr drgnsyr is offline
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There's a difference between rules and boundaries, I think, at least in my view of things. A boundary is a first person policy: "I won't have sex unless I love the other person," or "I won't date someone who refuses to use a condom." A rule is a second person policy: "You can't have sex with Jimmy," or "You may not take Paula to our favorite restaurant." I think a polyfi family and a gaggle of swingers (what word should I have used?) can wind up with rules, or boundaries, or both.

And the difference can often seem purely semantic, but can make a huge difference psychologically. My ex and I had rules ("These are the things you won't do. These are the things you will get permission for"), and their very existence made me resentful - even when there weren't any opportunities I was missing out on as a result of their existence. My current beau has told me all the things that would hurt him (and why). I have decided that I do not want to do anything that would hurt him and as a result haven't really felt any resentment worth noting (I mean, there are always moments - but there are also moments when I resent everyone who knows me because I just want to run away. They are rare and pass quickly). Ultimately, the restrictions are almost identical. Hell, at the moment my actions are actually more limited than they were with the ex, but they are limitations I have chosen, not that are being imposed on me. Does that make sense?
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  #69  
Old 07-06-2010, 03:43 AM
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Drgnsyr- I get your boundaries and rules idea. I guess why we, in our relationship structure, call them boundaries is because we make requests of each other. Similar to the boundaries we hold for ourselves. "I would feel much better about you going out if you texted me to tell me you love me and that everything is okay." "I would appreciate your holding off on becoming intimate with Jane until I have caught up emotionally." These requests are designed to entice a partner to do the right thing by us.
We are not children who need rules like "no hitting," but we are also not capable as humans to read each others minds and fully empathize. We need to remind each other what it is like to walk in each others shoes and how we want to be treated.

The pay off is that we are happier and then that makes our partners happier and then everyone is happy and everyone gets to be with one another in that happiness rather than being miserable, going underground for what we need and perpetuating misery and sorrow on everyone in our lives.
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  #70  
Old 07-08-2010, 01:08 PM
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Some of the things that I have learned that have changed my life the most are things about myself.
Since getting back together with tala, and for the first time trying it out living in an open, honest, truthful, trusting, and accepting environment, I've discovered just how much of myself I was hiding, and how much of my behaviors I was modifying to keep my "friends" happy. But I also learned why I wasn't happy.. see preceding sentence.
The best and most wonderful thing I've learned from/about Polyamory is just how much love is floating around in my world, and how great it is to share it, give it, get it, and relish it. I am, at 42 years old, finally happy with my life.
I thank my loving wife for that.. if not for her I'd have been to scared to really give it a go.
Dang, it's good to be me, finally!
So what have I learned, most importantly, from Polyamory?
That I like myself a lot, when I AM myself.
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