Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #41  
Old 06-16-2010, 04:13 AM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,604
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Taking things with a grain of salt seems to be the best policy and eases the tension of drama... things have a way of working themselves out with time and aren't as troublesome as they originally appear.
Although it can be easy to lose sight of the big picture when you are in the middle of a situation. I for one tend to over react to things that really end up not being a big deal. Although I've found that if I can talk about what's bothering me at length it usually ends up not bothering me so much after I've put it out there. It's probably not the best tactic to avoid drama since my talking tends to be pretty messy with the tears and the moods, but bottling it up is so much worse. Hmmm that went on a bit of a tangent!
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old 06-16-2010, 04:41 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Derby, I am talking more along the lines of the one that is not struggling so much and is witnessing the "drama."

Drama is much needed so as to move forward and establish comfort in a relationship... it's valid and vital to the emotional health of a relationship and a tribe. I certainly have my fair share of causing drama, but when I am left to plug along figuring out what the fuck is going on for me, all the while knowing that my loves are there to talk and listen if needed then I will get through it. That usually takes them taking on the attitude I am talking about in my post. I need to know that they are taking me with a grain of salt in someway and letting the muddle sort itself out.

I get your point however.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old 06-17-2010, 05:41 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default The Power of Venting

Throughout mine and Redpepper's relationship we have learned a lot about how we both work and communicate. One of the things we learned is that I have a tendency to take in information that causes me concern, perseverate about it for a while and eventually spew it out in the form of a vent. The time in between hearing the information and venting is essentially time that she loses the depth of my connection. It is basically the subconscious withdrawal of my energy resulting in her getting less of me. If amplified with other issues it can become a relationship threatening situation.

Recently I got some concerning information and instead of holding back I just let it out. I process pretty quickly now and my vent was right there, all ready and right to the point. I think I was quicker to vent because there seemed to be a build up of things and my ability to withhold was diminished. Regardless, the result was positive. I'm not holding onto any unspoken thoughts, my concerns were raised with full bluntness (although I always regret some things I say when I rant). Yes I withdrew my connection and energy in that moment but then I felt it seeping back out very soon after I had finished.

By identifying that this is a process I go through and being both aware of why it happens we can work through things much faster. By identifying that vents are fuelled and influenced by strong emotion it helps take the surprise factor out of them.

In the end, she gets more connection and energy from me and I am much more consistently stable and healthy. I think I will actually just say this in the future "Here's my rant, prepare yourself, it'll be over shortly and then we can get back to our regularly scheduled Lovin!"
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old 06-17-2010, 06:12 PM
Lost421 Lost421 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 33
Default

I think constant and open communication of feelings (good AND bad) and jealousies should be a lesson that stands on its own. If we don't communicate our wants, needs, frustrations etc. in a poly relationship the hurts can pile up really fast and turn something good into a train wreck.

NRE is such a great feeling! But you need to keep a tight rein on it and learn to recognize when you're decisions are being affected by NRE and remember to think about your other responsibilities (and relationships) and the responsibilities of the person you are seeing (depending on what kind of poly relationship you are part of). Also, relationships formed in the haste of NRE can often end just as quickly when difficulties arise. I've learned that taking things slow is the best policy.

Compromise is the name of the game in ANY relationship Especially in a poly relationship. 'nuff said.

R
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old 06-17-2010, 08:12 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

The flip side of open and honest communication is also to not be a selfish reciever of communication.

I am not always going to hear what I am wanting to hear and I am not always going to have things my way. I cannot expect to be a poly princess and get everything my way. When I am able to give, give, give in the form of listening, accepting, empathizing and making sure that not only I get my needs met but am able to give to the needs of others then I get the best value out of my relationship.

This means not creating something out of a rant or a vent too. I find it much more helpful, healthy and comfortable to let some stuff go when I receive communciation. Often times my partner is in the process of going through something, coming to terms with something or just blowing off steam. Its not always necessary to blow what they say out of proportion or become threatened. Often times its all in the moment and later when I ask how its going it isn't an issue any more, or much lessened.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #46  
Old 06-17-2010, 08:24 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Its not always necessary to blow what they say out of proportion or become threatened. Often times its all in the moment and later when I ask how its going it isn't an issue any more, or much lessened.
Nice point, Lilo
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #47  
Old 06-17-2010, 09:15 PM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,604
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

This means not creating something out of a rant or a vent too. I find it much more helpful, healthy and comfortable to let some stuff go when I receive communciation. Often times my partner is in the process of going through something, coming to terms with something or just blowing off steam. Its not always necessary to blow what they say out of proportion or become threatened. Often times its all in the moment and later when I ask how its going it isn't an issue any more, or much lessened.
I tend to be a venter. I need to let things out when they're bothering me and usually as soon as they are out I'm feeling better about things. I'm trying to remember when I am venting to let the recipient of the vent know in advance that I'm working through things by venting and it will make things better. I don't use nasty language or call names but I do cry a lot. Once it's done it's done though and I feel calm and open again.

-Derby
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #48  
Old 06-17-2010, 09:21 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
I tend to be a venter. I need to let things out when they're bothering me and usually as soon as they are out I'm feeling better about things. I'm trying to remember when I am venting to let the recipient of the vent know in advance that I'm working through things by venting and it will make things better. I don't use nasty language or call names but I do cry a lot. Once it's done it's done though and I feel calm and open again.

-Derby
I'm one of those "The sky is falling" types. But again, usually as a result of an accumulation of things. I sometimes see some relationships like fine "china"..immensely valuable but extremely fragile. So you want to experience them but don't want to break them either.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #49  
Old 06-17-2010, 10:54 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Oh I am just evil. I am a red head after all.

Stomping around, slamming things down, yelling profanities, sarcasm, name calling. I think my motto is "rant hard or go home."

Thankfully I am quicker to let stuff slide and can emathize quickly. So I don't do this often. I tend to be unsatisfied with not liking people or things happening and look for ways out of the "dislike" feeling. I'm quick to go with whatever posative someone can offer.

It usually ends in tears or laughter... Laughter with those that are able to just let me go and crack a joke to ease the ranting. I only rant at all with those I feel most comfortable with. Not just anyone.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #50  
Old 06-19-2010, 05:54 AM
Dragonmom Dragonmom is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: ontario canada
Posts: 28
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post


8. There is a big difference between people who people who are poly cause they like to fuck everything that moves and those that are poly because they like to loooooooove everyone and feel cozy in their connections when they do it.
i didn't read all the other replies but this one applies 100% why i have become poly. though my life i have always been a grass is greener on the other side of the fence kinda girl. just never knew why till recently. Its not the sex at all, its the meeting someone new and wanting to explore that while still holding on to the current relationship i might be in at the time.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boundaries, communication, foundations, guidelines, ideas, introduction, jealousy, learning, lessons, mono/poly, rules, veto, veto power

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:25 AM.