Poly Lessons We've Learned

[redpepper]

do you think he has done this? regurgitated what others have said? I didn't think so, it sounds like he speaks from experience to me.. his ideas are very complete and reasonable no?

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by redpepper

do you think he has done this? regurgitated what others have said? I didn't think so, it sounds like he speaks from experience to me.. his ideas are very complete and reasonable no?

He's got great ideas actually in my opinion. I'm just tainted by his anti mono rhetoric...it's a sore sport for me no matter how he wraps it in the concept of abundance versus scarcity. As soon as a person slams another outlook I shut off to them. I could go to town on the poly community to further my argument for monogamy but why would I have to? What would be my motivation? Because poly ideals threaten or cast judgement on my own? I don't feel that way and so I have no reason to speak about poly in a negative way. Like I said..great advice to make a poly relationship work

[redpepper]

After much discussion and reading, this is what I have come up with.

Poly is about building a foundation of empathy, respect, integrity and honest communication.

Without one of these pillars, the whole thing falls.

If I look at every situation I find myself in, in regards to my partners and discover that I am operating from all of these pillars I know it's a good move. If I don't then I need to move towards how I can make get back to these four.

[Tonberry]

I would argue that this is true of any relationship, actually. Possibly moreso with poly because miscommunications are more likely, though.

[Derbylicious]

I originally posted this in my blog. It seems appropriate to share here too.

I've been doing a lot of reading on the forums for the past couple of days and it struck me how far I've come in my journey. There are things that I see people struggling with that not long ago I was struggling with too. So what have I learnt over the past 8 months?

1. Being happy with what you have is far easier than wishing for a life you think would be perfect.
2. There is enough love to go around.
3. You don't have to be best friends with a metamour but being friendly with them is a definite bonus.
4. If you don't talk about it don't expect your partner(s) to know what's going on in your head.
5. If you're coming from a place of caring and respect your instincts are probably right.
6. Jealousy has a reason behind it, it takes self work to get to that reason, but understanding yourself is so worth it.
7. Communicating things in more than one way has it's benefits.
8. My partner's other relationships and what they do in the context of those relationships have nothing to do with my relationships with my partners.
9. All the turmoil was temporary. Knowing that now I expect all future turmoil to be temporary as well.

To all of you who are in the midst of the struggle there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Once you've embarked on this journey your life isn't likely to return to the normal you used to have but you will find a new normal with peace and joy and love.

[redpepper]

Had to repost this as it is a shining example of lessons for a mono/poly relationship

Originally Posted by monolicious

What have I gained from my husband going poly?

1. Firmer identity and understanding of my own relational needs/style. I'm very much mostly mono.
2. Openness- Notice I now say "mostly mono". That is my preferred, natural, comfortable mode. However, I suddenly find myself feeling more open to all sorts of relationships. I think this is due to two things 1) my husband's role modeling as a poly and the joy he exemplifies 2) lack of fear that other relationships will somehow mess up my marriage.
3. Better communication.
4. Better sex (even when his SO has stolen the bone- we just get more creative
5. More trust- every time my husband honors my boundaries without batting an eye, I trust him more.
6. A Happier Husband
7. Seeing aspects/sides to my husband that come out in his other relationships.
8. Sense of Independence and Personal Strength.
9. Learning to ask more for what I want/need. Standing up for my own relational needs.
10. More experiences to write from

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I don't believe making yourself get over jealousy or any emotion is the way to go. You need to work on yourself to get over strong emotions.

Finding yourself a lover is not the way to do it either. You can't make yourself be poly. If you are you are, and if you aren't you aren't. End of story... Finding a lover so that your husband and you can be equal is just adding more drama to the situation...more separateness, less togetherness.

It isn't a competition either. Just because he has a lover, doesn't mean you have to be equal. You are you and he is himself. You are different and unique in your own way. Respect that and love each other for that. That in itself is a way to get over your jealousy... learn to love you and learn who you are. That way when you are jealous you can rely on yourself to get through it and not him. Walk through your feelings and learn not to fear them but welcome them and embrace the lessons they bring.

just wrote this on another thread, but thought it was worth remembering.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by sage

I love the saying "If you have to move a primary says when do we leave, a secondary says when can I visit and a tertiary says it was nice while it lasted.

great way of understanding the differences.

[Ragabash]

As someone who has recently had a mono-turned-poly relationship fall apart, I thought I'd give some advice to those people on, or just joining, the forum who are thinking about introducing polyamory to their existing relationship.


Introducing poly

Don't lie to yourself

If there are already problems in the relationship, polyamory is either going to temporarily distract from them or make them worse, but it won't fix them. If you think it will, you're lying to yourself. If you think your relationship will be the exception to that, you're lying to yourself even more.

Don't lie to your partner

Tell your partner exactly what you're feeling and exactly what to expect. If you have different roles in mind for each partner, be honest. Lying by omission is still lying, and in this case one of the worst forms.

Don't use emotional blackmail

“I don't want to cheat on you, but I'm worried if I can't date other people I will” is not something you should ever say. By saying that you're attempting to force your partner to accept something they might not want for fear of losing you, and it will hurt the relationship and their ability to trust you.

Your partner's fears are legitimate

This is the one I cannot stress enough. Even if the fears seems outlandish and paranoid to you, they are legitimate because that is what your partner is going to be watching for as the signs that something is wrong. Your partner might never lose them fully, so you'll have to be prepared to do whatever you can to calm them, very likely for the duration of the relationship.

Always remember that this is something your partner didn't want

If you are introducing polyamory to an existing relationship, keep in mind that you're changing the relationship right in the middle of it, and drastically so. You're asking your partner to accept something huge that they will have to justify to friends and family, and potentially alienate or lose them over. Someone willing to do that for you clearly loves you very deeply and you should always try and show your appreciation for it Being the mono in a poly relationship is not easy, it's frequently very lonely and painful, and poly people need to show that they are thankful for their partner accepting that, even before a second relationship begins.


After you find your second relationship

Remember that NRE is like a drug, so treat it like one

In the glow of a new relationship, it will be all too easy not to see the problems that are cropping up with your older one. Your judgement will be clouded and off, so you need to keep in mind that you might not be thinking clearly and things might not be as rosy with your older relationship as you think they are. Find ways to give yourself the occasional reality check.

Give both relationships 110%

It will be all too easy and tempting to focus more on your new relationship, and you won't always know that you're doing it. You might not be able to give both relationships equal time and attention, but both partners need to feel loved and appreciated. Try your hardest to make that happen, and watch for even the most subtle clues that someone is feeling neglected. If you think they might be feeling that, they probably are.

Your partner bending over backwards to accommodate is a very bad sign

Your partner might show signs of feeling neglected by trying extra hard to make you happy, giving up on previously established rules and such to what you wanted. This might seems like a good sign, that they're opening up to the poly lifestyle, but more likely than not they're trying to make you happy in hopes of getting some of your attention. They might not even know that they're doing it, either.

Never give you partner cause to compare your relationships

If your partner notices you'll do things with one partner and not with them, this is a very bad sign. That could be a sign that one of your partners is becoming a secondary, and if that person is your older partner that will be a very painful experience, especially if they are mono. If both partners show an interest in some activity, take time to do it with both, and separately.

Don't push your mono partner to find another relationship

If you do this, someone, and possibly more than one person, it going to get hurt. That's just the way it is.

Don't cut off your partner

If all the sex you're having is with one partner, you're hurting the neglected partner very deeply and harming the relationship. This cannot be stressed enough.

[lovemultiplied]

I just wanted to say that I am loving this post.....