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  #11  
Old 05-28-2010, 08:04 PM
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Default incorporating the family

Hi Red Pepper

My partner is the the second kind of poly and your post got us discussing his children. In a few weeks his secondary will be coming to stay with us for a weekend. She would like to meet his children who only come and stay with us alternate weekends and school holidays. We will sort it by just arranging a short visit but the point is that if she were to come when they are here he feels he would not be able to be affectionate with her. Why? Because he is afraid that his ex would not approve and would not want the children to be exposed to this kind of "lifestyle".

I would love to know how others deal with their poly lifestyles and their children? Z's kids are currently 10 and 11 and have been brought up in a very traditional way.

Thanks

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  #12  
Old 05-28-2010, 08:59 PM
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Quote:
NRE that involves multiple partners can be a flat out train wreck of steam rolling pace and subconscious disregard for reality
^I'm pretty sure I've never heard truer words before, hahahahaha. I can't even begin to express how hilarious this is to me because, it's true.

The biggest lesson I've personally learned, is selflessness in the purest form. Selflessness as defined by giving a higher consideration and awareness for people and things(in this case people you love) other than what you give yourself at all times. some examples:

-Can I have that? "no, i want it" -selfish
-Talk to me, i want you to let me in! "no, leave me alone" -selfish
-I felt hurt when you I called you and really missed you, and you sounded cold and distant on the phone. "I don't care" - selfish

Without a loss of self-love and self-respect I've managed to be able to consider my loved ones in all state of minds, and react according to my love for them. If i'm mad, I try to calm as fast as possible and let it out. If i'm sad, I don't shell up and go inside myself. I try to give as much as myself mentally to my partner as much as I do physically. I've learned that a lot of people don't know the difference...but there is one. And it's a pretty big thing to me. I've learned to act accordingly to the love that's in my heart. I'm not a master at it yet, but I've learned what to do and how to do it, and i'm all the better because of it.

more to come...
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  #13  
Old 05-29-2010, 01:57 AM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Smile The things I have Learned as the Mono

I thought I would chime in on what I have learned as a mono in a Poly World if it is ok with the rest of you.

1. There is a whole world out there ready to be explored. Things can not be simply explained by the black and white morals and conducts that a person learns about growning up. There needs to be an open mind if you are ever going to be a well rounded person.

2. You don't have to be poly to lead a poly life. You don't have to be poly to support a poly spouse or signifcant other. You just have to love your partner. No matter who they are and accept them for who they are. These are not faults. This is just one part of their personality and human traits.

3. Cheating is probably the worst way to enter into the world of Polyamory. But it isn't the end of the world. With hard work and patience you can get through it. But it will never come easy...Ever.

4. You have to know your limits. Don't push yourself further than you know you can go. Even if you think this is what your SO wants. If it is actually what they do want, what they want even more is for you to take things at your own pace and be happy with your progress.

5. Life is about progress. And a mono can make progress in accepting it, even if this is not what they thought they were getting into when they got married. If you love each other enough, you can make it work.

6. Progress is hard. Progress is a bitch. Progress can be painful. Progress is worth it in the end.

7. You can make a best friend out of a worst enemy. You can take someone who hurt you and you were determined to hate the rest of your life and make her one of the number one people in your life. You can cry and resent and curse that person. You can bash her on boards, scream out curse words at her name. But as time goes by, you find yourself missing her when she isn't there. And then you would do anything to make sure she is ok. Because that is how far you have come. Because she didn't give up on you. Because this was never about stealing a spouse. This was about a lifestyle. This was about truly loving the people who are apart of this, not just a chance to have sex and take over what I worked so hard for. And now it is about love and friendship and sisterhood between two people.

8. Double standards suck. Not necessarily for the mono. Because as a mono not dating someone else really isn't an issue. But seeing the people you care about torn apart by double standards really sucks.

9. Sometimes its hard remembering that you are enough. But that is the one thing you must always remember.

10. When your husband is missing another woman, and you are the one holding him, you want to cry. But you don't. You let him cry. And then when he smiles from talking to her, and you know it isn't you, you still smile. You really smile. Because seeing the joy on his face, no matter where it comes from lights up any room and makes you feel good inside. Because you know he is happy and that you are doing the right thing, no matter how hard it is at times. There will be pain behind that smile, but that doesn't make it any less real. This is your life. Embrace it and embrace each other.

11. Walls suck. Try not to let them come up. They suck and they hurt everyone around you. Including those who don't deserve that wall. And the truth is the people you think do, probably don't deserve it either. There are two sides to every story. So look at all sides before you put up any walls. Chances are you will find you don't need them.

12. You still love them. You are willing to walk through fire for them. And because of this you would never change a thing. Because otherwise you wouldn't have your relationship as it is now. And isn't that what you fell in love with? Isn't this the person you fell in love with? You didn't fall in love with the person you wish they were. You fell in love with them. And because of that you can get through anything.

13. Someday I will completely and fully trust my husband again. I know I will get there. Not today or next month. But I will trust him without question again.
Thank you.

Last edited by ak2381; 05-29-2010 at 02:00 AM.
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  #14  
Old 05-29-2010, 04:27 AM
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Question Things you've learned as a mono

Nice post. Good for us monos to hear someone expressing things that I'm sure we all go through.

One thing you didn't talk about was fear. Fear of the future is just starting to come up for me. My partner's secondary relationship has so far been sensual rather than sexual (at her insistence). He has never even called himself polyamorous, it was me, seeking a way to make sense of his other relationship that stumbled on polyamory. As I have accepted the relationship it has grown and i am somewhat fearful of where it could end up. I am working at acknowledging and accepting the fear and as you say if you really love someone you will get through anything. I suppose the thing I fear most is that as his relationship with her grows we may lose the specialness of what we have together because our relationship might become diluted.

I know the belief is that more love enlarges the heart and creates more love but I would like to hear from anyone who has found that a secondary relationship ended up bringing down the primary one.

Thanks
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  #15  
Old 05-31-2010, 03:15 AM
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Default Replying to RP's initial prompt

Quote:
anyone want to add on some good ol' poly lessons learned from their own experience?
1. It is infinitely easier to introduce poly at the beginning of a relationship than it is to open up a relationship that has been monogamous.

1a. If you're trying to open an existing mono relationship, and you've all done your best, and there is really no good coming of it, it's okay to end the situation in the best way possible. (In my case, it was leaving my mono boyfriend. Neither of us could change who we are.)

2. Everyone involved has to be trying to make things work.

2a. Metamours have to at least nominally try to get along for me to be happy being involved. The more improvement along that axis, the better.

3. I don't actually move at the pace of the slowest person. In the beginning, I say, "Here's how I live my life. Do you want in?" Then the other person tells me how they're living, and I decide if I want in too. Both sides can ask for accommodations at any time, and push on things that need it, but in general it's the responsibility of the person struggling to step it up (with support), not the responsibility of the person already living a functional life to put large parts of it on ice. (I know that's likely to be controversial... Feel free to start a new thread on it if you think it needs tearing apart--this doesn't seem like the place.)

I bet there's more, but I'm stumped for the moment.
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  #16  
Old 05-31-2010, 07:07 AM
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wow, awesome points! Thanks for the mono points too...!

Saudade, "going at the pace of the one struggling the most" is not really referring to people who meet and agree to become involved. It's more to do with existing relationships that experience issues along the way. I totally agree that to meet, suggest a merge ( for want of a better term this late at night) and then working towards that is what happens generally, but the idea of pacing is to do with anyone that comes along with that merge. That is where it is suggested that the pace be slowed to allow for the change to morph and grow into something sustainable. The problem arises when someone doesn't care about sustainability or thinks it's someone else's problem and is unwilling to allow communication or hasn't slowed down enough to consider the wake they cause by doing/acting/saying whatever it is that is causing the issue...

hope that makes sense.

I forget where my numbers are at, so I am abandoning them....next point for me is.

- everyone in poly community tends to know each other eventually or pretty close... we are not a large population. It becomes really important to be wary of that sometimes and remember people talk, gossip happens and a whole lot of figuring each other out.
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  #17  
Old 06-01-2010, 07:18 PM
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I am my own primary...

I need to have a strong relationship with myself first before I can possibly have strong relationships with others. Often times I tend to let myself go, my connection to that which is my deep bond with me, because I know I can never leave myself and can do stuff later. Sometimes later is too long and I go over the edge. I get overwhelmed, become cranky, snippy, over emotional ... I need to remember almost daily that I need to look after my primary relationship with myself first before others.
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  #18  
Old 06-01-2010, 09:29 PM
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Default Responding to Redpepper

Quote:
Saudade, "going at the pace of the one struggling the most" is not really referring to people who meet and agree to become involved. It's more to do with existing relationships that experience issues along the way. I totally agree that to meet, suggest a merge ( for want of a better term this late at night) and then working towards that is what happens generally, but the idea of pacing is to do with anyone that comes along with that merge. That is where it is suggested that the pace be slowed to allow for the change to morph and grow into something sustainable. The problem arises when someone doesn't care about sustainability or thinks it's someone else's problem and is unwilling to allow communication or hasn't slowed down enough to consider the wake they cause by doing/acting/saying whatever it is that is causing the issue...
RP: It's actually my policy not to move at the pace of the slowest person even in an 'existing relationship with an issue' situation, wherein the 'issue' is the involvement of a third person. The rule of thumb I go by instead is: what's reasonable in this situation for the parties directly involved?

For example: one of my partners, Z, has had trouble adjusting to me taking on a friend with benefits. There are parts of my having a friend with benefits in which Z is an involved party: who I sleep with at night; how much time this friend spends with both of us (he's actually friends with the whole constellation, not just me); who I sit next to when they both are in the living room; PDAs in front of Z; the degree to which a new love brings everyone an STD risk; etc. In those issues, Z is directly affected, and how he's doing with the thought of sharing me with this friend in this particular way is a major part of any decision on the topic. However, there are other parts of my relationship with this friend that have nothing to do with Z (like whether we talk online, what we do sexually --once we've agreed on STD issues--, and how we celebrate his birthday), and so we're not going to move at Z's pace on those issues, even if he's the one struggling the most in our constellation with the whole thing.

Does that clarify things?

Further context-- there's at least a dozen people in our constellation these days, so it'd be difficult to decide whose pace to move at in a lot of circumstances! Also, Z and I are working hard on keeping the relationship open through his moments of discomfort, and so we've agreed to this system together. It's also worth noting that Z and I are checking in about all of this constantly (it seems like a few times a day; it might actually be every two days), to make sure that everything keeps functioning.
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  #19  
Old 06-01-2010, 10:37 PM
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Thanks for clarifying. I guess to me the idea of going at the pace of the one most struggling refers to "over all." not specifics such as sex and birthday plans. For instance, when nerdist struggled with my going off in the middle of the night after a date with our then triad member. Then it was a huge deal and he struggled to realize that I wasn't cheapening the time we had together. Now, likely he wouldn't bat an eye if I asked for that. I didn't go at the pace he needed emotionally and hurt him several times during that time period. It wasn't okay to do that for my selfish reasons and NRE. There is plenty of time and everything doesn't need to be donw now. That is all I am saying with it really.
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Old 06-01-2010, 10:41 PM
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Of course its a matter of depth and my poly perhaps being different than yours. It sounds like you are respecting other peoples emotions though and that to me is what I'm talking about.
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