dating a married 'poly' woman

[JaneQSmythe]

So, properly Dude should be addressing this since he is the "straight, single guy" who got involved with a poly woman...but he is not on these forums so I will do my best (and ask him when he gets home if I did okay ).

It's not crazy, but it may be difficult. You may find that you have a lot of internalized assumptions that get turned on their head. (Sounds like you may have found a few already just reading this forum - such as that if she is dating she must be looking for a "replacement".) That's okay - you are entering brand-new territory. Even if it doesn't work out with this woman, you may learn a lot about yourself and what you really want out of a relationship (as opposed to what everyone is supposed to want).

Looking back, Dude is now convinced that his relations with married women have all gone much smoother than his relationships with single women (his previous experiences sound, to me, more like open/swinging than poly - but the husbands definitely knew and were on board). The standing hypothesis is that the married girls have a proven track-record of being able to maintain a relationship and have done a lot of "internal work" to get to where they are.

Originally Posted by Vixtoria

I'm not expecting or looking for a brother husbands thing. Or a threesome, as both my men are straight! So no there will be no bed sharing, but I don't rule out living near each other, having intertwined lives.

While I was not expecting or looking for a "brother-husband" type thing - that seems to be what I found. I always assumed that, as a poly-bi-girl my OSO would be a woman - sometimes life turns up unexpected possibilities.

Just to point out, it is possible to end up with bed-sharing and the occasional threesome even with two straight guys - I get the middle and LOTS of attention . (NOT everyone's cup of tea...depends on each person's preferences and comfort levels.)

Originally Posted by RickX

So the consensus is that I should be meeting the husband. Im having cold feet just thinking of that. Anyhow, if that will give me peace of mind and help minimize any future trouble, then it may be worth the try. And I feel she is worth all the hassle.

Yes, that is the consensus (with which I agree). The cold feet, I think, is perfectly normal - you are coming from a mono background and all of the baggage associated with that screams that this is a crazy idea. In your subconscious, I would think, there are these rooted ideas about "cheating" that are being triggered - your brain throws up all the responses about how a mono-husband is supposed to respond when someone is hitting on his wife. BUT...a poly-husband? You have no framework for that. HE would want to know that a.) you are a real person and not some psycho-stalker, and b.) that you are a good person who is not going to try to hurt the person he loves.

Originally Posted by RickX

But to tell you guys frankly, when I told her that my ideal relationship is long term and family-like, and she indicated that it may be possible, it did not occur to me that it might be in the context (poly context) of your experiences of being married and having a bf/life partner ... At the back of my mind, I rejoiced and was thinking that she might want me to replace her husband as his primary partner (or she was anticipating a separation) at some point in time (i apologize... i know this kind of thinking is a polyamory taboo...remember my mindset is originally mono). And thus, my reluctance to the possibility of meeting her husband.

OK...good. Kudos to you for recognizing your assumptions and realizing where they come from. So the question, for you, is IF she is poly and she doesn't want to leave her husband for you, is that OK with you? Are YOU okay with pursuing a "long-term and family-like" relationship with someone who also shares that type of relationship with someone else? It is okay if you are not.

Intellectually Dude knew that I had NO intention of leaving MrS but it would still slip into his mind on some level at times. He would say things that would have been appropriate mutterings of endearment to a mono-girl that would leave me cold. Many conversations ensued.

Originally Posted by RickX

Lastly, if I get to meet both of them, will I not be giving an impression that I want to have a relationship with both of them, like a triad? Im a straight guy, and has no plans of a 3-way relationship. No idea what the sexual orientation of her husband could be

As a matter of strict fact, if you are in a relationship with her you ARE in a relationship with both of them - but this IN NO WAY implies that you are agreeing to a triad (which it doesn't seem that she is looking for). In "poly-talk" your relationship with him would be one of "metamour" (you would share a lover but not be involved with him in any sort of romantic/sexual context). Some metamours are aware of who the other is and have no other interaction. On the other end of the spectrum - Dude and MrS are best friends and we all live together. There is no rule about how close metamours have to be (although tons of speculation about what works best - I would think the minimum would be "cordial acquaintances" - but you at least have to meet the guy for that to happen.)

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance

In my "dream world" we will have property with several homes on it-and the guys won't be in the same house, but we'll all be on the same property.

In my "dream world"...each person has a suite/cabin/structure connected to the main house on the same property (I have around 25 acres so this is actually do-able). The "main house" currently has exactly one bedroom - which we share. The tentative plan is to eventually build a bachelor cabin for Dude which connects to the main house - so he can entertain without bringing "other people" into my home (which is a huge trigger for me).

Jane ("To-each-their-own")Q

[JustUs]

My concerns are:
1. Is this a crazy idea, that is being involved with a married woman? Should I give it a try, having a monogamous programming since childhood? I really like her.
If you are comfortable with the idea that you are not going to be her one and only and willing to make it work, then give it a chance. You may enjoy some of the benefits of being poly. But if you are hardwired to monogamy, it may be difficult to grasp the concept of sharing her, sharing her time with someone else, and not always being "first" in her life.

2. How do I know that she is not cheating or that they are really in a consensual non monogamous relationship?
If she and her husband are truly poly, there is nothing wrong with asking to meet the husband. This would take away the thoughts that she is not cheating or doing anything behind her husbands back. Plus you won't have the fear that the husband might show up at your door one dayf or messing around with his wife. If they are poly, you meeting the husbad will give you a lot of credibility in the relationship and more support in all those involved.

3. Perhaps, part of my concern is the awkward feeling, like, will i get into trouble in dating her? I mean legally or getting into trouble with her partner
Can't say legally you could get in trouble, not a lawyer. But, if all involved (you, the husband and the woman) are all consensual, there should be no issues. If she is cheating or doing it behind her husbands back, that could be a whole different story!

4. Are there guidelines or etiquette for dating a married poly woman? any links or references or experiences or advices?
There is a ton of links and information out there. Being respectful to their relationship is very important, and the husband will be also. If there is any connection or friendship between you and the husband, even better. I have always been friends with my wifes partners. We often all hung out together, had drinks/dinner together and even once went on vacation together.

5. If ever I could pull this off right, what are the chances this will work? Any cases or similar situations you know of? I mean Im a single guy and they are a married couple. My objective is to make this into a long term relationship if possible, not just a fling.
I've never been the "single guy" in this situation, always the husband. Respect for everyone involved can make it work. If the wifeis seriously looking for a poly relationship, it could become much more then a fling...Good luck, if all goes well, it can be a great thing!

[IrisAwakened]

Every poly unit works differently, I have come to find out. I am also married with a BF. I am a very honest and upfront person, so I always tell people the entire story and encourage questions upfront. Also, a rule in my relationship is that the partners need to meet as soon as it becomes "more than friends". This gets that awkwardness out of the way in the beginning, and helps the newcomer realize that everyone is actually ok with all of this.

Definitely talk to your gf about her marriage and have her explain the rules therein. Ask to meet her husband. My only red flag would be if she forbids you two to meet. Where this could be a "don't ask don't tell" type of thing, I would still insist on meeting him. But I am like that. I hate not knowing everyone, and I hate secrets.

As for long term, like they said, your chances are similar to dating anyone. But make sure to talk to her about what that would look like. Some might want long term but not be alright with bearing children together or living together. I always put that out in the beginning too, expectations. For me these are possible live-in, possible formal commitment, possible children bearing. It all depends on the people involved and what everyone decides to be the best choice.

Good luck!

[Moonglow]

No you aren't crazy. It happens. Sometimes really nicely too. I was lucky enough twice to find musicians and we all played music together. It is a nice thing to have something to share together. I would love it again if I ever get the chance. Just be gentle on yourself and your heart.

[Quietfever]

It's going to depend.

In my own case, I opted not to go with a poly married woman because I am single, want a life partner of my own, and am realizing that I need to honor my desire for a life partner.

It doesn't mean that I won't potentially have additional partners in the future.

It does mean however that I am finding it very triggering to attempt to be involved with someone who is partnered when I am not. It was easier to avoid the situation than to deal with my own feelings of envy and sadness, and triggering of deep childhood wounds ("I am always left out" kind of feelings). It's ideal to deal with your feelings - but sometimes avoiding drama is much, much easier. I also felt some feelings of being "one down".

It also means that I want to put my energy into dating to meet potential life partners, not into this relationship.

But the thing with poly culture that's easier to deal with, is that she and I are becoming very good friends. In monogamous culture, there would've been more social pressure to either couple up or not.

[RickX]

Thanks again to everyone for your inputs.

Finally, it's official - she is not cheating! I was able to meet the husband last weekend and the three of us had a nice time over dinner. He is not bi and not interested in a triad, but appreciated my effort to meet him and be friends.

Now, I'm very excited for my date with her this Friday night! ;-)

[JaneQSmythe]

That's great! Enjoy your date.
JaneQ