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Old 05-26-2010, 04:31 PM
dreamer dreamer is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Western KY
Posts: 1
Default Gay Poly

We're a gay couple M/M and happily married -- or should I say it with fingers wagging "married" -- for 35 years. One's 60 and one's 55. We have always considered the possibility of finding a 3rd or 4th or more to join us but have always found ourselves to be used by the other person (we're not wealthy but we are comfortable and we've busted our buns to achieve that). The one other time we considered it (outside of being used), it was someone we both love very much but just wasn't the right fit emotionally.

How can 2 responsible gay men who do almost nothing but work find a good fit in a third person? We have always worked together and always will so we're together day and night. We're veterans. We have college degrees. We have pets. We love our small town life here in West KY.

I guess I have two questions:
1. How do those of you with experience in all things poly deal with the much more complex interactions that a poly relationship carries with it? I would imagine that open, honest communication is even more key to success than it is in a mono relationship. I always say the secret of a successful relationship is: Love, Trust, Communication.

2. Is actively seeking out a third an exercise is frustration or futility? Is it a silly concept? We know the right person will enrich our individual lives and our single life together. (we really are almost one whole person at this point) It's difficult for most people to the find the perfect one person....what are the chances of finding the perfect second for us?
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Old 05-26-2010, 04:49 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 2,187

Welcome aboard.

As for 1)...well, there are a lot of threads here that discuss that very issue. Some threads provide good insights on what NOT to do, while others provide insights on what works for people.

For 2)...hmm, I'm not aware of any discussions on how to add more people to lives that are reallyreally busy, though there are far too many threads here for me to know them all. River seems to be really busy and he and his partner found somebody they both bonded with, so maybe he'll find this thread and point to a discussion on the topic.

Although I'll work long weeks when it's necessary, I really much prefer to do most of my living away from the workplace. So, while I try to stay reasonably busy, that makes for a much more flexible schedule, I think, and doesn't speak directly to your question.
When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 05-26-2010, 06:50 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,217

Here is a link to all posts by River and another link to a tag search for "third partner".

We recommend River's posts because he is in a relationship configuration similar to yours (I think they found a "third partner" but never became an "official triad").
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Old 05-26-2010, 08:13 PM
Danny40179's Avatar
Danny40179 Danny40179 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Central NJ
Posts: 241

WELCOME!! First let me commend you and your husband for being together for so long! It's always nice to see longevity like that.

As far as your questions go, you answered your first one! Well, at least as far as I go anyway. LOL Love, Trust, and Communication are the foundations to any healthy relationship and these are absolutely essential in a poly one. I'm a MASSIVE fan of communication even the uncomfortable type. They are all necessary to making this work.

I don't think trying to find a 3rd is futile at all. My wife and I have been living with our SO for the last 2 1/2 years and it's been amazing. It wasn't something that we sought, but rather had fall into our laps. This is a great place to meet like minded people and once that happens you never know!

I wish you luck and please keep us posted.

Live life to the fullest 'cause you never know if you're gonna wake up tomorrow!
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second partner, third partner, thirds

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