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  #51  
Old 10-18-2012, 01:05 AM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
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Originally Posted by Jayehare View Post
And I worry about hurting her even more by even trying to justify this ...
Then please...don't try. Even if she wasn't justified in viewing this as a betrayal (which I think she is), she's in NO state to try to see your view of things. While I don't believe you intended to cause pain, I think it's hard to deny that's exactly what happened. At the very least, I think you have to acknowledge that things were "introduced badly".

Honestly, I would give her time and space. While you're doing that, you might want to look into some resources about healing things after cheating. Wife and I found the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring rather helpful.

Good luck, I really do hope that she's able to heal from this.
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  #52  
Old 10-18-2012, 03:18 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Originally Posted by Jayehare View Post
I haven't heard a thing from L about what happened, but I tried to reach his partner and let her know that I didn't want to avoid this. She hung up on me. Too soon. I know that she is entrenched in thinking about this in terms of betrayal, and the lying was betrayal. But will I ever be able to get her to understand that motivations behind what happened were not so horrible? That we can choose to move forward from this in a different way?
It is too soon. You will have to be patient and wait for her to reach out to you. And she may never do so. Bluntly your motivations are irrelevant right now. It was a betrayal by you and her husband. You did not intend to hurt anyone. But that does not remove the hurt.

She may never come around to your way of thinking. You have no control over that. All you can do is be available to talk if she decides to do so and continue to work on your relationship with your husband. It was a good thing you decided to be open and honest with your husband. And fortunately that has gone well so far. Your former lover is now trying to do the same with his wife. And there is nothing you can do to help him, or her, with that. You will have to live with the shame and the guilt for a while. She cannot take that shame and guilt away from you. She cannot ease your pain right now. That is not her job or her concern. She may forgive you in time. I hope so. The only practical thing you can do now is learn from the shame and the guilt - which you are doing.
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  #53  
Old 10-18-2012, 04:16 PM
Jayehare Jayehare is offline
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Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Your former lover is now trying to do the same with his wife. And there is nothing you can do to help him, or her, with that. You will have to live with the shame and the guilt for a while. She cannot take that shame and guilt away from you. She cannot ease your pain right now. That is not her job or her concern. She may forgive you in time. I hope so. The only practical thing you can do now is learn from the shame and the guilt - which you are doing.
What a learning experience this has been. I know that she can't ease how I feel right now, and that she may never, and she certainly doesn't have to. I'm going to have to come to peace with that on my own terms. I've never felt so wrong before, I've never been the agent of such pain.

What a humbling experience - life altering, mind changing. My husband is still being very supportive, and I am so thankful for that. It's amazing how two people faced with the same incident can react so differently.. But that's the meaning we make out of our lives ... and it's different for everyone.

So what about the rest of our friends - when talking to them, surely I can try and explain what happened - not in the hopes of being excused for it, but in the hopes that they understand? Is there an easy way to explain the poly mindset to those conditioned to monogamy? Or will that still look bad in the face of the pain that I've caused?
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  #54  
Old 10-18-2012, 10:54 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by Jayehare View Post
So what about the rest of our friends - when talking to them, surely I can try and explain what happened - not in the hopes of being excused for it, but in the hopes that they understand? Is there an easy way to explain the poly mindset to those conditioned to monogamy? Or will that still look bad in the face of the pain that I've caused?
To be blunt - it will still look bad.

I screwed up royally when I first got involved with Dude. I hurt my beloved husband - he hurt BAD. (You can read about it in my "Journey" blog here - the /jackassery/ section)

AFTER the dark times (because when my husband is upset with me there are very few people that I can stand to even talk to, let alone share with) I did speak to my very closest friends about what had happened and how miserable I felt having caused him so much pain. BECAUSE they were my very closest friends I knew that they could listen to me, see that I had acted badly, and still love and support ME while never, for one minute, "letting me off the hook" for the mistakes I had made.

Our other, regular friends? AFTER everything was reconciled and Dude was firmly established with us we began to gently talk about (around really) the concept of polyamory - which really surprised none of them, although some of them had questions, they've know us a long time .

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #55  
Old 10-19-2012, 06:26 AM
Jayehare Jayehare is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
To be blunt - it will still look bad.
Our other, regular friends? AFTER everything was reconciled and Dude was firmly established with us we began to gently talk about (around really) the concept of polyamory - which really surprised none of them, although some of them had questions, they've know us a long time .

JaneQ
So I finally talked to L (recognizing we don't get to talk anymore), he called me at work. His tone was .... upset, I told you so (that's she wouldn't understand and would kick him out), and ... resigned. He said something about how it confirmed his suspicions that she was just waiting for a reason to break up ... which is something he's said about himself as well. Just neither of them wanted it to be their fault. He still wants to try, and I still want him to succeed, but reconciliation will be a long path, and it won't involve me at all.

Then after work I stopped to pick up the mail and our mutual friend J was there, who he's known his whole life and has confided in since this happened. She hugged me. I almost cried. So I guess it comes to this ... I tell people whatever they are ready to hear. I suspect that more people than I would like will know about this, and some will be mad, some will be accepting. Some I can attempt to explain, and some (particularly L's partner) I'll just have to take their emotions, validate them, and leave it at that ...

Something happens, we attach meaning, and then we feel what we feel. For everyone that's different. The challenge is to read that ... correctly.
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  #56  
Old 05-21-2014, 09:08 PM
Jayehare Jayehare is offline
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Default Update, long road, but looks like we're a quad!

Oh the journey I've been on! But last weekend, I believe, we finally arrived. After my last post, our world fell apart. Friends were supportive, but life was hard in our small community. I didn't speak to L for months. I first focused on fixing things with A, who I had betrayed and hurt so terribly. I balanced trying to be honest about how I felt about L and understanding that her hearing I had strong feelings for him was threatening. We had many difficult conversations, and, unfortunately, when L 'came clean' he didn't actually tell her the truth, so that came out slowly over a year and a half. She would ask me direct questions, and I couldn't lie any more, so the truth would come out. Her and I worked hard to regain our friendship, and it is now better than before.
About three months ago she came over to have dinner with me and my husband. Wine and a hot tub, as well as the first conversation that the three of us had had about everything that had happened, seemed to set a stage. We ended up having a threesome. Her and L had got back together, broken up, got back together, and then broken up again. I had had one brief conversation with L in the year and a half, which is quite the accomplishment in a town our size. Nonetheless, I cautioned A that I am not interested in keeping secrets, so she told L the next day what had happened with the three of us. The result? Angry emails directed at me. He couldn't get mad at them, but he could get mad at me. Eventually I called truce and suggested he and I talk in person. So we did, and SEVEN HOURS later (we had a lot to talk about) We're done talking and are now making out. What a backslide.
A is not upset about it, but L is all confused and starts to backpedal. Meanwhile, my husband and A continue to sleep together. It's kind of hot! Then I go away, and get an email that L, A, and my husband had had a threesome! WTF!? I'm amused, impressed, but also a little irritated with L. Where was I in all of this?
L sends me a few emails checking in, and eventually we go for a walk to talk. He's honest, he loves me, is attracted to me, but doesn't feel it's right for where he is right now. He wants A back, and that's his priority. I'm honest about my feelings, and we have a good chat. Both A and L have said that they are being more honest with each other than they have every been in their 12 year relationship.
Then last weekend... a party goes late. A and my husband start to make out outside. L notices, gets agitated, and comes to me. I reassure him that all is okay, and to just relax and enjoy. Next thing I know, him and I are going at it, and then we all head out to their camping trailer. The trailer starts a rockin' Him and I on one side, A and hubby on the other. We switched up in the end and it was awesome!
So far, everyone is pleased, no one is jealous, and the possibilities are endless.... But stakes are high! Nervous about the pitfalls, but hoping good communication can get us through. I never stopped feeling for L, and I finally feel whole again. That, and me and hubby have been having phenomenal sex every day since
A long road, but we've finally got somewhere I'd like to stay!
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  #57  
Old 05-26-2014, 06:29 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It sounds like all the pieces are falling into a good place after a lot of turmoil. I do believe that the most successful quads happen naturally like this. I wish you well and hope you keep us updated!
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