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Old 03-10-2016, 02:53 AM
himherandme himherandme is offline
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 14
Exclamation Recycled Dates?

So, last summer my girlfriend surprised me with one of those paint and sip classes for my birthday. She had mentioned that her husband kind of got jealous so she told him she would take him to a class one day. She never did. A couple months later we went to one of those room escape competitions and she did end up taking her husband to the same one we went to. I took my bf to a different one, but with the same concept (and again...months later). It's no big deal to me.

Fast forward to today, I told her me and my bf are going to a painting class Friday and it seemed like her feelings were kind of hurt that I "recycled" a date she took me on since now I'm taking him (not the same exact place, not even in the same city).

She made the comment "I hope you don't take him to everything I take you to." I really just enjoyed these things and wanted to have fun with them both. I think over time, it will be impossible to not do one thing that I've done with the other. Am I being tacky by "recycling" dates? If I am, how do you all solve this problem?

Me: 27 bisexual female
My guy: late 20s straight monogamous
My girl: mid 20s bisexual married to her husband
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Old 03-10-2016, 03:39 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,022

If it were me in those shoes? I would solve the problem by asking her if there's something she would like to keep special for just (me and her). Sometimes I find I have to listen for the feelings underneath the words and not so much the words themselves.

Because the actual words? "I hope you don't take him to everything I take you to."

That makes no sense to me. You probably don't take him to everything. And you waited a few months. It's not like she took you to paint and sip one day and the very next day you go do it with your BF too like copycat. This is months later.

But the feelings underneath seem to be about specialness.

I like sushi. If I go to sushi once with my husband, that means I can never go eat sushi with another partner? Sushi can only be with him? That's not being realistic.

Now if he really digs the "all you can eat" contest at the Annual Sushi Festival? Ok. I can promise I'm his partner for that contest. I might go to the festival with other people, but I only do that one contest with him cuz that's our "special thing" once a year. That's realistically doable. I can have other "special things" with other people.

Was it a special paint and sip? Like Valentine's or something? Maybe that's the special thing to share with just her then. Every year you do the special Valentine's paint and sip?


Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-10-2016 at 03:41 AM.
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Old 03-10-2016, 02:05 PM
himherandme himherandme is offline
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 14

Thank you for your input. I guess looking deeper into the conversation and past the one comment, I can see its about more than just taking him where she's taken me.

She took me for my birthday, so maybe I'll tell her we (me and her) will only go on my birthday so she feels that it's something unique with us. Great idea.

Thanks again for your advice!! I'm sure it will help.
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Old 03-10-2016, 02:43 PM
AJM AJM is offline
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: WNY
Posts: 91

I took my GF to a restaurant because I enjoy eating out. I also took her to a gallery because I enjoy art. Just because I've done both of those activities with my wife doesn't mean I'm recycling anything.

Be IN the moment with your partner and don't worry about anything else.
Me: 51, poly, married to W, no longer living with G
W: wife, 46, poly
G: ex-girlfriend, 52, mono
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Old 03-10-2016, 02:58 PM
AlwaysGrowing AlwaysGrowing is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 659

I can see having one special thing for a partner, but I "recycle" normal dates often. Boy and I go out to eat much more often than Hubby and I do (Boy has more "fun money" so he takes me out - Hubby and I don't have a lot of fun money since we had a baby so we do cheaper things). When Hubby and I DO have a chance to go spend more money than usual? You bet your ass I recommend some of the awesome places that he hasn't tried yet! When it's a once in a while thing, I want to make sure Hubby enjoys wherever we go, which sometimes means going to a place that I've been before on a date with someone else.

Then again, there is a specific beach that Hubby loves that hosts an event twice a year. I would never dream of going to that event with anyone else. That beach? Sure. A similar event elsewhere? Maybe.

If something is fun, it's fun. I wouldn't want to limit my partners just because I'm not a part of it. I may have a stab of envy when they go do it with someone else (or by themselves), but I'll get over it and be happy that they get to do something enjoyable.
Me: AG - 27yo, finding herself
Hubby: My awesome husband. Together for over a decade.
Boy: Boyfriend. Known for about 4 years - involved off and on the whole time.
Little Girl: My and Hubby's daughter. 1.
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Old 03-10-2016, 04:47 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 1,485

I would think it very cool that someone liked something that was my idea so much that they would want to share it with someone else. My partners in Seattle have turned me on to some cool places. I have a whole list of places I'd like to take Cat if/when she visits Seattle, just like I have a bunch of places in Florida I would take people who visit me there.
Vince 55/het/m
Mary 55/het/f/married LDR
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Old 03-12-2016, 03:17 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 14,140

Hi himherandme,

I see nothing wrong with "recycling" dates. If we didn't recycle, we'd end up with nothing to do. I know I'm being logical, while your girlfriend is coming from an emotional place, but with all due respect I think she should curb her emotions about this issue. A relationship can be perfectly special without exclusive rights to this or that kind of date.

My 2¢,
Kevin T.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 03-13-2016, 06:19 PM
playfulgirl playfulgirl is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 134

We recycle dates all the time. Real sees most movies twice. It's a totally different experience with a different person. That being said there are a few guidelines. Don't force one person to fit your other persons mold. He and lady and I all enjoy visiting the same picturesque town nearby. We do many of the same activities (your wineries, go hiking, eat at foodie places. But we experience these differently due to our preferences. For example real has taken us to the same winery/bnb. But they go on the romantic couples thingies with couple massages and candles because that's her thing. When we go it's for the local music fest. Because that's my thing. Not that we are restricted from the other, but more that the experience is planned for each person.
Me: in a vee with Real and Lady, have one fwb - Fox
Real: hinge in a vee with me and lady
Lady: married to Real, swinger, dating casually
Fox: friend and fwb on occasion.
R: Lady's ex
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Old 03-13-2016, 07:17 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,447

Yeah I totally don't understand this concept at all. People don't own activities. They don't own your time. They don't own your enjoyment. If you like doing something, do it. Do it as much as you can, with everyone you can. Share the fun!

If someone I was with was getting jealous that I'm doing the same thing with other people that I did with them? I would have zero patience for that. If I really really really liked them, I might be willing to just not tell them if I do that activity with someone else. But there's no way I would save it just for them. That's just too possessive for my tastes.

Especially something like going to an establishment. I mean it's one thing if someone plans out a multi-location date where every place has special meaning, is chosen specifically for me because of something in our mutual history... and then I go take someone else on a date to the same set of locations. That would just be weird. But I wouldn't do that, because those places wouldn't be meaningful to the other person. But if someone introduces me to something cool like sip and paint (whatever that is, I'll have to look into it, must be fun if you wanted to take someone else there...), of course I'm going to share it with other people.

ETA: $50 and you have to bring your own wine? Screw that, I can paint at home and have $35 left over...
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 03-13-2016 at 07:22 PM.
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Old 03-13-2016, 10:14 PM
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Bluebird Bluebird is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Maryland
Posts: 2,454

I sometimes see the same movie multiple times. Yesterday I saw 10 Cloverfield Lane with WarMan, and I am going to see it again tonight with PunkRock and DarkKnight together. We'd run out of restaurants if everyone called "MINE!" lol
A modern day polyamorous polygamist My Online Journal

Me, center of a MFM V-shaped polycule (40F)
Wife to DarkKnight (41M) & PunkRockAwesomesauce (44M)
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