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Old 05-24-2010, 04:17 AM
MyDemonsMyAngels MyDemonsMyAngels is offline
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Default Approaching a new relationship interest

Thank you to all that have responded to my girlfriends post #1. It has helped tremendously. As a couple we have been reading through posts made by others. Her and I keep nothing from one another (even if it is hurtful) so we figured we would share the same member name.
There are a few things that I want to ask. First. I realize that by not listening to #1's boundaries I in-fact cheated on her. Not my intention- frankly I thought she would not mind at all. I thought that by her telling me she felt uncomfortable with me having a sexual relationship she was in tern trying to control my actions and prevent me from being WHO i am. I didn't realize that she truly was not ready- I should have listened. Hind sight...like they say is 20/20. Now, I cannot change the past but I would like to find a way to fix it. I see that many other couples have gone through the same type of issue- so if anyone has any pointers or suggestions please send them my way. I find myself at a loss of what to do because she doesn't let her self see how I am trying to make things better. How can you show someone you love them if they wont let you- because they have a wall up....
Secondly. How do I approach the situation I have created with the introduction of #2. I realize that I am the sole reason why #1 cannot feel comfortable with #2. And I feel terrible that I not only caused pain to myself but two people that I love and care for. What do I do...I don't want #2 to feel like I used her or that I have no regard for her feelings. #2 and I are not speaking as requested by #1... fully understandable...but it doesn't change that it is hard. Again, how do I make things right...without causing any unnecessary pain?
Third. I am interested in another woman. Refer to her as #3. And I was surprised that #1 was accepting of the idea and possibility. #1 did say that things needed to move slowly, and although I am struggling with my inner demons of being "controlled" by another person (especially a woman) I can accept when she tells me she NEEDS things to move slowly. I am sure others have found themselves in this same position... how do you cope with your own demons...and compromising without seeming like your pushing something on someone.... am I making sense?
Lastly. How do you approach a new relationship interest and explain to them the poly lifestyle? I do not want to scare her away or make her think that I do not care just because I care for other women...I want to explain it in a way that makes sense to someone who may be in the dark about this type of lifestyle. (Even though I don't think she is ) I just want to go about it in the right way. Again I do not want to cause any unnecessary pain for myself, #1, #2 or a possible #3....
Thanks for listening.
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Old 05-24-2010, 04:56 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by MyDemonsMyAngels View Post
Third. I am interested in another woman. Refer to her as #3. And I was surprised that #1 was accepting of the idea and possibility. #1 did say that things needed to move slowly, and although I am struggling with my inner demons of being "controlled" by another person (especially a woman) I can accept when she tells me she NEEDS things to move slowly. I am sure others have found themselves in this same position... how do you cope with your own demons...and compromising without seeming like your pushing something on someone.... am I making sense?
Wow thats ballsy to say...I hate being controlled too, but its not gender related...its me related. I can't relate directly to what you are saying in that regard. Comprimise is something I do naturally, now! With communication and negotiation...it came from learning not to be selfish with the people I love. You just have to put faith in the fact that the people that love you aren't trying to control you

I have demons, in fact i talk about myself as a deviant/devil for the sake of...well myself. I won't go into detail, will just leave it there. I spend a lot of time balancing between my deviancy and real life. Don't get me wrong, I am not a "bad man", just have those things that lurk in the closet that scare vanillas ...

ok...you need to work with the most uncomfortable person in this. If she is uncomfortable with the pace you might want to take...work with her in understanding and relating...Keep communicating, don't push to hard and work with her...

Quote:
Lastly. How do you approach a new relationship interest and explain to them the poly lifestyle? I do not want to scare her away or make her think that I do not care just because I care for other women...I want to explain it in a way that makes sense to someone who may be in the dark about this type of lifestyle. (Even though I don't think she is ) I just want to go about it in the right way. Again I do not want to cause any unnecessary pain for myself, #1, #2 or a possible #3....
Thanks for listening.
No idea, I don't think there is a mystical secret. You know the people involved, approach them the way they communicate. Understand their communication methods and work with those

You might have to come to the realize you have to give your #1 time to recover from the affair...fine, it was with number #2 but its YOUR trust she may have a problem with. This may take time and you moving into another potential relationship with a new girl may create more pain. Take your time and build that trust up...

At some point...you have to realize relationships will never be about YOU. YOU have to figure out that they involved partners. Sometime sacrifice, sometimes comprimise, sometimes pure joy. I am glad to hear you have learned from your mistakes. Congrats, now take those lessons, apply them and don't repeat them ...

Quote:
I find myself at a loss of what to do because she doesn't let her self see how I am trying to make things better. How can you show someone you love them if they wont let you- because they have a wall up....
keep communicating...I can't imagine the amount of strength she has to continue to work with you after you have cheated. You have some ground to make up...

Lastly...and this is just a "feeling" I get...you seem to be talking more about sex then love. You sure you just don't want an open relationship without the feelings instead of poly. Poly inherently means, at some point, you are looking for other partners to love. That might be something to discuss further with your #1...figure out what you want...love, sex, bdsm...FWB etc.

ps...great that you two share a name, but if you keep posting and getting info, its going to get damn confusing for us trying to help...you may be a couple but you are two different people ...
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  #3  
Old 05-24-2010, 05:39 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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First things first, I understand your explanation for sharing a nickname, but just realize that it will make things very confusing for people reading your posts. I'm sure you don't share underwear or shoes, and I'll bet money that you have different names in real life. Having your own accounts will help keep things clear for the rest of us.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
At some point...you have to realize relationships will never be about YOU. YOU have to figure out that they involved partners.
Just want to repeat this for emphasis. Forget about the "how do I get her to come around" attitude, which is selfish. Instead, try out the "how do I be the best partner possible so that I can bring peace and joy to the life of the woman I love?" attitude, which is generous.

Also, to pick up on Ari's note about control... From what she's posted, your girlfriend is truly struggling here and wants to support you but is also rightfully trying to protect herself. If you see that as control, it sounds like your own baggage. If she was really trying to control you, this conversation wouldn't even be happening. She would just say "You want to be with other women? Well, FORGET IT BUSTER, not on my watch!"

Quote:
Originally Posted by MyDemonsMyAngels View Post
Secondly. How do I approach the situation I have created with the introduction of #2. I realize that I am the sole reason why #1 cannot feel comfortable with #2. And I feel terrible that I not only caused pain to myself but two people that I love and care for. What do I do...I don't want #2 to feel like I used her or that I have no regard for her feelings. #2 and I are not speaking as requested by #1... fully understandable...but it doesn't change that it is hard. Again, how do I make things right...without causing any unnecessary pain?
I think all you can really do is say "Shit, I fucked up" and leave it at that. From what I can tell from #1, she'll never be prepared to accept #2 into your life. It's unfortunate, but not all mistakes can be corrected -- some can only be learning experiences.

The best you can do as far as #2 is concerned is ask #1 if it would be alright for you to apologize to #2 for getting her caught up in this mess, to explain that you didn't mean to hurt anyone and you're sorry that your actions caused them all so much pain.
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Old 05-24-2010, 01:29 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
First things first, I understand your explanation for sharing a nickname, but just realize that it will make things very confusing for people reading your posts. I'm sure you don't share underwear or shoes, and I'll bet money that you have different names in real life. Having your own accounts will help keep things clear for the rest of us.

I second this, for the reasons mentioned and also because I think it's more healthy to form your own identity on or off the internet whether you keep secrets from each other or not.

If you're that worried about keeping secrets from each other, then use the same password, but definitely register as separate user names. That way you can see what the other person has in the private parts of their profile. Furthermore, you will both find it easier to keep track of unread messages, PM's, and so forth AND the messages posted by each other because the system marks messages as "read" from the first time you view them.
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Old 05-24-2010, 11:06 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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If you're that worried about keeping secrets from each other, then use the same password, but definitely register as separate user names. That way you can see what the other person has in the private parts of their profile.
My feeling is that if you need to check each other's accounts to see if they're keeping secrets, there are some fundamental trust issues that need to be addressed. I have the password for my husband's email only so I can take care of his business when he doesn't have internet access. I never go in there to spy on him.
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Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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Old 05-24-2010, 11:19 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
My feeling is that if you need to check each other's accounts to see if they're keeping secrets, there are some fundamental trust issues that need to be addressed. I have the password for my husband's email only so I can take care of his business when he doesn't have internet access. I never go in there to spy on him.
I didn't mean to come across as though I think the OP's have trust issues (although they might)... that is just the way I talk. But I agree with what SC just said in principle.

My husband and I don't have each others' passwords but we often go away from the computer and stay logged in while the other does their thing (I use Opera and he uses Safari so we don't have to log out of Fakebook or Hotmail or whatever). My browser has a lot of my passwords stored or I have it so that certain websites keep me logged in... pretty much anything that doesn't have a credit card or bank account associated with it stays logged in. He can read anything I write and vice-versa, but frankly we're just not that interested. Maybe we have issues because we are not nosy enough? It seems to be working out so far!
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Old 05-25-2010, 12:35 AM
MyDemonsMyAngels MyDemonsMyAngels is offline
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Oh boy... seems like people are focusing more on the fact that we are sharing the same account. (he has his own know) And I am sure he will be reposting his questions on there. I really do think that focus was taken off of the things he truly needed help with and put on something that to us was not a major deal.
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Old 05-25-2010, 06:38 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by MyDemonsMyAngels View Post
Oh boy... seems like people are focusing more on the fact that we are sharing the same account. (he has his own know) And I am sure he will be reposting his questions on there. I really do think that focus was taken off of the things he truly needed help with and put on something that to us was not a major deal.
LoL, sorry to take away from the real issue. I do think there were some serious efforts to address the questions asked, specifically by Ariakas and myself. Then we digressed on the notion of privacy and codependence.

It may seem like no big deal to you both, but a big component of communication is knowing whom you're talking to. Advice can only be given if you have an idea of the situation the receiver is in, which obviously requires you to know which receiver you're communicating with.

NOTE TO MODS: I recommend deleting this thread and posting mine and ariakas's replies to the new one, http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2845
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Old 05-25-2010, 08:06 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I didn't mean to come across as though I think the OP's have trust issues (although they might)...
OK, then I will come across that way - you have trust issues. Period.

Because that is, in my opinion, the key to all of this. A good, solid relationship is built on mutual trust. It sounds like he doesn't trust her because he suspects that instead of expressing what she feels, she is trying to control him. The subtext seems to be here that this comes from experiences in a previous relationship rather than due to something with this one.

Conversely, because he cheated on her, she has trust issues around whether or not he is going to be able to even keep his promises in the future.

So anything that is said is going to be received with this "filter" in place on both parts. This, to me, is the core of what the two of you need to work on - you absolutely 100% need to get yourself into a position that you can trust each other to do what you say and say what you do. Without this all the rest is window-dressing.

If you don't feel capable of working through these issues between the two of you, then I would strongly suggest some professional help.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, poly or mono. Without it, all of the relationship is going to founder at the least sign of trouble. That's not what either of you need, I assume.

As for existing "relationships" with others, ask yourself what is important - having these new relationships or working on your existing one that you are committed to. If #2 and #3 respect your relationship with #1 then they will also be prepared to give you some space to work things through and to try to establish that foundation without distractions. If they don't respect you relationship with #1 then ask yourself whether they are really people you want in your life, if they don't understand how important #1 is to you.
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Last edited by CielDuMatin; 05-25-2010 at 08:44 PM.
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Old 05-25-2010, 08:24 PM
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rpcrazy rpcrazy is offline
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^^
Quote:
try to establish that foundation without distractions
^^

-fixed

CielDuMatin pretty got everything i wanted to say...unfortunately for me, we seem to think alike. I would like to emphasize on his post a bit though.

IMO, the ONLY THING YOU CAN DO to work your disposition in a positive manner, is to have divine communication with your #1 partner, and to take time and make sure that both of trust each other in a way to where without any kind of direct knowledge or assurance, you give each other the benefit of the doubt in every situation completely and in earnest. You BOTH need to work 100% at trying to work your trust issues. And like mentioned above, if you aren't at a level to do it yourselves at this point, but you have the will to work your relationship, see a professional. My g/f is going through trust issues with me and it's rough. It's not something that alot of people can do well, so if you find you're getting no where in a reasonable amount of time, then don't feel bad about seeing a professional. The focus you should on is trust.
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