Poly-Dating: How to meet like-minded people

[idealist]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

everytime these conversation come up, sometimes I just wish I could draw them hahaha...

Ariakas....me too.....sooooo- just for our pleasure (and anyone else who is very visual and likes visual interpretations for relationships) I have made a drawing of my poly family.....as it is now, but it's rapidly changing......

The females are in circles. The males are in squares. A green line from one person to another means there is a sexual connection. A purple line means there is a friendship, or at least the people really like one another and enjoy each other's company. The numbers in the small boxes are how many years the people have known one another with -1 being less than a year.

As usual, I have changed the names (as in my blog)....

There are 3 V's. Idealist/Richard/Holland with Richard as the hinge. Idealist/Charles/Holland with Charles as the hinge. Charles/Idealist/Brent with Idealist as the hinge. There is a triad with Idealist/Katherine/Brent. There is a traditional hetero quad (no sexual connection with people of the same gender) with Idealist/Holland/Charles/Richard. There are three mono males (Steven, John and James). There are two mono females. (Cherie and Rhonda) There is a potential triad (we've talked about it) with Idealist/Katherine/James. Or a V with Katherine/James/Idealist with James as the hinge.

When I look at this, it's amazing that I've only identified as poly for a few months. But, it's obvious that I've been working my way towards it for a while!!!

I think I would like to work my way into a stable V or Triad and let go of everything else, but we'll see. It seems I'm just setting up optional situations to see if a good long term meaningful situation can develop!!

[Ariakas]

Thats great idealist. Quite a confusing grouping you have. The more I read here, the more I am impressed by peoples ability to schedule their lives. All I have is a big WOW

[Uluz46901]

We have been married for 20 years. Lori recently came clean on having an extra relationship with a man for several years. Interestingly, I understand her desires for extension of personal love - not just sex. We are really interested in understanding this more, the ability to love more than one, without monogamy, and it seems like poly. Our main question though is how one finds others that understand this concept and lifestyle? Thoughts?

[redpepper]

find a local poly group in your area, go on line and join forums such as this one. Start being honest about the feelings you have about possible poly lifestyles and see who comes out of the wood work. Leave the door open to whatever arises and the rest will follow.

I would be concerned about the emotions that will possibly arise dues to your wife's affair and cheating. There is nothing like a poly lifestyle to dredge up any conscious or unconscious emotions that linger just below the surface. Chances are you will not be able to hide from them. I hope you are ready for that.

[May]

This question seems a bit strange to me, for it sounds like "I want to find someone I can fall in love with". It's not unusual though, as many people believe they could find love by asking others for it - through lonely hearts ads and the like. Things like that may work sometimes or at least you may find new friends, but it doesn't guarantee you to find love. (I'd even say it's highly unlikely if you try to force things that way.)

But polyamory is not about "hey let's look for a third partner and see how that feels". It's rather that you admit to yourself and the ones you love that there is more than one love in your life after you found someone new.

I do understand you problem of finding someone who would understand the concept of polyamory. The way I see it is that the most important thing is to be honest to each other right from the start. That's at least how I always experienced it and I have always been really astonished to see the positive reactions when I was telling people about it. Of course, I chose carefully who to talk to and there's just a limited number of friends and relatives who know details about my lifestyle (not that I keep it secret, but as long as no one asks I see no need for me to explain), but all who know reacted quite positive when I told them.

And with my new boyfriend it's even a quite funny story, because he fell in love with me in the first place because he admired my way of living with my (other) boyfriend and his wife. But a thing like this could only happen because I told him about it from the start (long before we started our love affair), because he was a good friend of mine. My boyfriend and his wife, although they never met him, also knew about our friendship and how it developed and I am looking forward to introducing them to one another soon.

The key is honesty - if someone doesn't like it if you're honest, (s)he probably isn't worth it. And responsibility is what goes hand in hand with honesty. So my advice would be: don't go looking for a partner (that's what I would tell every single as well, because love has the habit of coming to us in rather unexpected ways). Instead, if you find someone interesting whom you can trust and realize there is more to it, tell her/him about your other relationship(s) and that, though you really have special feelings for her/him, you're not going to abandon someone else for her/him. Just talk about it, talk about all the feelings you have and ask for her/his feelings. Tell her/him that all feelings are okay, that jealousy is a normal reaction and that (s)he should tell you when (s)he feels it. Of course there's still the risk someone can't deal with something like this. You should accept that as well as (s)he should accept the way you live. My point is that if you don't trust someone you love enough to tell her/him about your feelings then something is wrong with the relationship. Take your time.

(I hope it's clear how I mean all that, because I fear I am rather bad at expressing myself about those things in English. If something strikes you as funny or rather unintelligible it's propably my mistake, so just go ahead and ask.)

[idealist]

Originally Posted by Uluz46901

Our main question though is how one finds others that understand this concept and lifestyle? Thoughts?

Welcome!! It's amazing what starts happening after you open your mind to this lifestyle! Shortly after embracing this lifestyle, I ran into a couple I have known for about 10 years. We had done some business together and I had visted their home years ago. I saw them with another couple and could tell there was more going on between them. I approached them and they remembered me. We talked and I just came out and asked them. Yes- they are involved in a quad with another couple. And....they expressed an interest in seeing me. We have not contacted each other yet, but it's just one of the possibilities that has come up for me since I have changed the way I see things......my advice to you......patience. And stay with this forum....there are a lot of awesome people here and it helps to read and share. It makes it real- in a world where this mindset is still basically underground- at least where I live it is.

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by May

But polyamory is not about "hey let's look for a third partner and see how that feels". It's rather that you admit to yourself and the ones you love that there is more than one love in your life after you found someone new.

I always cringe at polyamory "is not about this" and "is about that."

From what I've seen, the people whose partner waited until finding someone new to "realize" they are poly ended up feeling really hurt that their partner would have the gall to go fall in love with someone else without even discussing it first. Many of them then projected their fear and anger on that new person, when really it's polyamory as a concept that they needed to deal with.

My husband and I recently opened our relationship again, after being closed while we got got "us" settled. To date neither one of us has had any luck finding "someone new" but we always talk about people we meet, conversations we have, cute butts that we notice

I think it's very common for people to "stumble" into polyamory by accidentally falling in love with someone. But it's much less painful for the existing partner when they have some time to get used to the idea before having to deal with the actual experience staring them in the face.

[Ariakas]

This question seems a bit strange to me, for it sounds like "I want to find someone I can fall in love with". It's not unusual though, as many people believe they could find love by asking others for it - through lonely hearts ads and the like. Things like that may work sometimes or at least you may find new friends, but it doesn't guarantee you to find love. (I'd even say it's highly unlikely if you try to force things that way.)

Different mentality. I am also surprised when people don't understand that. When I was single, I was actively dating...I am married, open and poly and enjoy bdsm...while not actively dating, I am actively looking (bars, online communication, sporting events, work associates). I don't plan to just hang out and wait for someone to fall into my life...from my point of view thats very fairy tail esque feeling and has never worked for me

As for where to try...local poly groups, okc is very poly friendly, heck just a normal bar...picking up is about connecting and communicating with people. Get out there and talk to people...if you put yourself out there as available you have a better chance of meeting someone you have a connection with

[SunLover]

Hi all,

What a good find this site was. I am (obviously) new to polyamory and am thus far delighted by what I have discovered - I am a loving, happy (young) person who was delighted to find a lifestyle that puts such an emphasis on open, honest communication and on finding "true" love with more than one person. I am fully aware that it can also be a remarkably difficult lifestyle - being 100% honest with myself and with others is hardly easy - but I think it is worth it.

So, my questions to you all (apologies in advance for poor use of terms or any awkward phrases)..

1. what is this secondary/primary business? The term "secondary" implies hierarchy to me, something I am NOT okay with in relationships - I am, I suppose, technically a 'secondary' right now, but do not feel like I am less valued for that.

2. that said, what is my responsibility as a "secondary"? Do I dance around the "primary" relationship logistically and emotionally? Or can I speak up and make 'demands' (for lack of a better word) of my own?

3. what is the best way to introduce the concept of polyamory to someone you are interested in seeing? My current situation is that I am dating a guy who is poly and am hopeful about starting a relationship with a guy who, as far as I know, is not poly, but is fairly open minded. Should I just go ahead and see how he feels about polyamory?

Thanks, my apologies if these questions have already been addressed elsewhere. I have been reading other posts on this website and am always impressed by the helpful advice and discussion.

[Ariakas]

Originally Posted by SunLover

Hi all,

So, my questions to you all (apologies in advance for poor use of terms or any awkward phrases)..

1. what is this secondary/primary business? The term "secondary" implies hierarchy to me, something I am NOT okay with in relationships - I am, I suppose, technically a 'secondary' right now, but do not feel like I am less valued for that.

You might want to do a search for "descriptive" or "prescriptive" uses of those teams, while it can imply a hierarchy, it doesn't always do so There has been a lot of discussion here on how those terms are used

2. that said, what is my responsibility as a "secondary"? Do I dance around the "primary" relationship logistically and emotionally? Or can I speak up and make 'demands' (for lack of a better word) of my own?

Speak up. You aren't a doormat. Besides communication is a good place to start a healthy poly relationship

3. what is the best way to introduce the concept of polyamory to someone you are interested in seeing? My current situation is that I am dating a guy who is poly and am hopeful about starting a relationship with a guy who, as far as I know, is not poly, but is fairly open minded. Should I just go ahead and see how he feels about polyamory?

Poly is difficult to explain outside of poly circles. I find it far easier to talk about being non-monogamous. Non-monogamy is easier for people to digest the first time around than poly This is a little different for me than some others as I have and plan to continue dating people without the intention of falling in love with them. If I fall in love again, great...but until then I like to date...

Think of it like this (being single btw), you find a new partner, you guys get along, there are sparks. How often, on the first date, do you say "I am really looking for a loving relationship etc"...most people balk at that unfortunately. Love isn't brought up until further down in the relationship. If you say "poly"...the person you are talking to may just jump ship thinking you are looking for love in every connection (which some people do btw...)...

Hope that made sense.