Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #271  
Old 11-07-2011, 04:54 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 123
Default

My boyfriend and I are both using OKC too. And not surprisingly, I get many more visitors and messages than he does. He's also more picky than me, although I think I'm already very picky.

I think answering match questions helps a lot. I've answered hundreds of questions, and I set those about poly/open relationships (e.g. would you consider an open relationship) as "mandatory". I found guys with a 85% or higher match percentage are likely to be okay with polyamory.

I also found some guys didn't really read my profile. I said clearly that I'm in a poly relationship, but they were still surprised when I mentioned it in the conversation, or asked me if I was in a relationship. But maybe it's different for girls.
Reply With Quote
  #272  
Old 11-07-2011, 02:50 PM
zylya zylya is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Sussex, UK
Posts: 77
Default

Some tips for your husband:

- Get some absolute high-quality pictures. Pictures really can be a deal-breaker so make them the absolute best that you can.
- Message LOTS of people, especially people in your area, even if just for friendship at first.
- Set your searches to filter only "People Online in the Last Week"

The problem with free dating sites is that you get a lot of people sign up and forget all about their profiles. Of all those who ARE active, you've got all sorts of walls to break though - in addition girls receive a lot more "attention" (messages, winks, smiles and all the other features that allow some form of communication that's not actual text) with online dating, so there's always the chance that your message gets lost among all the "Hi hw r u?" messages that get sent out (and some of them get worse!).

So assume she's actually got to the stage where she's seen your message and read it (which as I've described above is already a bit of luck). Unless it's concise and you have a very clear "call-to-action" then the chances are she'll read it and think "I'll reply to this later". Obviously life is busy and internet dating is generally fairly low priority so the reply (often) never happens. So keep your messages fairly short (about a paragraph is good), show her that you've read and understood her profile (e.g. if she says no married guys, then don't message her!) - and say specifically what you like about her profile. Don't be vague or general, otherwise it looks like a copy & paste job.

The call-to-action is basically you giving her a hook to respond on. You essentially tell her what to do next (e.g. ask a question or simply "message me back").

The point is, you want to make it as easy as possible for a woman to get into contact with you, as an online dating potential match, you're pretty far down on her priorities, which makes sense when you think about it. So think about the first message simply as a way of getting her to message you back. Small, manageable steps

If you think there's some compatibility, push to meet up early - there are some people online who want to meet people to chat online with. If you want to chat online loads, then that's cool, but if you want to actually MEET women in real life, then push for the meet early. You lose nothing by asking - if they can't make it, or they're not ready then you can keep chatting until you know each other a little better, and ask again, but the fact is, text is dry - real human communication is so much more than the words.

One thing I often say in actual messages is (paraphrased) "It's cool to see that we're on the same page about loads of stuff! Anyway, I know this might come accross as forward, but you never really know who you're talking to until you meet each other in person, so if you've got 15/20 minutes free on X date I'd love to grab a coffee/beer/icecream/whatever with you. It's cool if you've got other plans, but I figure it's a nice, low-pressure way to see if we click as people rather than just over messages." Essentially you'll never get any chemistry over chat messages, there's just so much of the communication lost! The point is to keep it low-pressure just to see if the two of you click. Obviously this only works if the two of you live nearby! If you're further away there will have to be more talking online before a meet, but the meet would be longer.

So to sum up:

1. Get some great pictures as well as your profile
2. Message a lot of people - getting a low response rate is NORMAL, so don't take it personally, keep sending the messages and you'll get more results
3. Keep the messages short, ensure that she knows you've read her profile and end with a question or call to action
4. If you like them, and it seems they like you, try and meet up soon.

But the main point to remember is this:

The purpose of an online dating site is to meet people in real life. Don't get caught in the trap of chatting endlessly online - in a 15 minute date I can get a pretty good idea whether or not I'm going to enjoy this person's company or not.

Good luck
Reply With Quote
  #273  
Old 11-07-2011, 06:15 PM
PipeDreamer PipeDreamer is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Czech Republic
Posts: 11
Default

I signed up with OKC a few weeks ago. I have to say that there have not been many polyamorous women in my part of Europe. In fact, the closest are in surrounding countries several hours away. I do not have a glamorous frontal photograph in my profile because I am in paranoia mode about anyone I know finding out about my lifestyle. I can think of several people I know who would use OKC and I have doubts about their acceptance of polyamory. This is more with respect to my wife's side of the family and more of the fact that I don't want to cause problems for her.

As stated earlier, make sure you put tags in your profile. They should look like this:

[[polyamory]] [[unicorn]] [[Pizza Hut]] etc.

You might want to consider putting your spouse's user name in your profile too:

<<HotWife5732>>

My wife is just starting her profile and we are cross referencing each other in our profiles so that potential new partners can see if there is compatibility with everyone in the group. Take the match percentages with a grain of salt. I have gotten many 95% matches that I would really not think I would be interested in. My wife so far reads as a low % match, high % enemy. I told her to answer more questions. Then we got in a huge argument. No, not really, but yes about those percentages.

In the beginning I was really annoyed with the questions I was getting from OKC. Once I figured out the tag system and clicked on a tag, voilą! There were all kinds of people listed with polyamory in their profiles and I started answering their questions which were far more pertinent. I did have to set my search region at 500km or anywhere in order to get more results. To solve the picture situation, I just had a silhouette photo in my profile and I made an online photo album elsewhere which I linked in my messages I sent out. I get about 30 visitors per week...I guess I am in no hurry, haha.

From reading a lot of profiles I have certainly gotten the impression that the women seem to get bogged down with lots of idiotic messages, winks, creeps, etc. I have seen a lot of profiles with women complaining about one-word messages as well. I think I may have taken this to the other extreme because I have adopted the policy that if I can't find a lot to write them about, then I don't write them. I haven't written many, but so far, almost every one of them has responded. Some have even initiated communication, which I find unusual. I do try to mention a few things I find interesting from their profiles. My typical messages tend to be almost as long as this post. Am I insane?

Maybe the women are afraid of his attractiveness and education? I would consider myself to be roughly average in terms of looks and I am not university educated. Maybe he could drag his knuckles more like me? Joking, of course.

Ok, I will not give more advice here, lest I be discovered by those I have messaged and my methods rendered ineffective. One thing I find annoying about OKC is that it constantly gives me results of people who are looking for someone single. Any ideas on how to change that? I haven't found out how yet.

Hope this helps!
Reply With Quote
  #274  
Old 11-07-2011, 07:14 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,660
Default

The best i have ever done in finding dates is to go into it with the idea of friendship first. I find most poly relationships endure for longer when they are built on friendship first. Finding a local group to meet and find friends is invaluable for support and for finding love.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #275  
Old 11-07-2011, 10:14 PM
Armani Armani is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8
Default

Zylya,

(This is Vanille on her husband's account (on his computer))

That was amazing advice and I will definitly see about implementing that. Some of it, I already have helped him with.

The thing about the pictures really stood out. I always am more inclined to respond to the men with professional pictures that capture a unique image of them (I saw one with a huge smile from dancing and that stood out for sure). I will see if I can't get a photographer to take a picture.

His name on the site is Armani_MH, if anyone else has some more feedback.
Reply With Quote
  #276  
Old 11-08-2011, 01:37 AM
Armani Armani is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 8
Default Great advice

For all of you who responded I would like to second the thanks for the time and effort you spent in providing constructive feedback! It's the husband this time. I've been reading all the posts, just now found the time to reply. Again, I think it's good advice and I'll certainly take it.
Reply With Quote
  #277  
Old 11-08-2011, 01:46 AM
bulrush bulrush is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: West Michigan
Posts: 37
Default

Yes, it's VERY tough for men in the dating world now, even single, reliable, responsible men. I'm also on OKCupid. What I have learned in the dating scene is many men my age (40s) are still very immature, old fashioned, unreliable, creepy, or emotionally retarded. (I hear stories from my dates.)

If you can't use proper case or punctuation in your profile, don't expect any messages. I write well, so I get occasional emails from women. But I also put in my profile that I ONLY date women who message me first, because that's their first test of confidence.

What I end up with are pretty confident, realistic, down-to-earth women, and I like that. Works for me.
Reply With Quote
  #278  
Old 11-08-2011, 03:40 AM
Eponine Eponine is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 123
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PipeDreamer View Post
My typical messages tend to be almost as long as this post. Am I insane?
Wow, that's really long. If I got such a long message, I'd certainly appreciate it, but also feel a little pressure, because I have to reply with a long message too. Personally I think the first message doesn't have to be too long. As long as they show me they've read my profile, and have some meaningful connection with me, I'll probably reply. Then our messages can be longer and longer down the road.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PipeDreamer View Post
One thing I find annoying about OKC is that it constantly gives me results of people who are looking for someone single. Any ideas on how to change that? I haven't found out how yet.
I get a lot of matches like that too. But many guys who wrote to me actually said they were looking for someone single, yet they still contacted me. I guess they don't really care, or only want to be friends with me.
Sometimes I search for "not single" people, then check out the "available" ones, because they're likely to be poly too.
Reply With Quote
  #279  
Old 11-08-2011, 03:51 AM
NathandDom's Avatar
NathandDom NathandDom is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Springdale AR
Posts: 8
Default

My wife and I have been having a slightly different problem. Bites but just people curious about the lifestyle or who say "you guys seem great, but I'm not interested in poly." We wish that OKC was a little more poly friendly.

We actually made a co-profile, just listed it under my stats for the very reason of not wanting the potential "hi here is my penis" style responses.
Reply With Quote
  #280  
Old 11-08-2011, 09:26 AM
zylya zylya is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Sussex, UK
Posts: 77
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by PipeDreamer View Post
My typical messages tend to be almost as long as this post. Am I insane?
Long messages are cool (I love rambling on about crap), but when you're sending a first message, you're essentially sending it into the aether, with no real idea if it's going to to even get seen, let alone read and let alone responded to. Online dating is a little bit of a numbers game, in that you will get a lot of seemingly good matches not respond, even to decent messages. Short messages will therefore save you a lot of time, if nothing else!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
approaching someone, asking people out, dating, finding someone, first time, flirting, married and dating, meet ups, meeting new partners, meeting people, okc, online dating, poly dating, primary, primary/secondary, secondary, sex, small town, solo, third partner, thirds

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:54 AM.