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  #241  
Old 07-14-2011, 09:46 AM
transitapparent transitapparent is offline
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plenty of fish
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  #242  
Old 07-14-2011, 11:16 AM
PLove PLove is offline
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I think that the point Hades was trying to make is not WHERE we meet people, but the intentionality of it.

In our experience, when you are saying "OH--I want to meet someone," it has rarely worked out that we meet a person with whom we really connect. It's only when we are just living our lives and doing our thing that we've tended to somehow stumble across the person with whom we feel a connection.

So what Hades is getting at is if you are intentionally seeking a partner does that tend to work out or is it more something that happens?
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  #243  
Old 07-14-2011, 11:36 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Like others here, I met my gf on OKC. We clicked immediately and have been together for 2 1/2 years.

Since gf is of a younger generation (age 33), brought up on the internet, and very alternative in her makeup and tastes (transgender, pagan, pansexual, kinky, handicapped), and since she is shy, she doesn't meet too many people just in day to day living that would be a good match with her. All of her relationships except for one (unsatisfying emotionally) in high school and one other since (her previous long term partner) were started online.

I also had limited places to find someone after being in a LTR for over 30 years. My vocations as a nanny and florist didn't bring me anyone who was available to date. I've never gone to a bar looking for a hookup.

However, through OKC, the gf and I have formed connections with the local irl poly/kinky/queer community and now do meet new people through the ones we originally met on OKC. No new romances though, just friends. I think when we go out as a couple, people tend to think we are not available, even if they know we are poly.

OKC has brought me a few lovers that turned into LTRs of a few months to 2 years duration. Nothing nearly approaching the intensity of the love I share with the gf though, which is frustrating.
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Mags (poly, F, 60) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 38) since January 2009, living together since 2013
also loving Punk (monogamish, 42, M) since Oct 2015
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years
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  #244  
Old 07-14-2011, 01:05 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey Hades,

I get what you are saying and agree to some extent. But where the difference comes in I feel is how you approach it and how you feel.
I think there's a distinct difference between being on a 'quest' (seeking) and just putting yourself in a position where the universe can respond appropriately. If that makes any sense.
I do believe you can distort things via your intention and that's why so many people who are searching (desperate) discover they are wasting tremendous amounts of time and energy to no avail. I don't have a technical explanation for this - or if I did it would sound 'out-there' - but it's a definite observation of my own, my mates, and thousands of other people including many on this board.

On the other hand, deciding you want others in your life and making a step or two to put yourself in a noticeable place I feel is quite different. It's really all in how you attach to it internally and act on it. As others have mentioned, in this age of the 'net', putting yourself on some site is little different than taking a walk on the beach, going to a park, dance etc. It's all about how much it consumes you.

My thoughts anyway.........

GS
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  #245  
Old 07-14-2011, 04:47 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PLove View Post
I think that the point Hades was trying to make is not WHERE we meet people, but the intentionality of it.

In our experience, when you are saying "OH--I want to meet someone," it has rarely worked out that we meet a person with whom we really connect. It's only when we are just living our lives and doing our thing that we've tended to somehow stumble across the person with whom we feel a connection.

So what Hades is getting at is if you are intentionally seeking a partner does that tend to work out or is it more something that happens?
Then in case I didn't answer that - When I was younger I wasn't ever actively seeking to meet a person, and it was always stumbling across them. It would be nice if chance encounters happened now, but they don't seem to for me.

During both the periods I have been actively poly, I have been intentionally open to finding relationships, and more strongly actively seeking friends (which has to be intentional, as I have no luck stumbling into good friendships either). I have not found either of these things anywhere but OKCupid, or a party/event attended by mainly poly people where I expected there might be a chance to meet somebody interesting.
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  #246  
Old 07-14-2011, 06:42 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It is starting to look like my most successful (relatively) relationships since my separation have been with people I met in the real world, and not online. However, I have met some really cool people online, and gained some good friends/lovers/FWBs from OKC. I am incredibly picky about who I actually meet from there, though, and in the time since I joined -- which is now eight months -- I've only actually met six guys in person, although I've talked, chatted, and emailed with many more than that, and have one guy who is kind of an online friend and I'm not sure if I'll ever actually meet him face to face (though I'd like to!).

I think the dating sites can work if we go into the situation looking at it as an adventure. And we should look at dating in general that way, too, anyway. In other words, let go of expectations that you want to find long-lasting love there, but do embrace the possibility of meeting new and interesting people, and having a good time going out. Take a break for a few days every now and then, and come back to the site(s) fresh. View the dating process as the best part, the fun part, the opportunity to see more of what kind of people are out there, a chance to have fun conversation at the very least. If it develops into more, that's a bonus! It is true that there are lots of dullards, sad sacks, losers, and completely incompatible people out there, and it does get incredibly frustrating sometimes, but hopefully you can screen before meeting. If it doesn't work out, try to see what you gained from it and chalk it off as another learning experience. Then get in the game again, and don't sweat it too much.
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Last edited by nycindie; 07-15-2011 at 12:18 AM.
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  #247  
Old 07-15-2011, 02:29 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Correction: I joined OKC nine months ago (Oct. 2010) and have met 9 guys in person, in all that time. So, one per month. Some were abysmal failures, some turned into friendships, and others remain to be determined.
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The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 07-15-2011 at 10:10 PM.
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  #248  
Old 07-15-2011, 09:46 PM
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Hades36 Hades36 is offline
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I appreciate all of you sharing and responding. Thank you.
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  #249  
Old 07-15-2011, 10:23 PM
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sagency sagency is offline
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My mono (K) and I actually met on eHarmony. I had gotten out of a relationship where I was trying hard to be a good little mono and signed up with some extended deal there. After signing up I realized that I wasn't willing to try at being mono anymore and came to full identify as polly.

I'm pretty sure Dr. Clark (eHarmony guy) would have booted me hurry-up-quick if their gears and whistles flagged me as poly. In any case, a little before that expired, K and I were connected. I would actually advise against eHarmony for polys (though fine for monos) because it doesn't suit the lifestyle. I was just lucky that my transition to no longer kidding myself (about five years ago) was timed in a way that I wound up meeting K, and I'm extra lucky that part of her awesomeness includes being poly-friendly.

Partners since then have been met through getting out, interacting in other activities, and being bold enough to bring it up. Or they're beloveds who I have been separated from by geography but not internally.
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  #250  
Old 08-15-2011, 08:10 PM
yul yul is offline
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Default Meeting people in everyday life that would find poly acceptable a long shot?

I have another thread going about how some of the opposite sex people I meet in casual encounters soon give up contact since they know I am in a relationship.

I mean even just trying to maintain friendship with opposite sex is not that easy.

I DO have a few successes in that field but it's really a long shot...

Am I wrong? Should I be more patient? Should I approach this differently?

I do make it clear that I am allowed to have opposite sex friends within my
couple.

I am asking because I am trying to stay away from the usual bar scene and try to meet everyday girls around my workplace etc...

Thanks!
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