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  #21  
Old 09-28-2012, 03:03 PM
CheshireCat CheshireCat is offline
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Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
No. Why would I direct away from it?

And if you know YOU direct your energies toward your primary -- why all this worry about what other people are doing? What needs validating or affirming for you? What are you afraid you are missing out on?

No, I don't worry about not being a shiny new toy to him any more. I like being OLD shiny toy better.

There isn't as much "weather reporting" because he knows me and all my tells already. It's a smoother ride, it's a more intense ride, it's a longer ride.

You can get some nice chords and phrases sometimes with a new partner. And learning to make beautiful music together is a fun process of discovery.

But oh, with an old lover? That knows you well? You can run through flawless symphonies! It's another kind of rush.

GG
What an interesting read this thread is. My husband has recently confided that he's having trouble enjoying sex with me recently (partner of over 10 years). He's placing quite a lot of significance on the lack of enjoyment, at least in part because he's not getting the same issue with his new girlfriend - this is relevant because he's had some health issues in general that have made sex painful for him.

I can't help thinking that this must at least in part be linked to both his NRE with his new girlfriend (of 3 months) *and* the fact he's exploring kink with her in a way I've never really wanted to... and he really likes it. Mostly I'm terrified that we've broken something irretrievably but I'm also hoping fervently we can fix it.

I love your quote GG, that's rather what I was hoping would be the case for us, but alas at the moment it doesn't seem to be that way. Fretting ain't gonna help me relax, either. ARGH.

I hope you've managed to find a way through your questions, lolalondon!
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  #22  
Old 09-28-2012, 03:41 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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If you’re kinky, have you found that kink levels decrease as you get closer/cuddly/more emotionally intimate? Or is it more of a “wax and wane” over the course of time?

I've noticed it's more of a wax and wane course. With my boyfriend we haven't really ever had a BDSM relationship. With my owners our relationship is primarily that but it's taken a back burner just because of outside stresses that need to be fixed. My fiancee and I have a mix of BDSM in our relationship and really the fact that I'm starting to want more play lets me know that some of my stressors are lessening.

Is it often the case that when you meet new sexual partners you direct more extreme sexual behaviour towards them and away from the primary relationship?

I don't know if it was because of the new relationship or the fact that my boyfriend was more attentive to my needs when I got into a relationship with him but there was more sex between us than myself and my fiancee. I do think a lot of it had to do with that fact my fiancee was having problems coping with me not doing well and pulling away while my boyfriend was seeking me out and helping me through my difficult times as much as he could. It's gotten a bit better but I do see some differences in my sex life with my fiancee and my boyfriend (my fiancee goes to sleep late and wakes up late so we aren't going to bed at the same time or waking up at the same time for sex at either of those moments which is more of the easier times to have sex just due to that activeness of our lives in general).

Does NRE with others generally lead to less sex between primaries?


I don't think it's a set in stone thing, but it just sometimes happens because it's easy in the new relationship (especially if you don't see that partner often) to marathon sex at times which can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion for a day or two afterwards.

If you’re into BDSM play, do you have any restrictions on BDSM with others, or does everything go?

The restriction for me is that I don't start a new type of play with my owners until my fiancee and I have gotten a chance to try that play out ourselves. It makes it somewhat difficult (we are both kinda green to BDSM and my owners aren't) and sometimes I think I don't like something when my fiancee and I try it but realize I do if my owners try it later (This I think has to do with the fact my fiancee is into the sadism/masochistic side of BDSM which I am not. I've tried encouraging him to find someone who is into that so he can get those urges out and not try to use them with me but he's really wired mono both sexually and romantically)

If you’re into D/S play, how do you manage this with having an extremely equal relationship in all other ways?

Like I said I have one relationship that is pretty much mostly Owner/pet (there is some romance and non D/s relationship aspects in it), a relationship that is a mix of D/s and not (pretty much even), and a relationship that has no D/s aspects to it at all.

Do you get jealous if your primary does something sexually with another partner you crave and hasn’t happened in a while? Do you talk about it, and how do you do this without them feeling you’re pressuring them into a certain sex act? Or do you just tell yourself it's none of your business because every relationship is different, and you’re glad he’s having fun?
I can't answer this in regards to my fiancee because he is mono. With my Owners I have been missing a lot of our play time (again it's because of outside stressors) just because that bit kinda just fills me differently. I realize I feel this the most with my boyfriend. Not necessarily in the sex aspect but just in the time aspect. And I have worked on talking to him about getting some one-on-one time together outside of the bedroom which he has been amazing at (love languages helped a lot. He didn't realize how much I thrive on touch/quality time and was trying to make sure that my fiancee wasn't uncomfortable. My fiancee informed us as long as we aren't foreplaying in front of him he's fine with us being affectionate).
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  #23  
Old 09-29-2012, 03:09 AM
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I find this thread rather interesting. Although I like to participate in a few kinky things now and again, I am generally not into BDSM nor identify as a kinkster (as in, gotta have kink no matter what). I don't really like the term "vanilla" but some members here told me it's more like I'm "vanilla with sprinkles," LOL. In addition, I don't apply a hierarchy to my relationships, which are mostly loose and more casual - no partnership/boyfriend/spouse type thing.

Anyway, what I find interesting in this thread is your question about feeling jealousy if a primary is doing stuff with someone else but not you, if it's something that you want to do with them. I just don't see myself sharing at that level. It's enough for me to know my lovers are having sex with other people; I don't need the specifics, and wouldn't imagine asking unless there was a definite reason to know. I don't feel weird asking things like if a lover wants me to use a certain technique to do something, and I wouldn't mind talking about what they are up to with others, per se, but I certainly wouldn't seek out the info, or feel like I had to be informed at all times. Maybe this is more of a thing for hierarchical relationships?
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  #24  
Old 10-04-2012, 03:40 AM
MeeraReed MeeraReed is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post

Anyway, what I find interesting in this thread is your question about feeling jealousy if a primary is doing stuff with someone else but not you, if it's something that you want to do with them. I just don't see myself sharing at that level. It's enough for me to know my lovers are having sex with other people; I don't need the specifics, and wouldn't imagine asking unless there was a definite reason to know. I don't feel weird asking things like if a lover wants me to use a certain technique to do something, and I wouldn't mind talking about what they are up to with others, per se, but I certainly wouldn't seek out the info, or feel like I had to be informed at all times. Maybe this is more of a thing for hierarchical relationships?
I'm not sure it's about the hierarchy. I was thinking maybe it was more about a couple-centered approach to poly: the primary couple shares detailed information & specifics with each other about their other lovers.

(Or maybe that's what you mean by hierarchical, that there's a primary couple and clear non-primaries.)
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  #25  
Old 10-04-2012, 07:41 PM
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I guess what I meant, Meera, was the idea that in a hierarchical arrangement, some folks set rules that there are certain sexual activities only allowed for primary partners and not with others. So, I suppose that is why they are asking what is going on with a secondary and in other relationships. But as a solo who prefers not to engage in a hierarchy, I can't imagine checking in to ask, "what did you do?" to keep tabs on them or to find out if a partner was doing something with someone else that he doesn't generally do with me. If I want to do something with someone I'll either initiate it or ask for it -- why worry if someone else is getting it? I don't want details unless it is for safer sex reasons or to get turned on in bed (if that is a dynamic I have with someone).

Oh and I forgot to answer this part in my last post:
Quote:
Originally Posted by lolalondon View Post
. . . don't others get worried about not being shiny new exciting fucktoy any more?
I don't want to be anyone's fucktoy, that term just gives me the creeps. What I do want is to remain important to someone in a relationship, and desired. What I don't want is to feel like I'm a low priority beneath someone else who comes first (that is my dislike of hierarchies showing), or that being with and making time for me is an afterthought.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-04-2012 at 09:13 PM.
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  #26  
Old 10-04-2012, 09:00 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is online now
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If you’re kinky, have you found that kink levels decrease as you get closer/cuddly/more emotionally intimate? Or is it more of a “wax and wane” over the course of time?
For us, it has definitely been more of a decrease than a wax & wane. I attribute that to the fact that I was literally going through a phase of exploring kink, and ultimately discovered that I could take it or leave it. He doesn't "need" it either, so he doesn't push. But our relationship has always been more emotional than sexual.

Is it often the case that when you meet new sexual partners you direct more extreme sexual behaviour towards them and away from the primary relationship?
I'm polyamorous, but my husband is polysexual, so I'll answer from his perspective. Whenever he meets new sexual partners, he actually directs more sexual energy to me than regularly. Again, our relationship isnt overly sexual to begin with, so when he does get fired up, he brings it home.

Does NRE with others generally lead to less sex between primaries?
For us, it actually has the opposite effect. I'm very conscientious not to neglect my existing partners when I meet someone new, and so when I'm on a "love high" I tend to spread it around to all my partners.

If you’re into BDSM play, do you have any restrictions on BDSM with others, or does everything go?
We have "safety" restrictions like gloves for fisting, but not in terms of restricted acts.

If you’re into D/S play, how do you manage this with having an extremely equal relationship in all other ways? Sometimes it’s hard for either of us to let the other take control because we’re so equal in all other arenas, and both extremely independent people… it’s almost like it’s easier with someone you’re not in such a close partnership with, I’m wondering if others can relate.
We really struggle with this, so I can relate. I'm sorta bossy, only child syndrome... But to convert that into sexual dominance really takes a lot of mental preparation. For me, it helps if I have a day to prepare and get myself in the mindset. My husband is much more spontaneous, so this is always a problem.

Do you get jealous if your primary does something sexually with another partner you crave and hasn’t happened in a while? Do you talk about it, and how do you do this without them feeling you’re pressuring them into a certain sex act? Or do you just tell yourself it's none of your business because every relationship is different, and you’re glad he’s having fun?
I almost want to say, "what's wrong with pressuring them?" but that sounds horrible, almost like rape. I guess what I'm thinking is, if this is an activity he enjoys and he's doing it with other people, then he'd better have a damned good reason for not doing it with you. I can't even think of any reasons that I would honestly accept. I'm one of those people who thinks you need to keep the home fires burning, first and foremost, before galavanting around. If he's doing something with someone, and you'd like to do it too, then I think it's perfectly acceptable to ask him why he's so reluctant to do it at home.
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